Help I'm really struggling.

[mamaplusbabies]

I recently moved to a very poor country where my husband comes from and it's been a complete disaster.

Our flat is ok, good standard but we have no money and my parents in law are taking over my life and my children.

Children are beaten here and I don't like this but no one seems to care what I think or feel.

We don't have a lot of food and what we are eating / drinking is making us ill as we have constant diarreah and nausea. Today we don't have any more drinking water so I have had to boil the tap water and we are drinking that. I don't have a car or any money so I can't go out. We have 3 eggs left and that's it. My husband has gone out to look for money. I have no more nappies for the baby.

I feel such a fool as I've given up an OK life in the UK for this - being promised it would be for the best.

I haven't seen my 4 year old since yesterday afternoon I think he is with my sister in law.

I just hate it here and I really don't know how I can get out. I don't have any family of my own to talk to and I just keep bursting into tears every 5 minutes!

i'm in egypt at the minute and have friends where i am who have friends or family all over the place. doubt you're here though by the sounds of it - if you are though pm me.

SA. Oh dear.

How is your relationship with your husband generally, apart from the fact you are unhappy in SA?

Are you legally married in UK law or just in Islam?

Go onto the website expatwoman.com and go to the SA section. Don't say anything that may identify you. There may be women on there who can offer help and advice or at least a real shoulder to cry on. Are you in a large city with lots of British expats or are you in a very local area? Make sure you cover your internet tracks won't you? Delete history delete history delete history.

I just read on SA law and it doesn't look good
www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/370258/Child_Abduction_-_saudi_arabia.pdf

==========================

An exit visa is required to leave Saudi Arabia.
It takes one to two days for
an exit/re-entry visa, but exit-only visas for holders of residence permits can
take a week or more.
The father’s approval is needed for a child to be able
to leave the country, even in cases where the mother has custody.
The passport should carry an exit stamp and the child must be accompanied by one of his parents if under the age of eighteen.
A wife will need the permission of her sponsor to leave the country, which is often her husband.
The husband has to arrange for an exit visa which has to be stamped on
the wife’s passport.
Emergency Travel Documents can be used to leave Saudi as long as the entry details of the holder and the exit visa are
included in the document

Of course - you not allowed to go out without a chaperone, are you? Shit. Shit. You need to speak to someone at the consulate asap. Go to expatwoman.com see if you can make a friend on there who can be a go between for you. This is not going to be easy or quick I'm afraid. Your only real chance as I said before is to keep up a pretence so your H thinks you are fine, and then fabricate some reason to go to the UK on holiday.

Do you have any siblings? Grandparents? I'm wondering if you can get through a few more months without giving him any cause for concern, whether you could fabricate a death in the family that you need to return for? Or the death of a good friend? I know it's not nice to make that kind of stuff up but I don't know what else you can do.

What about pretending you are ill? Or one of the children? Could you convince your husband that you need to return to take advantage of the NHS for something serious?

Are you able to use birth control now?

Yes I realise I'm in the shit he was never like this in the UK.
We are legally married in the UK.

How long have you been together? Do you have Arab friends in the UK that he is likely to want to visit? Would he return if you suggested that? Are you still claiming child benefit or anything else there? Could you concoct some story that you need to return and go to the council with your children to show you are living there or something? Sorry if that sounds mad, just trying to think on my feet a bit. Did you leave the UK lock stock and barrel of have you still some sort of paper trail or bank account there?

Is your husband aware that you are unhappy and how are things between you generally? Do you think there is any chance that he would agree to just going home for both of you? If money is very tight in SA then it must be tempting to just come back to the UK? Could you convince him to come back for a year so you can save up? Or convince him to let you come back to accumulate some money by claiming benefits and maybe getting a HA house or housing benefit and then illegally subletting it so you can go back to SA? I'm just trying to think of ideas or schemes for money that might appeal to him that give you an excuse to leave supposedly in the short term. How clued up is he about the way the UK benefits and housing system works?

We have been together 8 years. I have some Arab friends in the UK but none I would "trust" not to tell their husbands who'd no doubt go straight to him.
No longer claiming CHB or anything I do have a bank account but overdrawn so not much use!

We've only been here a few months and we literally don't have enough money for food as have had to spend a lot sorting out flat, furniture etc so it would make me look a bit crazy if I suggested a holiday given our financial situation at the moment. He doesn't have a job yet and obviously I don't so he is relying on family handouts.

I guess I will sit tight for a bit.

I wish they would bring my son back though I don't like not seeing him.

mama what a distressing situation to find yourself in. Since you're in SA I agree you're going to have to put on a very good show for your DH and ILs and do what you can to make contact with the embassy to get advice.

You obviously have internet access and it sounds as though you have a phone for your sole use. Are you ever alone at home? do you think you could manage to email the embassy, and ask them to ring you? are you confident about covering your tracks in terms of deleting calls and browser history from your phone? please be certain.

The contact information for the consulate in Riyadh is as follows. email: [email protected] phone +966 (0) 11 4819 100
Their hours are 8am to 3pm local time.

Not sure if the British Enbassy could help? Here are their details anyway, you could email them? Agree with hello be very careful.

British Embassy Riyadh, main contact
British Embassy
PO Box 94351
11693 Riyadh
Saudi Arabia

Email
[email protected]

Telephone
+966 (0) 11 4819 100

Opening hours:

Sunday to Thursday, 5am to 12pm (GMT)
Sunday to Thursday, 8am to 3pm (Local)

I think sitting tight is all you can do. Hopefully he will get a job soon and maybe things will get less stressful when some money is coming in. Once you are not so reliant on your in laws for everything you will feel less compromised. Do you think you could be happy there if money were not such an issue? The thing with the food must be hard when you are used to the relative luxury of UK supermarkets and easy access to convenience food. My experience of Arabs is that they generally cook pretty fresh and healthy food but it's very labour intensive and repetitive. It's nice occasionally but if you are not used to it and your children are not used to it then it would seem like prison rations after a few weeks.

Obviously it's early days so you can't have made many friends yet. Even when you do it will basically be who your mother in law and your sisters in law choose to spend their time with, your days of having any autonomy or real privacy are over I'm afraid, but that's not to say you can't be happy if (and it's a very big 'if') you can adjust and accept the radical change to your lifestyle and your personal freedoms. It was always going to be a massive culture shock with extreme changes of lifestyle, but surely this cannot have come as a massive surprise to you? What did you expect it to be like?

Providing your H is not being abusive to you or the children, (the odd smack is not very nice I know, but it won't necessarily damage them for life. so long as it's not actual beatings) maybe you just need to some money and some time for things to settle down. If you spoke to him about how upsetting it is to have people taking your children off without your permission and disciplining them by smacking them in front of you, do you think he would listen and ask for it to stop? Is he physically abusive to you? Eight years is a long time to be together, so was he a normal, caring husband before you went to SA and has he literally changed overnight?

Can I ask why you made the decision to leave the UK and go to SA? Was he not allowed to stay and did you have to choose to split up or go with him?

First you must decide if you really want to escape. Then you'll need a ruse.
A great-aunt you hardly knew you left you a large sum of money in her will and you must go to London to claim it, then once you've landed you can stop acting.
Someone in UK will have to help you, preparing the letter, false heading, printed on thick and posh paper, add the name of someone taken from the Obituary, .....
Going legal route with the consolate will be very hard, better if you can convince him to come.

Be sure to cancel your internet history and logout of MN. Don't leave your MN user open.

He was going either way and the children love their father so I decided to take a chance....
We were in financial difficulty in the UK facing bankruptcy as our property was in negative equity and we had loans, credit cards etc.

That's exactly the kind of thing I had in mind gordon But she will need to play the long game, softly softly catchy monkey. And she will need to make him believe she is happy in the interim. That is the hard bit.

If you were in financial difficulty than he may be tempted with the will bait. Any chance of having friends paying for the flights for the whole family, so you are sure to leave the country with your children? Otherwise he may want to leave them in SA.

A friend of mine used to work as an inheritors detective, and he would pay the travel, so that's why this ruse came to my mind.

He was going to leave you with bankruptcy behind and you trusted him you will be looked after in SA.

Has he got british passport?
Is it possible at all that you should come back here and close all business for bancruptcy?

So you ran away from debt? He was going to leave you and the children and run back to mummy and daddy rather than face up to his mistakes and his responsibilities and support his family.

I hate to say this, and you can flame me and delete me if you like, but TYPICAL. Just typical. I've lost count of the number of times I've heard this story in one form or another on MN from women who were taken in my Arab/Muslim men . And I'm sure I'll probably get deleted for saying this but I don't care - Saudis are absolutely notorious for running up debts and dodging their bills.

Absolutely Hello, it will take months.

mamaplusbabies, don't lose hope.

Also - did you fall out with your family because of this marriage?
have your parents ever seen your kids? Is there chance for any reconciliation with your birth family?

You must have had decent income in UK to own a house - what happened? Did you buy your house before marrying him?

If you can please get hold of the children's and your passports when he is out and hide them somewhere else. Talk to the British consulate and get their advice as soon as is safely possible. You need to get out of there as quickly as you can.

To be honest if he was prepared to up sticks and desert them all leaving her to deal with his debts then perhaps he might not care that much if she and the children leave anyway.

I wouldn't take any chances on assuming it though. Not once the GPs have got their teeth into the children.

No no I didnt fall out with my family because of this marriage, I don't know my birth father and my mother had/has mental health issues and couldn't look after me. I haven't seen her since I was 14.

We were able to get a self-cert mortgage for a 2 bed terrace new build just after we got married, both working, no kids etc. But the mortgage was 95% and we ended up in negative equity as we were only ever paying interest only. Long story.
Yes he would have gone and left us if I hadn't have come with I believe - we were struggling to find a landlord to rent to us as both have awful credit records hence we were in a bad situation.

My boy still isn't back and it's nearly lunchtime hate this.

What happened to your house? Did you contact your bank and let them know you are leaving?
Have you applied for bankruptcy yet?