She’s got hours left

[Thby2023]

I’ve written on mumsnet before desperately searching for hope. On the 7th of December my mums face dropped slightly. It’s the 29th of February and she’s in a hospice unable to move because of this stupid fucking evil cancer in her head.

62 years old. My best friend. I speak to her everyday. I’ve just had a baby, my sister is 35 weeks pregnant and she is my son’s favourite person. We were told they were treating it, it hasn’t worked.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. My mum is everything to me. I see her everyday. How can life be so fucking cruel. She wants to live she wants to be here.

Thanks so much, honestly can’t tell you how nice this is I’ve been reading some of your replies to my sister. @Mercury2702 if you want to get in touch we can speak if this is something that would help you. I turned 30 on the 8th of December- the day after my mum went into hospital. We were supposed to be staying in Whitby which was our family holiday winter place for my 30th.I was pregnant at the time so was going to find a hat for my baby with my mum. I’m couldn’t wait to push my little girl round the streets of Whitby this year with mum. It’s all very strange xx

I'm sorry for your loss OP. This will be a very hard and strange time for you all, but it will get better (or at least feel more normal). Hugs to you all xxxx

@Mercury2702 also when we were driving to my sisters I was looking at people thinking the same thing, even people her age, thinking why did you get to stay and she didn’t. Which isn’t fair but I understand why I think that x

I’m so sorry for your loss. I did the same thing when my dad died, was grumpy looking at people his age still here, ones that hadn’t lived as healthily etc. But then I rationalised that my husband’s dad had died decades earlier. Life’s not fair.

One thing that I’ve gradually noticed is how I’ll do or say something and then I’ll think “gosh that was my dad!” They live on inside us. And that comforts me.

I also lost my mother very suddenly at the age of 31, shortly after giving birth. She was 61 and the best person I’ve ever known. You will survive. You will.

And the reason you will is because of that wonderful woman who was your Mum. All that love and kindness and support that she gave you will be what gets you through. I survived because I knew how very much she loved me, and because of the inner strength she gave me.

I decided I had to live my best life, one of kindness and gratitude and love and joy because that is the way I can honour her always. Of course I felt huge sadness and loss, but I knew that she would want me to be happy and joyful and pass that on to my baby, as she had to me.

Be as brave as you can be (which won’t feel very brave right now), acknowledge and understand that sadly you are facing one of the toughest things life can ever throw at you, and dig deep.

Be with your loved ones, be with your baby and be alone. All are important.

Unfortunately it is a little late for me to do it now, but tomorrow I shall light a candle for your mum, and think of you all with love.

Sending hugs OP my dad died of brain cancer. Very very cruel disease

So sorry for your loss x

So sorry for your loss.
Sending love

I'm so sorry x

I feel weird today, I’ve been together all day. Been irritated by those around me who are acting weird or crying (don’t worry not said a word just got on with it). Felt very spiritual all day. My partners just annoyed me a bit and then I’ve burst into tears cause I thought I’d usually ring my mum to bitch about him😂. I’ve then gone to him and told him this and wept and wept inconsolably and we’ve both apologised. Grief is a very strange thing. My dad has gone to be with his friends and is in planning mode to get her through. She’s sad today. I don’t really know why I’m writing this on here, I suppose it’s somewhere different from life where I won’t offend anyone.

So very sorry. Keep writing if you find it helpful. As you know, there's lots of us who have been where you are now and it's so hard.
For what it's worth, the way you talk about your Mum is so tender and lovely, You've obviously had such a special bond. Wishing you well for the difficult days ahead

What you feel is normal I remember feeling the same, it’s part of healing and the anger at life being so unjust. Grief is so odd, it’s unpredictable and comes in waves when you least expect it. I’m sorry for the loss of your lovely mum x

I'm so very sorry for your loss lovely, be kind to yourself xx

I remember some days I was so ’together’ and other days I barely moved from the house. People in general annoyed me because they dared to be alive. Some days you’re on autopilot and other days you crumble into a sobbing mess.

I’m wondering if you should have this moved to the bereavement board @Thby2023

That board helped me a lot to make sense of everything and to rant on my worst days.

There’s a big hole, I’m scared it will be forever there but scared it’ll go away
This is such a powerful and relatable sentence. So sorry for the loss of your Mum.

I'm so sorry, my mum died on the 8th of Novemeber last year at 65, three months after being diagnosed with cancer and what I can promise you is it does get a bit easier with time. The raw emotions fade a bit to become more manageable. You will likely be up and down. I also felt like I was living in limbo waiting to get past the funeral In the first couple of weeks I didn't do anything I didn't need to and just went with how I felt each day, if I felt like going a walk or getting out I did, if I felt like staying in all day in pyjamas, I did. Since then I've found it helps me personally to stay really busy. Bereavement counselling has also helped me. Sending you lots of love and strength.

I read something about how the hole will always be there, but our life continues and builds up in layers around it. I found this really comforting - the thought that no, I won't forget you mum. But also, my life will continue and build in different ways, and I won't always be able to feel the edge of the hole so jaggedly. I follow untangle grief on Instagram and find that they are very helpful in posting this kind of useful ways of thinking about things. Sending hugs.

Hi @Thby2023 …have only just seen your post. Am so sorry,Mums can never be replaced. Time will heal but for now just remember the memories with a smile and laughter…my lovely Mum would agree,sending love to you xx

I am so sorry. We lost my mum to cancer at 53. She never met my children. She didn't see any of our children beyond their 5th birthday. She left my dad a broken shell. He is very difficult to deal with now. It is just so cruel.

I am thinking of you and sending all of my best wishes.

Thank you everyone for sharing their stories with me it’s been weirdly comforting. My friend who I went through my pregnancy with lost her dad on the same day so it’s weird to share our grief but I’m glad (obviously not that he’s gone at all) but I have people around that understand and vice verse. I’m so sad we’re going through this but atleast we have each other.

My dad is acting weird and keeps telling the same story constantly which is hard because me and my sister (tbf my sister mostly) have to look after him when we are grieving too. But I get he’s just lost his soul mate so he’s devastated too. My son is just really quiet. My mum was his everything. If we went anywhere he always wanted my mum to come. We lived with her for four years, she is his second mum.

Everything is annoying me, I took two sleeping pills last night and I feel hungover today. Everyone keeps telling me how sorry they are and it’s annoying me but I’d be annoyed if they didn’t. My friends mum who I asked specifically to leave me alone sent me some long message about her mum also has cancer that’s terminal etc and I just want to say fuck off your mum is in her eighties and has months my mum didn’t even get that we aren’t the same. Which is awful cause I know how it feels to be scared of losing your mum but I’m in no way alright to take on anyone else’s emotions right now.

I should move this post to bereavement, I’m not sure how!

I keep texting my mum so she can read it over my shoulder

If you think it might help there is a book called 'Invisible String'. It was good for my children when my Mum died. Although I found it hard to read it to start with.

If it helps you write down all your thoughts on here or in a notepad. It will make you feel a little lighter.

I have friends who have lost their parents too and it is nice (not the best word) that you have people that totally get it. Keep those close.

Take care of yourself x

I won’t go in to details but have endured some very close bereavements.

It is brutally unfair especially when someone dies young.

All I know is that your Mum knows she is loved and has given love in return. It’s the greatest gift a human can give to another

OP, I’m so sorry to read your post.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been where you are - my mum died aged 61 from a brain tumour. I’d just had a baby and my mum was my best friend. It was just so unfair. All around me at the time were new mothers with their babies and grandmas clucking round but my mum was dead. And I was grief stricken with a baby. Mum held my baby just a couple of times and she never met my dd who was born four years after she passed.

That was twenty years ago. I’ve got DH who’s great but I miss mum and I still need her. But we’ve managed. My DS (baby when mum died) is at university now and DD is 16. They’re are lovely! Mum would have loved them so much. They know all about mum and how special she was. I have cried buckets for my mum over the years. I have tried to make her proud.

I have no words of wisdom really. I have been where you are though. Life is cruel. Grief is a tough road, it’s different for everyone. Just take one day at a time and be kind to yourself xx

So very sorry. I've been where you are and it is incredibly hard.
Be kind to yourself and focus on minute by minute xx