Help! Make a difficult choice or should I just put up and shut up?

[DilemmawithcapitalD]

Context:
Happily married to dh for 11 yrs. Moved abroad with him 7 yrs ago (N.Europe).
Two dc; 9 and 7 years.

Problem:
I am deeply unhappy with my life. Turning 40 this year and feel I'm on a downward spiral. I dislike who I am becoming. I don't dislike where I live (many plus points) and I have good friends. I've learnt the local language but I will never reach the level which I would need to pursue the technical career I had in UK prior to marriage. I therefore have p/t job which is deeply unsatisfying.

Dh has successful demanding job. Very happy here. Dss happy, thriving, settled. No money worries.

It's just me that's the problem! I'm never going to be housewife of the year or be the domestic goddess type and I hate our apartment which came with dh's job so not much satisfaction there.

I've thrown myself in to exercise classes, craft groups, volunteering etc but these are starting to lose their attraction. I need something a bit more tangible. I need my own identity. I also hate not earning my own money.

I'm very happy that dh and dc are happy. I'm very lucky in many ways. And that makes me feel worse for wanting "more" and rocking the boat.

Options:

1. Move myself and dc to UK and have dh commute every weekend. To make this possible I would have to live in part of UK where I have no family or friends. Re-train or restart old job which I would then have to do to fit in around school hours. Dh would be fairly unhappy with this arrangement but would put up with it. I think I would find it fairly tough going as dh is very involved father but prepared to give it a go.

1. Move myself and boys to UK to where my family live which would mean I have more support but dh could probably only visit every fortnight or three weeks. However I could probably work full time. I'd prefer this option but would miss dh. Dh would be even less happy about this option.

1. Leave dh and the boys here mid-week and I commute for four days or so at a time. Dh is very hands on but this would be a lot for him on top of demanding job and it would break my heart to leave dc.

1. Decide I am being selfish. Put up and shut up and watch my professional life and self esteem go steadily down the pan.

There's no possiblity of dh relocating so I'm facing a dilemma. None of the above options are without their problems. What would you do in similar circumstances?

I've changed my name for this so please don't out me if you guess who I am.

And please excuse this rather self-indulgent rant but it's getting me down. Sometimes I think I can hang in there. Sometimes I think I can't bear it a day longer.

Thanksamillion - i have much sympathy with bveing in the sticks, that is tough. In the Uk we were rural and i became good friends with a Swedish woman, initally because we had kids the same age, but also because i thought it must be incredibly hard being abroad with a little one. I am, at least, in a town, and it is lively with the language course being run by the local council (there was no irony in the lack of allowance made for me enrolling on a beginner's course, hence my lack of comprehension regarding the details! the secretary just spoke to me incredibly fast then showed me the door! i gleaned some bits but am awaiting a phone call - now that should be funny!).

Belgo- you are right about the comedy - i always think that about Eddie Izzard doing routines in French.

Bananas - funnily enough after reading this thread this morning i did think about finding a "partner" for the kids to play/practice language...I'm not confidnet enough to set something up here yet, but i'd certainly consider it (and was a TEFL teacher years ago). I'm going to the local public kids' library this afternoon, run by the Motessori school here that has an EEnglish aspect to their education.

Dilemma - so sorry for the hijack - think you've hit a nerve with a few MNers!

Out of curiosity, how would you go about writing re>the posts about contacting editors etc? How would you be taken seriously? I'd love to do some writing, either regarding my previous field (third sector and the arts)or otherwise. Any ideas?

I would go for number 2 , possibly retraining in some way that would make it easier for me to work whilst overseas at a level which would suit my ambition- if that is what the long-term situation is going to be jobwise with dh and his higher wage means it is unavoidable. In any case getting back into work or training in the UK would help you get back on board, back to where you were before the move abroad.

I couldn't leave my dc so 3 would be out and 4 sounds like a ticket to hell, 1 might just be lonely and hard so out of the frying pan into the fire?

Thanks for the encouragement with the language Belgo. I do speak quite a lot (we're the only English speakers for miles around so I don't have much choice) and we're quite active/integrated into the community.

I think I'm just fed up with having to explain things simply because I don't have the language to express myself properly and because I sound fairly fluent within a limited range of conversation (if a little grammatically odd) they assume that I don't have anything more interesting to say rather than that I can't say it IYSWIM.

I don't know if this would be possible, but I would consider another option: a clear timeline for when you and your whole family move back to the UK (do your kids speak English?). So could you agree with DH that say in five years time you all call it quids and go back??? At least then you have something to look forward to and work towards it, including with the kids so they are prepared to fit into UK system when you all come back.

Hello and thanks. Returned from a weekend away to find lots more replies.

Cellini and Thanksamillion - don't apologise for the hi-jack. It's good to know (in a selfish sort of way) that I'm not the only one facing these dilemmas.

Dikkertjedap thank you - I think that is a really good strategy for many in these circumstances but I doubt it will work in dh's case because of the nature of his job which is dependent, to a large extent, on his language skills and geographical location. Also, I think I'm too indecisive to be able to set it in stone, largely because the boys have such opportunities here with regard to language learning. I'm not sure I would want them to give that up.

I totally agree with the concept though! Many of our friends have come out here on a two to five year "tour" and that has helped them make the most of their situation and to plan ahead. It is more difficult when things are indeterminate.

Bananas - thanks for life coach idea. I'll look in to it. It might just provide the support and motivation I need to get me out of the doldrums! I hope you find the job you are looking for.

Cellini- Im sorry you have had to give up your dream job and you find yourself so isolated with your lo. I was going to suggest you start a toddler group for English-speaking expats but I see others have got there before me! Start small to build your confidence. I'm sure you will find others in a similar situation. Is there a local paper, church or school notice board, or Internet forum where you could advertise? Hope the fact finding trip to the library went well.

Thanks a million - good luck with your toddler group! I started a hobby group when I first moved here and many of the members have remained my closest friends. Btw you have my sympathies with regard to the language/lack of nuance frustration!

Nine Dragons - thank you. Thinking 10 years ahead certainly bring all these issues in to sharp focus. The empty nest syndrome is what I am most worried about tbh. I think I have decided that I need to throw myself full steam ahead in to language and career development here rather than relocation.

Thank you ZennAgain and everyone else for all your input. Hope those of you in similar situations find solutions that suit you and your families. Not easy I know!

Btw, I think Belgo is right about the language learning and not focusing on perfection but on practising in as many real life situations as possible.

Just wanted to report back - I invited 3 ladies and their pre-school children to come this morning. One turned up which is better than none! We had a good chat (I think!) and her daughter wanted to stay longer and play more so that was a good hook to invited her again next week. She knows the other ladies too so I'm hoping that she will enthuse them to come.

And then the other ladies turned up at 12.30 (I'd invited them to come at 10)!

That's very positive news Thanksamillion. Well done for taking the initiative.

well done thanks! what did you do when the latecomers arrived?! are you going to make it a regular thing?

Dilemma - you sound galvanised - good stuff!I am following your example and renewing my language learning, too - thank you for the inspiration.

I am going to a books-and-practice-speaking-english thing at our local book shop this thurs - wish me luck - i hope i can meet someone who also has a child they'd like to practice English with so my DS can finally have a friend here!

hope everyone else is getting on well in this january gloom.

Let us known how Thursday goes cellini

I was just about to start making lunch when the latecomers arrived! We just got on and chatted and I helped the kids to play (most children here have very little experience of toys beyond stuffed things so I had to show them how to put Duplo together etc). It was good and I said they can come again next week. I'll probably seem them at church/in the village later in the week so will reiterate the invite. It feels like a good first step.

thanks - Yesteday was great! met lots of nice people, including three with children same age! one came to play today - hurray! have linked me into a group they run, meeting weekly at each others' houses, so added meetings on the horizon - phew! i recommend anyone with a good bookshop try and set one up - twas well worth a visit! hope everyone is cracking on with their plans.