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Life-limiting illness

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Original poster

Stage4 pancreatic

96 replies

AnotherGreatYearfck · 28/02/2026 17:45

My wonderful, gentle, DF was diagnosed this week. He’s 83. We are waiting for a date for his hospital appointment. What will happen in it? Do we have a chance to ask questions? If they don’t offer treatment, can we insist on it?
I’m feeling exhausted already, but need to be there for dad and mum.

OP posts:
properidiot · 28/02/2026 19:52

So sorry to hear this OP. It depends on lots of things really. But of course you can ask questions.

It will depend on his general health as to whether or not they can or will offer treatment and also on the severity of the disease and how his body is currently being affected; which organs has it spread to etc. If there is appropriate treatment available then they will offer it I'm pretty certain of that. But of course, it will depend on how your DF feels and what he wants. Sending you strength and hugs.

TheJaqual · 28/02/2026 19:53

I am so sorry.

options will depend on how he is.

all the best for the appointment.

damsela · 28/02/2026 19:56

I am very sorry about this awful illness. Is your Dad capable of making decisions for himself? Has he given any indication as to what he might prefer treatment wise? Has anyone got medical POA? Just some things to think about for now.

Soooooo · 28/02/2026 19:58

Sorry to hear this OP.

If they don’t offer treatment, can we insist on it? Kindly no you can't insist they give medical treatment that would be more detrimental to him than not (if they do say there are no treatment options). The team will explain how advanced it is, what the likely outcome of treatment may be (or if treatment would be beneficial in the first place), they may also suggest referring your Dad to the palliative care team if they do feel it is terminal. Yes you can ask questions but prepare yourself as the prognosis is most likely to be poor I am very sorry Flowers

WineBeforeWhine · 28/02/2026 19:59

I’m sorry to read this, stage 4 isn’t good OP and your lovely DF probably will be offered treatment if the medics think he’s strong enough. It’s a painful cancer, you’ll have to be strong for him. You’ll be able to ask anything you want, make notes so you don’t forget what you want to ask.

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 28/02/2026 20:01

There should be an opportunity to ask questions.

Just in case you're going into the appointment determined to opt to prolong his life as much as possible, I'd gently add that it's worth carefully considering the doctors' recommendations about this.

It's not about whether your FIL is worth having treatment - of course he is. The main reason for not having active treatments is if they won't prolong life by much, but will instead take away from quality of life.

I'm so sorry your family's had such sad news.

ArtfulDoddger · 28/02/2026 20:02

So sorry x

shoppingred54 · 28/02/2026 20:03

I am sorry you’re going through this. I’ve found Macmillan Forums extremely helpful. https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/pancreatic-cancer-forum

Original poster
AnotherGreatYearfck · 28/02/2026 20:05

Thank you for your answers. I’m crying my eyes out reading them. I kind of Kronos what is going to happen - dr Google and reading many posts on Mumsnet. Was really hoping that things weren’t as bleak as it was made out.
Just psyching myself up for the appointment x

OP posts:
NooNakedJacuzziness · 28/02/2026 20:15

Hi OP. I’ve been where you are. Like @shoppingred54says, get in touch with Macmillan (or the equivalent in your area). They’ll be an enormous help and comfort when you need them.

Original poster
AnotherGreatYearfck · 28/02/2026 20:19

Just to add. My dad seems ok - optimistic! It was found in a ct scan for something else. He has said that he is feeling ok, but a bit tired.
My mum is in pieces. Me and my siblings are in shock, but trying to concentrate on the management of this (sounds awful, but we are practical sort of people).
its shit!

OP posts:
Ironmanssparesuit · 28/02/2026 20:21

OP my DM was diagnosed at the same age. She didn't accept chemo (it wasn't pushed either) but did have a drain of some kind inserted which relieved a lot of symptoms. She went from being in hospital to having about 6 good months at home before it got bad again and she was back in hospital. I'm sorry it's an awful form of cancer but your dad is lucky to have you and his wife to be there for him.

Ironmanssparesuit · 28/02/2026 20:22

I wanted my mum to have treatment far more than she did. Sometimes we have to accept what they want.

corblimeyguvnr · 28/02/2026 20:26

I'm very sorry to hear this. It is a very difficult one. My father died 30 years ago of this but he was much younger than your father. He was diagnosed January and died in May. Things have maybe moved on a bit. Sending strength to you all. I remember one of the worst things was the feeling that there was nothing you could do. The best thing is thst you will find in you an empathy and strength to deal with all of this.

bumblebee1000 · 28/02/2026 20:35

Sorry to hear that...my dear friend in sicily died recently with that...she thought she had cystitus and stomach ache...it was rapid decline. awful illness.

Blueskies3 · 01/03/2026 10:01

Big hugs OP, my Dad has been diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer. It is so hard

Original poster
AnotherGreatYearfck · 15/04/2026 20:02

Hello. An update and another question.
My darling dad has deteriorated in the last week. He’s still eating a little amount, although he really struggles with constipation and that stops him eating. He has little energy and has gone from walking into town ( 2 weeks ago) to barely managing to walk from room to room.
I can’t believe I’m asking this, but how long has he got? I’m a 6 hour drive away. I’ve have visited several times over the last 7 weeks, but should I now go up to my parents with the view that I’m there until the end? Can’t believe I’m asking this question. It still feels surreal.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 15/04/2026 20:06

Hello @AnotherGreatYearfck I'm so sorry to see your update.
Has your dad's doctor prescribed end of life medication yet?
If not, please ask for this.
Are the nurses involved yet?

It sounds like your dad needs their help and support.

Original poster
AnotherGreatYearfck · 15/04/2026 20:14

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 15/04/2026 20:06

Hello @AnotherGreatYearfck I'm so sorry to see your update.
Has your dad's doctor prescribed end of life medication yet?
If not, please ask for this.
Are the nurses involved yet?

It sounds like your dad needs their help and support.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne Thank you for replying.
No, they haven’t. Dad has got a date to visit the local hospice, but it is a week away. From talking to my mum, it sounds like he is deteriorating each day. He’s also starting to really suffer with pain. He is supposed to start chemo next week, but it really doesn’t sound like he will be well enough for it. We all feel that we are in limbo. I think he needs palliative care.

OP posts:
feejee · 15/04/2026 20:19

I recently lost my mum to this cancer. I'm so sorry your dad has this diagnosis. I would say with my mum she had a few up and downs over 2 years before a very rapid descent.

If he is in pain the GP needs to prescribe pain relief. My mum had transdermal patches towards the end, before she got to morphine stage. Definitely really important to get on top of the pain relief early.

Nodwyddaedafedd · 15/04/2026 20:20

He might have a while. Not great quality of life but a while. My mum lasted 8 weeks from the end of chemo. God knows how. Before chemo she was probably like your dad is now. Knowing what I know now I'm not sure chemo was the best route. It gave us a bit of time but she was very ill throughout with only a short window of doing things. We made some good memories and I loved her fiercely but I'm not sure it was worth it. I'm so sorry. Sending you love and strength. There is a choice of getting signed off - I would do this at a point where you can talk to your doctor about timings and get a good chunk off so you arnt worried about having to have the going back conversation for a period of time.

Harassedmum123 · 15/04/2026 20:21

I have suffered a very recent loss of a parent to cancer. He deteriorated fast towards the end. Your DF will possibly need slow release morphine tablets taken twice a day (12 hours apart) . Another week is too long to wait. They need to get this from their Dr or palliative care team asap.

feejee · 15/04/2026 20:29

Also if he's constipated then he should get a laxative syrup.

I had to be quite insistent at GP reception a few times for my mum, e.g. getting her nutrition shakes prescribed as she couldnt eat. Getting her pain patches increased. Don't hesitate to be a bit pushy (polite pushy) if you need to.

Having the hospice nurse come out was good, she just understood my mum's state and was honest with us if we asked.

She also told us about the care help we could get at home via NHS. Up to 12 weeks no charge. I can't remember now what was going to happen after that as we didn't need it that long. But if your mum needs extra help with moving dad, getting to loo, dressing etc then do ask about that. The carers were a blessing.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 15/04/2026 20:30

The NHS moves too slowly in situations like this. Be the squeaky wheel and keep asking for help. Speak to GP, hospice, anyone involved. My dad deteriorated quickly with an aggressive cancer and we placed too much faith in thinking the medical staff knew how to handle things. With hindsight, I wish I'd been more persistent with asking for pain medication etc.