Help! Make a difficult choice or should I just put up and shut up?

[DilemmawithcapitalD]

Context:
Happily married to dh for 11 yrs. Moved abroad with him 7 yrs ago (N.Europe).
Two dc; 9 and 7 years.

Problem:
I am deeply unhappy with my life. Turning 40 this year and feel I'm on a downward spiral. I dislike who I am becoming. I don't dislike where I live (many plus points) and I have good friends. I've learnt the local language but I will never reach the level which I would need to pursue the technical career I had in UK prior to marriage. I therefore have p/t job which is deeply unsatisfying.

Dh has successful demanding job. Very happy here. Dss happy, thriving, settled. No money worries.

It's just me that's the problem! I'm never going to be housewife of the year or be the domestic goddess type and I hate our apartment which came with dh's job so not much satisfaction there.

I've thrown myself in to exercise classes, craft groups, volunteering etc but these are starting to lose their attraction. I need something a bit more tangible. I need my own identity. I also hate not earning my own money.

I'm very happy that dh and dc are happy. I'm very lucky in many ways. And that makes me feel worse for wanting "more" and rocking the boat.

Options:

1. Move myself and dc to UK and have dh commute every weekend. To make this possible I would have to live in part of UK where I have no family or friends. Re-train or restart old job which I would then have to do to fit in around school hours. Dh would be fairly unhappy with this arrangement but would put up with it. I think I would find it fairly tough going as dh is very involved father but prepared to give it a go.

1. Move myself and boys to UK to where my family live which would mean I have more support but dh could probably only visit every fortnight or three weeks. However I could probably work full time. I'd prefer this option but would miss dh. Dh would be even less happy about this option.

1. Leave dh and the boys here mid-week and I commute for four days or so at a time. Dh is very hands on but this would be a lot for him on top of demanding job and it would break my heart to leave dc.

1. Decide I am being selfish. Put up and shut up and watch my professional life and self esteem go steadily down the pan.

There's no possiblity of dh relocating so I'm facing a dilemma. None of the above options are without their problems. What would you do in similar circumstances?

I've changed my name for this so please don't out me if you guess who I am.

And please excuse this rather self-indulgent rant but it's getting me down. Sometimes I think I can hang in there. Sometimes I think I can't bear it a day longer.

Sorry!

Hadn't realised my op was so long. Thanks for ploughing through.

anyone?

Very selfishly inclined to go for N.3
That said, having done it the other way round for the last 6 months, i can say they do terribly miss the other parent and now glad to be back in the same household.

Hi! I can feel the sadness in your post.

Could you take on more responsibility in your p/t job? Could you improve your local language so you could consider your old career where you live now? Or a job that would use your English?

Could anything be done to improve your apartment?

Does your husband know how you feel?

That sounds really really tough. I have to say number 3 would probably appeal to me most as well but mainly because the other options all sound extremely unappealing.

Is there any chance of getting a UK based job that involved a certain amount of working from home, or more part time hours so that you could come back for shorter stints? If you do go for this option, can you get extra paid help for your DH?

Or any possibility of retraining in your new country, either in your previous field or something different but more interesting than your current job?

You sound like you have done all the right things in terms of integration, but you also sound as if you will be desperately unhappy if you just hang in there with the current situation.

good luck and let us know what you decide!

I do feel for you as I fear I may be in the same situation soon. I just recently moved to where my husband was relocated (and promoted) and I need to learn the language first in order to get by, let alone work. I also had a great job that I had to give up for this move, so really, I do feel your heart break. I thought long and hard and, like you, felt I had to be the one to give in for the good of the family.

My motto is things always get worse before they get better and, take heart in that you already did the hardest step, which is to acknowledge how you really feel instead of sweeping it all under the proverbial rug. You are very brave and, I believe, stronger than you think.

I can only share what I feel I will do when the time comes, as I have had other friends in the same position and they are all guiding me at the moment:

1. Consider starting your own small online business - consulting, buy and sell, etc

1. Have a close family member come and stay with you for at least a month. This can allow you some perspective from another POV and will ease some of the homesickness, hopefully.

1. Take some time out for you - like a personal vacation away from your social work and family, just to think, reflect, and relax.

1. Make sure there is someone close by who you can talk to about your issues, not just your DH. It will be hard to complain to him without making him feel bad or you guilty afterwards.

1. You love your children and as all your above choices involve not just sacrifices for you and DH but also them, would it be possible to think of another alternative? Can your DH work remotely for some time, thereby giving you some time back home where you can work remotely for part of the year as well?

I hope this is helpful and if not, I do apologize. I wish you nothing but the best and a big hug... it is hard to think of yourself and others at the same time, and even harder to find a solution where everyone can be happy.

Thank you for your replies. It feels good just to be able to discuss it in the open, albeit anonymously on-line!

For reasons Slim mentions, I hesitate to break up the family when they are so happy which is why I am posting here.

It's interesting two of you favour option 3. I agree it might be the least disruptive. And one advantage of being here is that it is fairly easy to find people to help with childcare.

Weta and Bishoplyn - thank you for your questions/suggestions.

Icould take on more responsibility in my p/t job but in all honesty I don't want to as it bores me and it would mean more boring tasks rather than more challenging ones.

I'm still progressing with 'native' language but it will never be good enough to pursue original career as language based and v. technical. There are limited jobs in English here; the interesting ones and few and far between and large expat population to fight over them.

I definitely should do something to change my apartment. There is always something that can be done but part of general malaise that I haven't. Hate renting!!

Dh does know how I feel and it upsets him but he has very few options with his career (defence). He's a very conscientious husband and father and he tends to take my unhappiness personally which is why I don't discuss it with him very often.

I have already explored UK freelance type job and it doesn't really work in my field but I WILL definitely think about the possibility of training to do something totally different here. My language skills would be up to that!!

Thank you. I'm in a rut and that's a different track that I haven't yet explored.

You are right Weta - something definitely has to change - and I will let you know 'what'!

It's good to be able to kick ideas about on here.

If you have learnt the language, why can't you get a job in your previous field? What was your previous career?

'I'm still progressing with 'native' language but it will never be good enough to pursue original career as language based and v. technical.'

This is what I feared when I moved to Belgium, but with a lot of hard work, I have managed to get back into the same health related career.

Neverbeenthereneverdonethat - thank you for your incredibly perceptive and helpful post.

I really like the on-line business idea and will try and encourage a close relation to come out here for a while (although they are all terribly busy). Will definitely pursue points 3 & 4 too.

Yr point 5 really hits the nail on the head! The school holidays are long here so one possible solution would be to try and buy a small holiday cottage in the UK which I could possibly use as a base for work from time to time.

Thank you again for your encouragement and I hope your sojourn in your new country is a happy and productive one. Good luck with the language learning too! If you have dc - I hope they settle in well also (which is half the battle!).

DilemawithcapitalD - keep us up to date with how things go as I am sure all of us here want you to succeed in being happy! :)

Just an idea which may be way off-beam, but you say your previous career was language-based and v technical - is there any way you get into freelance work writing about it for specialist publications? A friend of mine did that in the south of France and would travel around (UK or elsewhere) to interview people etc and then do all the writing at home.

Belgo - well done to you for transferring your skills.

I was in a rather specialised area of science journalism.

I have pursued that Weta but the work dried up over time. It involved practical testing and I really have to be in the UK to keep up with the lastest developments.

Thank you again Neverbeen ...and everyone else for the support

I feel better already!

Hi
just wanted to say that please be careful of spending too much time apart from DH if you choose options 1 or 2. My DH and I spent 2 years as weekend partners because of work and it nearly drove us apart. It's not the same for everyone I know but just something to bear in mind. You end up living such separate lives during the week and then trying to fit your whole life into a weekend.
I'm in a slightly similar boat but have decided to give careear a break and try to enjoy the "now" for what it is. Good luck.

Will definitely bear that in mind. Thank you Citrusfruit. I am wary of it as I have friends for whom it has been a disaster.

ah I was about to say the only career I could think that was difficult to transfer would be technical writing.

I do know medical/business writers who get a lot of work in english, but that's difficult of you have to do testing.

Could you take a course in your new country and retrain? Your language skills would improve very quickly if you could do this.

Or even a degree/masters in a foreign langauge?

Thanks for the helpful suggestions Belgo.

I have thought about doing an OU language degree. It's something I am still considering in fact as I know it will help both immediately (to keep my brain engaged) and with a potential future career.

It could be a good first step before retraining in an entirely different field too - and I could finish it fairly quickly to leave time for more study later on.

I'm not suggesting an OU course, I'm suggesting you do a local course - degree or something else to retrain in, in the local language. It will be difficult of course doing it in a foreign language, but it is possible,

for example a degree in pharmacy, studying it in the local language.

Oh I see! That's a good idea.

My current language level would be just about up to that. Particularly if I go for something with a practical element. Thanks Belgo!

Actually starting to feel quite excited about this now.

Contact your local university and see what the language requirements are for their degrees, even a master's if you already have a bachelor's. You may need to have passed certain language exams to get onto the courses.

You may even want to inscribe as a work-seeker so you can get help and advice with retraining.

I just don't see any point for you to move back to the UK for another qualification in english, then trying to transfer it to another country.

If you have the local qualification, it will help you get a job there, and be very impressive on your CV if you ever move back to England.

That all makes sense Belgo, particularly the bit about retraining in English only to encounter the same problems. I will investigate local university courses. Thanks again.