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Living overseas

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Original poster

Have you ever refused visitors ?

82 replies

Mosman · 13/01/2013 03:24

DH's bloody mother again !
Was meant to stay 20 weeks to help us settle in and help keep our child care costs down whilst we bought furniture shipped stuff across etc. After 10 weeks she'd had enough of the heat, arguing with the children and with a weeks notice to find alternative childcare buggered off home.
So now her rose tinted spec's are on and she wants to come back over for four weeks in the winter to avoid the heat but seems to have forgotten that we still don't live in a 5 bedroomed detached with a separate granny suite for her. Her pension still won't buy her very much food and there isn't a marks and spencers.
I'm not putting this in AIBU becauise I appreciate her only son is living on the other side of the world but I will dread this for months in the lead up and I don't want her here unless she books into some sort of hotel.
Has anybody said no and did it end badly ?

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 13/01/2013 03:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mosman · 13/01/2013 03:48

He is not comfortable with saying she can't come but FFS we all breathed a sigh of relief when she left, I don't know why he would think it's a good idea.

OP posts:
madwomanintheattic · 13/01/2013 05:40

Erm, isn't this the same woman you were moaning about because she wanted to stay in the UK for the sake of her pension and not move over permanently?! And you thought this was unacceptable as you had chosen to move and she was supposed to be moving with you?

No, we've never turned away visitors. I'm not sure why the cost of food and her pension is a concern though - surely if she's staying with you, you feed and house her? She's a guest.

I appreciate your issues - my mother drives me mental. But I still wouldn't tell her she couldn't come. They are currently planning a summer trip...

tryingtoleave · 13/01/2013 05:46

Op already, apparently, spends $500 - $750 a week on food, so I'm not sure she will assess the cost of a guest in an ordinary manner.

Original poster
Mosman · 13/01/2013 06:46

Well we can't feed and house her, that's the bottom line, yes we did want her to come and stay with us and help out with the kids but she landed us in the shit in that department. I wouldn't even mind if she'd enjoyed the 10 weeks with us, she had a face like a slapped arse the whole time.
A guest for dinner I can cope with, a guest for a month I'll be honest with 4 kids, a puppy, both working full time might actually push me over the edge.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 13/01/2013 06:50

A month is a very long time. Plus it's expensive to feed someone else for that long.

Tell he she can come for two weeks. And also remind her that your house is small. You're just reminding her. It's not a crime.

Original poster
Mosman · 13/01/2013 06:58

She won't come over to Australia for 2 weeks. As it is she would be tagging us onto the end of a tour of NZ that she wants to do.
She likes to do her own shopping due to all her allegies and that's fair enough but she actually lost a stone over 10 weeks last time which did her no harm and we never heard the end of it.

OP posts:
kday · 13/01/2013 07:00

I once merely suggested my MIL not visit at exactly the time she asked to come and she was angry for months! It was very tense and I wouldn't say do it again. No doubt I was being a bit precious (first baby due when MIL wanted to come, I wanted lavender-scented candle home birth and privacy and didn't much fancy the MIL I'd met once bearing witness to it all) and it wasn't worth it. She came in a foul mood at exactly the time she wanted to come and we sat miserably in each others' company waiting for the baby to arrive. Baby ended up arriving two weeks late, MIL had left by then so missed seeing the baby and I had an emergency cesearean, so crap all round (except for the baby, of course!). My advice - if you say no, be prepared for the fallout.

WinkyWinkola · 13/01/2013 07:13

Okay well she comes to Australia for a month. But can she not plan trips so that she's only actually with you for a fortnight?

She can incorporate her NZ trip in that month?

If she nags you over and over, you will have to get tough and say, "I said no now just leave it please." and if she gets in a strop, let her.

Iheartpasties · 13/01/2013 07:14

I don't think I would be keen to have my parents ever again. They left not long agao and it was all a bloody horrible nightmare. I saw them in a completely new light and to be honest I didnt like what I saw. I was expected to be greatful that they came. It wont be happening again. I don't know what I will say or do but I will not be welcoming them back.

Original poster
Mosman · 13/01/2013 07:19

You are not the first person to say that ilovepasties another friends parents came over for a month were in holiday mode the whole time, wanted to get pissed every night and then sleep half the day. Only bought 1000 pounds spends for the entire month, i don't know which is worse that or MIL looking at me with pleading eyes asking what are we doing today, it's bloody Perth you "did it" all last time you were here.

She wants to do a month tour of NZ and then come here for a month to make it worthwhile. I'd be happy to catch her for a weekend in NZ but apparently saga tours don't allow in that.

OP posts:
surroundedbyblondes · 13/01/2013 07:22

Not refused, no. But been clear what arrangements work or don't work for us. Prob here is that DH always says yes without thinking. Then I look like a cow when I come in with a bit of realism.

madwomanintheattic · 13/01/2013 07:23

But your kids will just be in their normal child care routine, and whoever looks after the puppy (doggy day care? Dog walker?) will be doing that, so maybe mil will enjoy a nice quiet time and put the dinner on for you when you both get in... Might be a lot more chilled now you are all settled in your routines?

We have three kids, two Labradors, and a 2 bed condo. Grin the kids sleep on the floor when we need a guest bed. It's a bit of a pita when we have visitors, but we know it isn't forever, and I do want them to build a relationship with relatives, even if they see them infrequently.

It doesn't stop me bitching, but I don't stop them coming...

Mil and fil tagged us on to the end of a world tour. It was great - we didn't feel guilty that they were travelling solely to see us, for a change. Nice to see them without having that hang up and weight of expectation. Grin

WinkyWinkola · 13/01/2013 07:31

Unless you tell her yourself what you want then this is going to be a very dull and stressful saga.

How is she supposed to know you don't want her for a month? Psychically?

Ask her what she wants to do in Perth - tell her she should research her interests before coming.

Then when she asks what you're doing that day, ask her what she found in her research. If she didn't research, reel off a few landmarks. If she says she's seen them then say, "Well this is Perth, I'm afraid. It doesn't have attractions on a rotational basis like The Magic Faraway Tree."

Original poster
Mosman · 13/01/2013 07:39

The children will be in the house with their nanny. There is nothing quiet about our lives from 6am to 10pm believe me.

I'm going to say no and take the risk of being cut off I think, If DH wants to see her he can spend his holiday trekking over to the UK, I suspect he won't. Or he can pop over at the end of her NZ tour, I'm sure it's not impossible.
I know what you're saying about tell her to research and then it'll be tough luck if she's bored but it'll be me that'll suffer.
I wouldn't mind but last time she did literally everything as though it would be the one and only time she'd visit Australia so I figured we were indeed done.

OP posts:
WillowTrees · 13/01/2013 09:27

I guess you have to assess if you want your children to have a relationship with a willing grandparent.
Having a houseguest is tough, but if the flight home is booked you know it will come to an end.
If you're working full-time and the nanny is home, you wouldn't really have to spend that much time with her, bed early after a long day maybe for a month?
Expecting a pensioner to look after 4 children for free, in a new environment, sounds pretty tough to me ...

WinkyWinkola · 13/01/2013 09:35

You thought she was done visiting Australia after her last visit? Does that mean you thought she was done visiting you lot as well then? Is she not to expect any sort of relationship beyond Skype, emails and phone calls then?

You sound like you detest her.

Get your dh to take more responsibility when she visits. Why are you lumbered? Just shrug and say, "Ask DH." Absolve yourself of responsibility.

Original poster
Mosman · 13/01/2013 09:36

It was tough, she only had the 2 year old all day but yes it was tough on her, it was part of the deal though, we would never have moved out here had it not been. Childcare is extremely expensive and hard to come by when you aren't permanent residents.

It's a double edged sword she is a willing grandparent providing they do everything she says otherwise she shouts at them and gets a cob on and goes home, be that 20 miles down the road or 12000 on an aeroplane.

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JugglingFromHereToThere · 13/01/2013 09:37

I reckon suggest (strongly !) that she does her month in NZ and then comes to you for two weeks or ten days or whatever ( a manageable amount of time ! )
Like you said you can remind her that your house is small. Wow, food costs seem astronomical over there from what one person said ?!

Original poster
Mosman · 13/01/2013 09:38

It's funny you mention that WinkyWinkola, she left in October, how many times do you think she's called.
None.
DH called her Christmas day, I sent her birthday cards and that's been it.

OP posts:
Salbertina · 13/01/2013 09:39

Wish i had - we had back-to-back visitors last xmas, just too much! Now? Noone. They all came at once and cd have chosen not to do so but dh too bloody soft-
Set out ground rules in advance if you do agree, get them to hire a car also for all those day trips they want

Original poster
Mosman · 13/01/2013 09:45

She doesn't drive and does the sad face when we mention there's a bus service.
Basically how it will go is sitting around bored all day, harrasing the kids when they get home from school and some of it is good, she gets homework done and spelling tests do improve when she's around i'll grant her that, then DH gets stalked from the moment he walks in the door because she's had nobody to talk to all day - not that she talks to anyone in the UK as she hates her neighbours and lives alone - and then sits up half the night moaning aussie TV is shite, which it is tbh. Come the weekend she is desperate for entertainment and we are to be her tour guides in her mind. We need to do the washing and sleep.

It's hard work, I admire those who do this regularly with friends as well as family.

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charlottehere · 13/01/2013 09:49

I can totally understand why you don't want mil to stay for 4 wekks, would be my worst nightmare. Blush However, I don't get what you expect/are happy with, your dh/dcs never seeing their dm/gm again? Confused

It does sound like she could b more flexible re new zealand.

I can't believe you expect her to buy her own food. Shock Seems really disrespectful to me and I cant bear my mil

Original poster
Mosman · 13/01/2013 09:53

I genuinely cannot afford to feed her, that is the truth.
Even if I loved and invited her, she's a fussy eater. DH and I rarely have an evening meal we can't afford it.

OP posts:
charlottehere · 13/01/2013 09:54

Wow op that sounds hard re food. Sad