My dad - 6 months to live

[Shield1990]

Hello All

I hope everyone is well or as good as can be.

My dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer 2 years ago, he had treatment and surgery and was told he was in remission last summer. (Tragically after one of his best friends died from cancer)

This year in August, I saw him before my fmaily went away on holiday and he told me he was having to have more treatment as they'd found a few cancerous spots on his lungs.

Since then, he has been hospitalised and deposits on his spine have been found, it has also spread to his liver.

I saw him 2 weeks ago in Octoberfor his birthday (He is only 59) and was shocked and heartbroken at the difference in appearance since the summer. Previously, my dad looked better than people 10 years younger than him, he had lost a lot of weight, couldn't walk and was clearly in a lot of pain.

On Sunday Morning, I found out he has 6 months prognosis and I am just devastated.

We have now told the wider family (Initially, he didn't want to worry them) and everyone is beside themselves. It feels particularly cruel as his mum - my nan passed away with this about 8 years ago. His dad, sisters etc r are all overseas so are trying to make arrangements to visit him.

My dad is being amazingly strong and amazingly more worried about everyone else (Which I don't want him to worry about, I want him to worry about HIM) I am SO proud of him - can't even verbalise how much. We have previously not been as close as I would like and also am so sad about that as well.

I am just numb one minute, crying the next and want to be able to do something. I will be going to visit him this week. (Lives about 2 hours away from me and so I need to sort childcare before I go, luckily my partnerand work are being amazing)

He has a meeting with his oncologist today to discuss next steps and presumably any pallative care. I am terrified he may not want chemotherapy - and Whilst I understand he will want quality of life and to enjoy what time he has, a part of me would be heartbroken too.

Any advice for someone who is running on empty and juggling work, kids, homework and housework?

TIA xx

Spend as much time with him as possible. I'm not sure how you'll manage that, but you won't regret it. Accept his decision iro chemo. Try to meet him mentally where he is - if that is coming to terms with dying soon, don't go into denial or hunt for miracle cures. Can you manage say two weekends every month? Make a plan and stick to it. All the best.

Sorry you are going through this OP. Similar ages when this happened to both my parents. I didn’t have kids at the time though so take some comfort that he has met his grandchildren.
My dad didn’t have any treatment options but my mum tried chemo but the side effects were so bad she couldn’t tolerate it, so let it be his choice.

I am now 50, and my parents have been gone 25yrs. I look back with very fond memories of them. I also watch my friends and DH battling with parents with dementia and other ailments of old age and know that I (and mum and dad!) dodged a bullet there really. Spend as much time with him as you can. Wishing you strength.

I lost my dad in my early twenties to cancer. I didn’t have a family then but juggled a stressful job own home etc… .
Make sure work are aware and take advantage of anything they can offer you, paid leave, sick leave - whatever it may be. Don’t feel guilty about this. I thought I had to do everything and it ultimately made me very ill when my dad was sick and after he died.

just spend time with him whenever you can, say what needs to be said, laugh, cry together, whatever feelings come to the surface let them play out. You don’t have to act a certain way, allow yourself to feel sad, angry, happy anything that may make you both laugh- whatever it may be. Hold his hand if he needs it - sometimes the roles get reversed and they need a hand hold.

have no regrets x

Look at work compassionate leave policy. I didn’t even realise my work had this but they would have allowed me to take paid an unpaid leave if a family member was seriously ill. I spent a lot of time juggling commitments and wish I’d just taken all the leave I could and spent as much time with my loved one as possible.

Sorry to read this @Shield1990

I didn't lose my dad young but DH did, similar age to your dad and had been fit and apparently healthy and then deteriorated quite quickly.

We lived far away and DH made every effort to spend time with him, I also travelled sometimes but not every trip as I wanted them to have time together.

Leave at the door any embarrassment, say what you want to say. Spend time doing ordinary things, there's often a lot of focus on doing things to remember but actually sitting having tea and a chat or watching sport or pottering round a garden or whatever he likes is a good enough plan.

Your dad might struggle with food/drink so follow his lead.

My FIL did have chemo and actually DH says he wishes he had tried to tell him he had a choice, he didn't need to do that for anyone else, they would be okay. The chemo really impacted the quality of life in his final months. Obviously the decision is personal and it's natural to want more time, but whatever your dad decides try to respect that and not dwell on it. None of us know what choices we would make

Ask your dad about when he was a boy and his favourite things, what kind of things he did for work, any funny escapades he hasn't shared with you before.
In later years you'll treasure those memories and knowing things about him. You can tell your DC, oh you like carrots/horses/puzzles just like grandad, or grandad would be so proud of you studying art/history/music. It keeps the connection going.

If you're a practical family, and even if you're not, try to broach with one of your parents the subject of funeral wishes if it's important to them, if it's done sooner rather than when it becomes a very close reality it might help. One of my parents is very religious and we want to get it right with hymns or readings, the other we know isn't too fussed.

Look after yourself a lot, don't try to be strong all the time. And I guess treat your dad as you always have, he's the same man inside even if he looks very different.

So sorry op. I am sharing a link that I hope you find helpful.
https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/services/support-line
Take care

The website also has a fair bit of info about terminal illness and practical and emotional stuff too.

I have personal experience re Marie Curie website/ support line etc and from my experience can vouch for them!