Morning, so as always I really want to keep things as real as possible, and the last day has been really tough.
I’ve been feeling pretty unwell and the jaundice seems worse. I’m itchy quite a bit, my eyes and skin are definitely yellower, pee still like black tea and keep thinking it is all failing. I just have absolutely zero energy or tolerance for anything or anyone. Walking is hard with then swelling but I really do try. Stairs are an event, I need Kerr and it takes ages.
Eating is so hard, I have developed oral thrush from all the antibiotics (have got nystan drops), and while my upper body grows ever more emaciated - Kerr said he is now scared by how emaciated I look and I do too, my lower body is not clearing any of this fluid at all and I’m scared. I feel like I’m going backwards and not forwards. Honestly feel like I am dying at times, and sometimes it’s not unwelcome as this is just suffering now. I dread a new day.
I’m also a terrible house guest as I just cannot stand the conversation and noise. I’m sure my friend didn’t sign up for this. A big part of me just wants to be back at home now. I’m so shaky and weak, every exertion makes my heart race.
On a positive note, and I don’t want to speak too soon, but I’ve had lower pain during the nights - seem to have got the dosage more balanced for hitting the worst of then back pain. So, there is that.
Feeling sick quite a bit too, but not actually being sick.
Have go for a dressing change this afternoon and that feels like an absolute mountain to climb. Just feeling a bit hopeless and done today. Sorry about that, but I really try to be as truthful as I can.
I FaceTimed Jacob and my mum last night and it was a bad choice of time as I was on awful form. Need to choose my timings better. Also, and I’m not getting into massive family drama here, but had a real blow yesterday. My 97 year old grandma usually lives with my mum who looks after her (she is independent mainly, just some mobility issues), but for the last 2 months, my grandma has stayed with my mum’s brother and wife.
Well, they have had enough of this now and have asked us to make alternative arrangements. That came as a real shock. Anyway, the only viable thing is for my poor grandma to have to fly to NI on her own (with special assistance). We have plenty of room, but I just felt crushed yesterday by this. I feel guilty affecting everyone’s lives, but I just felt also extremely let down. It is what it is, and grandma will be well looked after in NI, but the lack of family support really upset me. Anyway, enough of that and moving on.