How to tell kids when beloved Nan has a terminal diagnosis

[FusionChefGeoff]

Nanny is only 72 and apart from a very very likely pancreatic cancer diagnosis (to be confirmed tomorrow) has always been very active, fit and healthy. This is going to be a huge shock and both kids spend a lot of time at their grandparents house as they’re very local to us.

DD12 in particular is devoted to her Nanny and will be beyond distraught.

We understand that the decline is usually very quick and brutal so we don’t want to wait too long to tell kids but just want to see if anyone has any experience they could share that will help us navigate this?

I’m leaning towards waiting until they’ve done their Sat morning clubs and we have the rest of the day clear so that we can all just be together. Then they both play sport on the Sunday which, if they felt they could still go, would be a great outlet.

DD struggles with big emotions at the moment and I am worried this is going to totally ruin her very positive start in Year 7.

DS 14 is generally very level and mature but no doubt this is going to floor him as well.

What happens next and how I can support MIL, FIL, DH and the wider family is a whole other thread but this is the thing that’s weighing on me heaviest at the moment.

I hate to think of others who’ve already trodden thus path but if you do have anything to share that might be helpful for us to know or think about I’d be very grateful.

Thabk you

Just tell them straight. Both are old enough to realise that people don't go on forever.

I think your instinct to tell them sooner rather than later is sound.
They may react immediately or there may be an element of numbing/ shock that means it could be hours or even days before they show their full feelings.

Your instinct will probably be to protect them from upset but I think in this circumstance it is better to give them the message that huge devastating feelings are ok (if they occur) and while horrible, will shift and change over time. Don't try and shut their feelings down as they may get the message that huge feelings are dangerous/ to be avoided.

I think huge feelings for a child can be quite terrifying sometimes, so the more you can give them support and reassurance ( this is awful but we can get through together, you aren't on your own with these feelings, they feel huge and overwhelming but you are still safe and ok) the better.

Be prepared to answer any questions they might have in an age appropriate but honest way and let them know that all questions are welcome. Let them know they can come back to you with any questions and queries at any time.

Be prepared for bedtime to be difficult and even for separation anxiety to occur ( if Nan is going to disappear maybe mum or dad might too) and for them to even regress emotionally temporarily. So offer things like " shall I come and check on you in an hour and give you another hug if you are still awake" or see if they would like to leave a light on somewhere rather than be in total darkness. They may not need this, but be open and alert to the possibility.

Treat their upset and grieving as a long term project rather than just a reaction when you tell them.

What does Nanny want you to say?

@EducatingArti thank you so much for that really considered and helpful post I will read and re-read it over the coming days I’m sure.

@DisplayPurposesOnlywe will definitely have that discussion with her after she’s had the next appointment and where possible make sure we’re taking at her pace.

It’s already very difficult as DD interrupted us unexpectedly as her training finished early in the week and both DH and I had been crying so I don’t want to be hiding it for too long.

We’ve just had to tell my kids, 12 and 10. Macmillon have some good leaflets on how to tell children.

@hhheeyyyythank you I’ll have a look online for MacMillan advice that’s a good idea

I slightly messed up telling my daughter who was only 10.

I said something like 'Grandpa is really ill and he's not going to get better,' thinking she would know what that meant.

She then overheard me talking to my husband and realised that this meant dying, as opposed to failing to recover.

And at that point the focus moved to her wanting to go and see him. Which we arranged - though we were going to keep it brief. But he died before that could happen. (Very rapid decline.)

I think in your shoes I might wait until I felt a bit calmer before sharing this awful news. It is frightening for children to see their parents fall apart and makes them feel death is very scary and terrible.

I think I would focus on the fact that yes, it is very sad that your mother will not live much longer, and that the coming weeks are going to be strange. But the focus is going to be on making her remaining time as comfortable as it possibly can be. But that also in the meantime, you will also do normal things - eat meals, watch TV, do homework, go for walks etc. too.

Do not go in straight away and tell them she is dying. Tell them she is ill, having treatment, and that she may not be able to do all the things they have normally done together. Let them get used to that idea first. They will probably realise the truth and ask you about it when they are ready. Answer their questions honestly.

I think there is also an issue to do with how the children will be with their Nan while struggling with new and difficult emotions, and she is dealing with the diagnosis. So am inclined to go with the advice above.

Do they know she is unwell? I would have ideally wanted to start there so it feels slightly less inexplicable and less out of the blue for them.

Otherwise, my advice is don't use euphemisms. Say precisely what you mean.

As the person telling them, it may also help you to hold in mind that there are no ways to deliver distressing news that don't cause distress. The distress is from the situation, not something you've created or could have avoided.

I’m leaning towards waiting until they’ve done their Sat morning clubs and we have the rest of the day clear so that we can all just be together. Then they both play sport on the Sunday which, if they felt they could still go, would be a great outlet.

Personally, I'm not keen on this. If they feel you kept it from them and let them go to specific activities before you stage managed the delivery of news you had been keeping secret it will feel a greater shock and potentially damage their trust in you. I get what you're trying to do but I think that proposed timing might benefit your comfort rather than theirs.

I think as pp says at the very least you need to explain that she is unwell at the very earliest opportunity.

I think we’ve spoken about tests and hospital appointments around them although I’m not 100% sure they took any of that in so yes that’s a good step tomorrow no matter what the outcome we can talk about the appointment more clearly and that she is quite poorly.

I'd just say she is very ill. I don't see the point of using the word terminal to children.

I disagree. OP It’s something to tell them when the time is right for you and your DH, your MIL and the children. If that’s after clubs Saturday morning then go with that. It may just naturally evolve over the coming week depending on information you get tomorrow and up coming appointments. I’m not sure what PP is talking about “stage managing” - it is wise and right to think carefully about what you will say and when. That’s not stage managing that’s sensible, empathetic parenting.

(((sending hugs)))

I had to do just this with my dc this week. They are older than your dc, but it's still difficult.

Something I felt very important was to remind them that it was fine to laugh and to enjoy themselves, even during this distressing time. I know that my dc would be upset if they upset me, so I pointed out that we will cry at times, and this is OK. They can talk with me or dad whenever they need.

It's not easy. I hope I got it 'right'.

The kids are both so busy in the week with various activities that are never the same time and often 1 of them is late home so I definitely don’t want to either tell them separately or just before they’re supposed to go to bed then get up for school

Thanks again for all your experiences and suggestions. We are obviously dreaming about the ideal scenario where it’s something innocuous and this will all be null and void but I feel much more prepared now thank you

Tell their school, too .