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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

Original poster

Resistance from Extended Family.

13 replies

MacaYoniandCheese · 16/08/2013 22:04

Sad We're moving to the Middle East in the New Year (our first overseas move) and have just come back from a messy afternoon visit with my Mom (who currently lives 5 minutes away). There were tears, protestations about terrorism, vows not to come and visit "because it's not safe", claims that I'm "putting her grandchildren in danger" and that I'm essentially "removing her right arm" Confused .

Obvious Unreasonableness aside, Anyone else experience histrionics resistance from family members? We'll be coming back once a year and have offered to fly them out to visit. We're close (literally and figuratively), but don't live in each other's pockets, iykwim.

OP posts:
funnyossity · 17/08/2013 00:07

Experienced the opposite really, we had supportive relatives especially on my side who didn't put themselves first and understood why we were doing it. (Emigration does run in the family though!)

After a few years moving about we didn't pursue permanent emigration because of family ties in the UK. Good Luck!

Saltedcaramellavacake · 17/08/2013 02:43

My ex-in laws were like this when we moved to the UK years ago - the move would be "a disaster", "why give up steady jobs and a nice house to go chasing a dream" and my favourite, "you'll come home with your tails between your legs". I think once you've explained your reasons and offered to visit/help them to visit/set up Skype etc, you just have to let things be for a while. It's your life and your decision, but your DM has a lot to process and will be grieving. Give it some time and hopefully she'll come to understand and accept. Good luck - it's tough when you make a big decision and then those you love rally against it.

ThePigOfHappiness · 17/08/2013 03:10

This is the exact reason why we haven't gone. Dp was offered a job in Perth and I could find work nursing over there but my sister emigrated two years ago and my mum gets hysterical when we mention the possibility of going too. I know if we went we'd have to bring her too.
I feel for you op, it's really hard to stand up to that
I still haven't managed it yet!

Original poster
MacaYoniandCheese · 17/08/2013 12:48

Thanks Everyone Cake. Feeling a bit better about it all today. I suppose her reaction is to be expected and I suppose I'd have similar emotions about it all. I think part of it is that my parents emigrated here (Canada) from the UK when I was a child and she feels like I'm 'undoing everything they worked for to give my DB and I a good upbringing here' Confused.

I think you're right, Salted, about it being a grieving process of sorts and that I need to be gentle while she works through it all Sad. I expect I will have a bit of that on the other end but at the moment I'm in the enthusiastic planning/working out logistics stage of things....too busy to think much about the emotional side of things. Luckily my DB and his family live nearby...hopefully they don't think about packing off abroad anytime soon!

OP posts:
Saltedcaramellavacake · 21/08/2013 15:53

That's an extra complexity! My now in laws also migrated to Australia from the UK/Europe in the 1960s t

Saltedcaramellavacake · 21/08/2013 16:21

Oops. Posted too soon.
There was definitely a kind of anger/sadness that by us moving back to the UK we were rejecting the choice they'd made to leave it, and were ungrateful in some way for the sacrifices they had made trying to give my husband a better life.
Hard one. Hang in there, and good luck with your move.

FondantNancy · 21/08/2013 21:28

Those protestations are so dramatic that you won't be able to reason with them. Instead, just let them come to terms with the move in their own time, and continue to present it as an extremely positive move that you're all looking forward to.

There was some resistance from DH's family when we decided to move (to a country that has a historical reputation for violence and war but is now pretty much safe) and we just kept reinforcing our reasons for the move (saving opportunity, private school for DCs, travel, etc etc) and eventually they came round and I've even overheard them saying to other relatives "oh the healthcare is excellent in X country!"

Ragusa · 22/08/2013 20:56

Being a bit more charitable....your mum has done the emigration thing herself so could it be she knows the challenges you are in for, and is worried for you too?!? Moving o/s, away from family and friends can be hard.

I think you are being a bit hard on yr mum. Her reaction's perfectly reasonable and rational. She's going to miss you!

Original poster
MacaYoniandCheese · 22/08/2013 23:08

Thanks for all your views/opinions/experiences. It's nice to know that I'm not alone!

Ragusa you're absolutely right..I remember her having a very hard time with things when we moved here and I know I need to be cognizant of her feelings, emotions and previous experience through all of this BUT she does have a tendency toward, um, dramatic and emotional displays of protest. Sometimes that clouds things Sad.

OP posts:
chloeb2002 · 24/08/2013 21:31

Yes... My mil will never forgive me for dragging her ds away.. She will never visit and she will now miss out!
I have learnt I can't change that.
My mum is happy we have made a choice for our kids future and she comes and visits and at some point we hope she may come and live here too!

Original poster
MacaYoniandCheese · 25/08/2013 21:37

Chloe, your Mum sounds lovely Smile. Sorry about your MIL trouble...that's what I'm worried about Sad.

OP posts:
NoImagi · 26/08/2013 01:50

chloe I have the same situation as you! mil has never forgiven us (me) for moving to Oz, never calls/Skypes, sends birthday presents for kids and refuses to visit - she has just missed 5 years, and the woman is a preschool teacher, so all about kids! I'm so cross with her!!
Now though we are moving closer, and she is buying winter clothes for kids, organising Christmas etc, and the worst thing is dh takes her side. I mentioned that I would like us to go to my home country for Christmas (never had an English Christmas with my kids) and he replied, "well of course you can go", we have 3 children ...
I guess a big move makes people show their true colours, of course they are allowed to be sad, it is understandable, but then they have the choice to accept your decisions and make the best of it, or not ...
Good luck op Wink

chloeb2002 · 28/08/2013 00:51

I have found it quite eye openings ing to the other side of the world! Mil even said at one point that ... Canada would be just fine .. But Australia is too far away???? Urrr ok. I suspect anywhere but the house next door would have been too far! When dh went back to the uk got work. He was initially based in London and he was the one driving up to his mothers in Yorkshire! And next time he was based 2 hours away from her house and still he had to drive to her Confused

It does annoy me and I will not be rushing back to the uk. When we do go we will rent a house somewhere we want to be and people can its us!

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