Hand hold - DH likely to die in next few days

[Bahemoth]

My DH went to hospital a month ago with seizures that wouldn’t stop. He was resistant to all medication so they had to put him in an induced coma on ICU to try and stop them and reduce swelling on the brain. This last option hadn’t worked, as they don’t know the underlying cause for the seizures and they’ve now told me he’s unlikely to survive.

We have two young children and I’m not sure how I can face life without him or how I would break the news to DS9 when the time comes. My other child is 4. I’m in bits, he’s only 39 and was fit and healthy before this.

@Bahemoth please DM me if you need any support. The same thing happened to my husband in 2018, so I understand exactly what you're going through ❤

I am so sorry to read this and I wish you strength and support to deal with it.

Op this is utterly devastating to read, I am so sorry you are all going through this. Sending a handhold, love and strength to you all xxx

This is such great advice, the only thing I would amend is not to focus solely on sadness. With grief, there are a range of feelings the children might have, so I'd say something like "please don't be afraid to feel how you feel, all your feelings are valid and if any feel too big for you then there's lots of adults around that can support you. If you can't come to me then Aunt so-and-so, Mrs Teacher, or so-and-so's mum might be really good people to talk to".

Using the feelings wheel (https://www.calm.com/blog/the-feelings-wheel) might be a good place to start. They might feel sad, angry, numb, and might even have positive feelings like relief in the short term, and that can be as confusing as hell and quite traumatic... Or any other of a range of feelings that can be too big or scary to name.

OP, this is such a horrible, difficult thing to go through and I'm so sorry.

So sorry to hear this, it will be a terrible time but you will survive for your children, they will keep you strong. If you need help how to speak to your children and guide them through this tragedy then look at Winstons Wish. It is a charity for bereaved children. Take care and I hope you will be surrounded by love and support xx

I'm so sorry, love.

I’m so, so sorry OP. I’ve been somewhere similar. It is a frightening, terrible place. The person to whom you’d normally seek for reassurance is the one you face losing. 💔 I’m so, so sorry. I hope they find you a beacon of hope and that he somehow pulls through this.

I am so sorry, hand holding as well

Another hand hold here. You have a whole army of strangers supporting you from afar. Life is so unfair sometimes.

I’m so sorry and have no better advice than what has been offered. I hope there will be some light from the darkest hours. When we turned off dd’s life support, whilst I felt/ feel all of the expected emotions, I also felt an overwhelming sense of peace and thankfulness that the icu staff did everything they could for hours and hours, and that brought me some comfort (and still does). For now, there is no right way to think or right thing to do. Whatever feels right for you and your dc is what you should do.

What a terrible shock OP. I wonder if Winson's Wish might be able to help support the children. winstonswish.org/

I don't have any direct experience of this, but young children are more resilient than you think. It is important that they know what is happening to their Dad and get to see him before and after he has died, and even be with him when he dies if that is possible. If they know what is happening it is less scary than what they are imagining. They can be more accepting of death than adults and using euphemisms is confusing.

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, but take all the help you can get because you won't be able to do this on your own.

You have my very best wishes and my thoughts are with you at this horrible time.

Sending hugs.

How unfair for your dear husband.
Be with him, talk and express anything you don't want left unsaid.

Are there any experimental treatments left for the doctors to trial?

I pray for a miracle for him, and for your strength.

So very very sorry. You are in my thoughts

Thanks for all the advice, it’s very comforting. I’m going to the hospital now with family to get another update. Just praying for a miracle.

Oh my love, what an utterly awful situation.

Thinking of you and your family xxx

I am so sorry @Bahemoth . What a massive shock for you all. I'm praying for you and your family.

Be 'age appropriate honest' with your children, avoid gone into another room type wording, it will lead to confusion, children need certainty not platitudes.

Parent as you have always done, just because they are going through a hideous time does not mean the family rules can slip. In uncertain times the familiar will help.

You will change and some days not recognise yourself in the years to come. You will get through because there is no alternative but to. Grief will alter you and teach you a lot about yourself.

Grief before and after death has to go somewhere, cry it out but then gather yourself and in your own time you move forward.

I am a few years on from my children's father dying and my wife the following year, both unexpected. I have survived which I would never have thought possible in the grim first 6 months.

People will promise a lot now and in the immediate weeks after a death, very few actually perform like they promised. The ones that do are yours for life, cut the rest loose.

Take it one step and moment at a time, you are stronger than you know currently:

I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't know if anyone else has suggested this in the thread, but seizures and swelling on the brain sound like encephalitis to me (my DH got struck down with this late 2020 and came through it thankfully). I assume this has been considered, because if it is that and appropriate treatment is given promptly there could be a chance for him. I hope it's not too late.

I do not have any advice to give - just a hand hold and a huge hug.

Miracles can and do happen in ICU.x

hugs x

Is there anything at all they can suggest, like maybe a very niche specialist in the US or something? I know it seems like you might be being annoying, but honestly I'd want as many opinions and as much input on this as possible, just in case someone happens to know something that might help.

Nothing to say that hasn't already been said, just know I'm another mumsnetter thinking of you all xx