Help! Make a difficult choice or should I just put up and shut up?

[DilemmawithcapitalD]

Context:
Happily married to dh for 11 yrs. Moved abroad with him 7 yrs ago (N.Europe).
Two dc; 9 and 7 years.

Problem:
I am deeply unhappy with my life. Turning 40 this year and feel I'm on a downward spiral. I dislike who I am becoming. I don't dislike where I live (many plus points) and I have good friends. I've learnt the local language but I will never reach the level which I would need to pursue the technical career I had in UK prior to marriage. I therefore have p/t job which is deeply unsatisfying.

Dh has successful demanding job. Very happy here. Dss happy, thriving, settled. No money worries.

It's just me that's the problem! I'm never going to be housewife of the year or be the domestic goddess type and I hate our apartment which came with dh's job so not much satisfaction there.

I've thrown myself in to exercise classes, craft groups, volunteering etc but these are starting to lose their attraction. I need something a bit more tangible. I need my own identity. I also hate not earning my own money.

I'm very happy that dh and dc are happy. I'm very lucky in many ways. And that makes me feel worse for wanting "more" and rocking the boat.

Options:

1. Move myself and dc to UK and have dh commute every weekend. To make this possible I would have to live in part of UK where I have no family or friends. Re-train or restart old job which I would then have to do to fit in around school hours. Dh would be fairly unhappy with this arrangement but would put up with it. I think I would find it fairly tough going as dh is very involved father but prepared to give it a go.

1. Move myself and boys to UK to where my family live which would mean I have more support but dh could probably only visit every fortnight or three weeks. However I could probably work full time. I'd prefer this option but would miss dh. Dh would be even less happy about this option.

1. Leave dh and the boys here mid-week and I commute for four days or so at a time. Dh is very hands on but this would be a lot for him on top of demanding job and it would break my heart to leave dc.

1. Decide I am being selfish. Put up and shut up and watch my professional life and self esteem go steadily down the pan.

There's no possiblity of dh relocating so I'm facing a dilemma. None of the above options are without their problems. What would you do in similar circumstances?

I've changed my name for this so please don't out me if you guess who I am.

And please excuse this rather self-indulgent rant but it's getting me down. Sometimes I think I can hang in there. Sometimes I think I can't bear it a day longer.

Just wanted to say I agree with Belgo about retraining locally - I know people here who have done that and then it has given them contacts etc that have helped them get a job. Plus the locals will be much more open to employing a foreigner with a local qualification than a foreigner with a foreign qualification.

Is there something drastic but temporary you could do to satisfy the craving? It doesn't have to be permanent? Is it an itch you need to scratch or a complete life change you need, do you think?

It's hard I know - the trailing Xpat wife thing!. I have a nice life and know some lovely people , but I too get frustated in the career thing. I am NOT fluent in French OR Dutch, even after 5 years (I expected this to happen).

I HATE my current job and would love to move, but it is SO hard to find a different one. I figure the only way forward is to improve my language skills. I feel very much that DH's career is leading the way, and I have to work round that. I can only do that SO much though....

Weta - yes I think it would open up more prospects for me - thanks

Kitbit - definitely the latter!Don't want to end up a disappointed, frustrated, bitter old woman!! Don't want to model that to the boys either now or once they leave home which is only a decade away. I need something for myself; an independent life and identity other than wife and mother.

It's been great being able to 'discuss' this on here. Mnset is brilliant for this sort of thing. Very heartened by all the advice and suggestions and by the fact that none of you have said "you are being so selfish, pull yourself together" which is what I half anticipated because it is how I feel sometimes!!

I've been reassured that my "problem/situation" is legitimate and that in itself has given me the confidence to go ahead and tackle it if that makes sense (without feeling guilty).

Thanks again everyone.

x posts Portofino - thank you for the support - hope you find a way through the thicket too!

In my case, DH is 11 years older and had never built up much of a pension in the past (I paid into mine since 25 yo). As a family, it makes sense to support him to do well. The more he climbs the ladder, the better it is for all of us in the long run etc.

For me, it is fecking frustrating. He travels a lot, so I can't - unless I hire live in help. Most jobs in my career path involve at least a certain amount. Suddenly I feel "second best".

But I am determined to not let it get to me. Work is only one part of me. I can enjoy the rest of my life and wait for the right opportunity. Things get easier when the dcs get bigger....I hope!

Portofino. It is definitely not easy is it?

My dh travels frequently too so I know the problem. He also earns about five times what I do so it makes sense for him to be the main breadwinner also . I really sympathise.

On the other hand, no one wins if mum is miserable. So you are right to fight against it. I'm sure it will get easier as dc grow and agree about work being only one aspect of who we are (albeit an important one).

Why are you in a job you hate? If it's because you have to for the money then I understand.

You have worth being a sahm - why not do this for a while. As your kids will be in school you could combine with retraining, a course - or just doing something you're interested in.

hi, sorry as its quite late this will be short but I wanted to offer an alternative suggestion as I was in a similar-ish position.

I had to give up a city finance career when DS started school; looking after a home ft would be my idea of hell. So I needed to find something to do which would fit around DS but keep my mind active. So I set up a small business selling childrens books. I love the product and really enjoy advising to schools and individuals. Usborne are based in many locations globally and particularly in Europe so perhaps you could consider a career change doing that or somthing similar, even for a few years to keep your working brain going.

It sounds as if your family are so settled it would be such a pity to disrupt that by moving all or part of the family home.

Dessen - good question! I'm really not sure tbh. Because I have always worked I suppose and like to have some money of my "own" although it's not for the money per se. And because I feel restless as a sahm I suppose. But I definitely will explore retraining options.

Samels - I think I have decided about not moving my family - I agree it would be too much disruption for everyone (and not possible financially for dh to work elsewhere anyway). Thanks for your suggestion. I love Usborne books! Selling is not for me (I'd be useless at it) but I really admire people who can! I'm definitely thinking along the lines of retraining locally here with a view to pursuing a freelance job which fits around dc or set up a small online business which is similar sort of thing. I can really see that working.

Thanks again everyone. Goodnight! This has really helped!

I read this post with a sinking 'oh lord, that's me in 15 years' feeling so I don't think you're being selfish at all and good for you wanting to find a way out if it.

I think the idea of studying in your current location is a great one, especially if your language skills are good enough and having qualifications in 2 related areas from different countries will look fab.

The only thing I would say is that if you're going for a course which would lead to a registered profession and you might move again, check how transferable it is. It's a massive problem within Europe for the teaching profession, unless you teach in private/international schools, and the same might well apply to health and law.

Thanks for the tip GoldFrakkincenseandM! Will keep it in mind when I look for options. I'm not in any of those fields though.

Thanks for the support. Best to plan now for 15 yrs hence. Don't leave it late like me! I know it is going to be difficult retraining because I don't think life long learning has really taken off here and all students tend to be in their late teens and early twenties. On the other hand, I'm enough of an old battle-axe now not to care so much!

I don´t think you are being selfish...you have every right to want to do something that makes you feel happy. Happy mummy, happy family and all that....

It has been great to read these replies and I don´t have much to add, except to share perhaps some context about my situation and my plans to get out of the sahm which is just not for me.

I´ve been in Austria for 18 months. I´ve been learning German and it is slowly getting better...but now comes the hard bit of making it perfect. That means hard work from me, and sometimes I just get frustrated, bored and feel unmotivated to open up that Grammar book.

Have you approached the unemployment office? I am enrolled at the unemployment office here. I am not entitled to any money from them as have not worked here. But they have sent me on a German course (level was too low so did not take up that offer) and on another course to help look for a job. The course was not as promising as it sounded, but I now have an Austrian CV and a cover letter which I can send off to places. I also learnt some things about the Austrian job market.

Where I am there is an organisation which pays for half of your further training if you are already involved. Might be worth having a look round?

I am also planning on retraining at the local university here. I am going to apply to university here in September. I want a local qualification that will get me a job!

I have also applied to do voluntary work in a related field to the one I would like to work in (and which I worked in in the UK), in the hope that this will give me local experience.

My main goal is to keep moving, keep learning, keep doing something which will eventually get me out of the rut. I´m going to be 40 too. But some days I just want to mumsnet :) though that is also motivating, isn´t it?

Like you, my whole family is ever so settled and our quality of life is so much better here than in the Uk. I would not want to move to the Uk again but I have to sort out my future now...well done for sticking it out for 7 years. And for now doing something about it. Go, go, go....

Thanks Bananasananas!

I have explored voluntary work but I can't do it in my field as there are too many tax, insurance and other bureaucratic considerations. I even begged two employers in the private sector to take me on for free but they wouldn't consider it for fear of getting in to trouble with the employment authorities. The red tape is a nightmare here.

I will go and see what the local unemployment office has to office though in terms of advice and resources. Thanks for the tip.

You have my sympathies regarding the language learning. It can feel like such a slog sometimes but well done to you for keeping going! And I hope it all goes well for you at University. I hope you enjoy your course.

Thanks for the encouragement too! I've spent so long thinking debating this issue and flip-flopping about what I should do, I really need to start acting on it now.

Good luck in September.

Bananas - don't worry about becoming 'perfect' in the language.

It is very hard to become totally perfect, even after nine years, my flemish is not perfect. Good enough to study a degree here and work here, but not perfect and I wonder if it will ever be perfect.

It is frustrating to have compromised my career when I moved here but I try very hard to remind myself of the opportunities I've had here and we'll all be working until we are 65 or even longer so part of me thinks what's the rush?

As Portofino says (waves back!) there is more to life then a career, especially when you are living in a foreign country. Although Porto still has a very good career and is very good at french and flemish, she is also modest!

Red tape is also a nightmare here...I can see how voluntary work is not possible in your areas.

One last thing...have you thought of a life coach? I have not done it but heard good things about them. Though I guess they would have to be local and familiar with expat issues etc. Does you dh work offer anything like that for spouses? I think employers have become increasingly aware that the trailing spouse may also need some support or help with finding work.

you are right belgo, it does not need to be perfect....just good enough to do the degree and job. Certainly better than at the moment though!

Tbh I don´t want a "career", I want a job which I enjoy. I need to do something other than sahm for my mental health but I don´t want to work long hours, will not travel etc. As you say there is more to life than a career - lots to explore !

I know, another 25 years (or more) of work is enough for me...no rush at all! off to make another cup of tea....before hassling practising my German with locals about red tape issues.

Hello all!
will probably thread-kill here as nothing much to say other than I too have just moved abroad, like Gold, and am taking all this advice to heart and salute you D for looking for "more". Nothing selfish about that - as you say, not-happy mum means nobody has a great time. FWIW, the uni courses made me quite excited too - as a future prospect of course, but as a post-grad would've been out of the question in UK but, in time, who knows here?

Language is my first barrier and also I have a 2year old who was in nursery/with nanny in UK as i worked FT (having finally got my "dream job" after years of career slog - but DP's job offer was literally too good to refuse),yet they have no toddler groups here so it's just the 2 of us, 5 days a week for 12 hours a day...he's great fun but it's hard as no one speaks English (nor do i expect them to but my language skills are so basic at the moment). Have enrolled on a course but the start date is vague and i'm not sure if it'll actually materialise.

I will, however, take all these thoughts and stoke the "fire of positivity" within! thanks guys and good luck with everything - i think you all sound v motivated and am inspired. All this on a day when i was thinking the yawning chasm of time might be too much for me and DS!

Cellini where are you? I have the lack of toddler groups too so am planning on starting my own next week! In my house I just have to get round to inviting some people I kind of know with similar age children. I've planned out how I'll arrange the house.

If I'm honest I've been faffing about doing this for a while but you're all so pro-active and getting on with things you're making me feel like I should too. So thanks for inspiring me

Northern Italy - where are you? wow - good for you! wouldn't even have the language to go about inviting people at the moment - more power to you though thanksamillion!

think maybe all the Nonnas who seem to look afetr the bambini must get together somewhere, although i do see other mums with little ones around, and hope that once Spring arrives they'll be at parks so my son can socialise too.

can't wait to hear how everyone gets on! I'm on the Little Italy thread which has been fantastic, but this is a very supportive thread and full of great ideas - thanks again everyone.

wow cellini I salute you! for spending so much time alone with your dc. That´s a good idea about starting your own group...celllini, would you start a little group? do you think you could make it a bilingual one where you sing some English songs, read English books etc? I am originally from Spain and know how important people think it is for thier children to learn english from an early age. Or it does not have to be a group but you could do an kind of "tandem" with children? Find an Italian mum who wants to learn/practice English and you can meet with children where you spend 30 mins speaking English and then 30 mins speaking Italian. I also know the nonnas scenario and the fact that the childcare stays within the family. Maybe there are some modern nonnas out there who want to learn english?

Language course sounds a bit funny, what is that about? I´d be tempted to get a definite course or private teacher. Also have you looked into language classes with childcare? I know they exist here and in other countries. Could you afford to get someone to babysit for a couple of hours while you go to a class?

I´ve also been motivated by this thread, thanks all!

Jesus, OP, don't let your career fizzle and die.

I've been the trailing spouse but only, and I mean literally the only reason I agreed to go, because my company transferred me to their office in that country.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Still overseas with university-age DCs who regard themselves as natives in your new country? Still stuck there for your DH's job, only without the distraction of lovely little kids around? Even more bored with an empty nest and a crappy PT job? That sounds to me like a situation that would fester. Actually it sounds like the textbook circumstance for the classic trailing spouse affair.

If you need to come home, seven years is a good innings and you've made your sacrifice. If it's just the career you need to get sorted out to be happy, you need to throw everything you have at that. Could you find an editor in your field in your new country? I work with a lot of non-native English speakers, and with a good editor it's not the barrier you might think.

How specialist are your DH's skills and could he get a job back in the UK?

Are we talking Polynesian archaeologist who can only work in Tahiti specialist? or are his skills transferrable?

I don't think it's ever fair for one partner to accept unhappiness as a way of life just to support the other's career.

ninedragons I do agree that it is not a good idea for a trailing souse never to have her own life and her own achievements.

I am inspired by an english comedian living and working in Belgium - Nigel Williams - moved to Belgium as an adult, learnt flemish and is now one of the country's top comedians, regularly on TV doing his stand up routine, in flemish, making flemish people laugh a lot. I have seen him three times (twice in flemish, one in english) and he is hilarious.

That has to be just about the most difficult career to have in any country, let alone as a foreigner in a foreign country!

That is quite inspiring belgo. I really need to get my head down with some language but I really lack motivation. It's just so dull to try and learn grammer, and I can't really get much further without it. I'd love to join a class but we live out in the sticks and I can't justify a four hour round trip for a lesson.

cellini I'm in Moldova but I think that some aspects of the culture are quite similar - almost all childcare and socialising is done within the extended family and so people don't even really seem to know how to 'do' friendships outside of that. As to language being good enough I have been here for three years (I did say I'd been faffing about doing it!) so it will come.

Also apologies OP for highjacking the thread somewhat

thanksamillion - don't worry too much about perfecting your grammar, and certainly don't let fear of grammatical mistakes put you off talking.

The more you talk and listen to other people talking, the more you hear what is right and what is wrong. Formal lessons are important but they have to be balanced with real life practise of the language.