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Life-limiting illness

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Original poster

My mam is so sick and I'm so sad

83 replies

itsmakingmesosad · 15/08/2023 23:04

Name changed for this but I've been around here for years. I've debated starting this thread so many times just for somewhere to admit how I'm really feeling.
My poor mam has cancer. For the second time. They said they got it all the first time but it came back. She's only in her early 60's.
She's in hospital now, has been for weeks, no idea really what is going to happen. She looks so small and frail and it makes my heart hurt to see her suffering.
I'm so scared that she will die and we won't be there. The doctors aren't saying much except that she is very very unwell. My poor mam. I can't imagine what life will look like without her in it. I can't believe I have to think about that when she is so young.
I don't even know what the point of this thread is. I'm just so so sad.

OP posts:
Run4it2 · 29/08/2023 13:25

Hope you're doing ok

Original poster
itsmakingmesosad · 03/09/2023 22:59

We've had a rough couple of weeks. Mam
Is still in hospital, 6 weeks now, it's up and down all the time. Just when we think there's an improvement she deteriorated again, she's lost a lot of weight. She's a shadow of her former self.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsmakingmesosad · 03/09/2023 23:00

Thank you all for the lovely comments and all the love. I'm so grateful.

OP posts:
Run4it2 · 03/09/2023 23:09

Stay strong. Sending hugs

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/09/2023 22:04

Hugs and a handhold Flowers

EdithStourton · 04/09/2023 22:37

Just a virtual handhold from a stranger. I know how hard it is, especially when you are very close to your mum.

BattleofBeamfleot · 05/09/2023 14:52

Sending a lot of love. I know exactly what you mean about the shadow of her former self. It's so hard to watch and know that she won't wake up feeling better in the morning.

I woke this morning from a dream my mum was walking around her garden and laughing with my in-laws (they get on very well) and when I woke up, I was saddened because realistically she will never, ever do that again. Mum's GP is calling in the hospice team today for palliative care.

Thinking of you @itsmakingmesosad it's such a sad time.

Original poster
itsmakingmesosad · 05/09/2023 15:34

@EdithStourton @Run4it2 @MrJollyLivesNextDoor thank you all so much. And everyone else who has posted, honestly your kindness makes such a difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsmakingmesosad · 05/09/2023 15:39

Jmaho · 16/08/2023 13:48

My dad passed away from cancer less than a week ago so it's hard for me to put into words
He was only diagnosed in May and went very ill very quickly. So hard to see him lose so much weight and he was so so weak
I don't feel like we had any good times from when he was diagnosed as he felt so unwell and wasn't able to eat properly as had so much sickness
Since May it has just been a blur of hospital and then home for a few days then back in. We never managed to get him into a hospice
Leading up to his death he went really downhill 3 days before and wasn't eating at all and being really really sick. He was still drinking but slept so much. He had one really really bad and upsetting day two days before he died and we knew it was nearing the end so we all stayed with him overnight. Then next day he was really good awake and not being sick but we knew it was his rally. He then basically went to sleep for about 12 hours straight and we didn't even realise he had passed
They told us it wasn't going to happen so soon so we went home to shower etc and we missed it
It is unexplainably sad and we are overwhelmed with grief but have been grieving for months already
Don't know how we go forward but trying to take each day at a time. I feel like I have been through an immense trauma right now and will never be the same again
At the moment I'm just constantly playing moments over and over in my head
My only comfort is he must have known how much we loved him. We were all there with him and thankfully his actual final breaths were peaceful and calm
Wishing you lots of love and strength to deal with the time ahead. Feel free to message me anytime x

I must have missed this somehow. I am so sorry for your loss. It is terrifying how
Quickly they can go from everyday life to bed ridden and dying. You're reeling from the shock of the diagnosis and just living outside of yourself I think. And then suddenly it's all over but you still haven't absorbed how it can even be happening. Like how is this life now...

OP posts:
Original poster
itsmakingmesosad · 05/09/2023 15:42

BattleofBeamfleot · 05/09/2023 14:52

Sending a lot of love. I know exactly what you mean about the shadow of her former self. It's so hard to watch and know that she won't wake up feeling better in the morning.

I woke this morning from a dream my mum was walking around her garden and laughing with my in-laws (they get on very well) and when I woke up, I was saddened because realistically she will never, ever do that again. Mum's GP is calling in the hospice team today for palliative care.

Thinking of you @itsmakingmesosad it's such a sad time.

Your poor mum... are you able to be with her? I've been visiting as much a possible but there are so many covid cases that they are restricting visiting now for a while. And now I'm terrified she will get covid. She is just not strong enough to fight it.
I hope you have lots of support IRL. This thread is making me feel so much less alone. Everyone here understands.

OP posts:
Brenna24 · 05/09/2023 16:15

A big hug and a handhold from me. My dad died at just 68 from an autoimmune liver condition that caused cirrhosis and then liver cancer. He went from well and busy renovating a house and mixing cement etc to dead in 6 month. I was living abroad at the time and the first inkling I had at how bad he was was when they came to visit me 3 months after they found out his liver was failing. He was so frail and ill and barely managed any of the things we had planned. I was so hard to take in. I never saw him in the flesh again although I phoned him regularly at home and then in hospital. I kept telling mum that I would quit my job/take leave and come over to help her but she kept saying to leave it u til she needed it. That time never came because they found the cancer, took him off the transplant list and told us he probably had a few months and he died 2 weeks after that. I know how you feel about her being far too young and it all happening too quickly. I was irrationally angry with a lot of people, including my dad (although I hid it from him well). Hugs from me.

Jmaho · 05/09/2023 21:42

@itsmakingmesosad it's just awful. Like a bomb is dropped on your world one day and nothing will ever be the same again. Its the speed that's the shock. An out of the blue diagnosis then weeks of hell then the thing you'd feared most happens. Then the worry is gone but then so is the hope. I honestly didn't think it would be this hard. Just can't get over how quickly life can change. Hoping that time will help heal the pain
Sending you lots of strength to get through it. I am finding this board really helpful. It helps just knowing that there are people like me going through or having gone through it. I'm lucky that I'd never experienced loss before. We all expect to lose our parents but not in horrible circumstances with a stressful and painful build up

Original poster
itsmakingmesosad · 05/09/2023 21:48

@Jmaho that's exactly what it feels like. I honestly can't believe it sometimes, and other times I'm so overwhelmed at the whole thing that I can barely function. I feel so useless, I just want to fix it all and I can't.
I know exactly what you mean, we all expect to lose our parents but we have no idea how awful the build up to it can be, people keep telling me that she will get better, she can beat it, she's a fighter, the truth is she won't, she can't and it's not a fight with any sort of reasonable odds. It helps so much to say it all here though, helps me not to explode at the terribly well meant positivity... I'm glad it's helping you too.

OP posts:
vipersnest1 · 05/09/2023 23:05

@itsmakingmesosad, I wrote a whole long reply and then lost it.
I won't try to rewrite it here, but will tell you the one thing that is the most important.
You said you wanted to fix what's happening to your mum and I totally understand that.
As a person who has spent their whole life trying to fix things myself, allow yourself to think about what will happen if you don't do anything (this is something I learnt when speaking to a counsellor when going through a very difficult time myself).
Slightly weird I know, but it might allow you to take the pressure from yourself, because at this point, there isn't anything you can realistically do, as you said, except visit when you can, whilst living your life and looking after yourself too - I'm certain your Mum would want that for you.
I really hope you don't take this as a criticism, but a supportive comment.
I have every sympathy for you, having lost my mum a few months back. (My Mum was very unwell. Even though others could see that she was on the path to death, I couldn't. It was a very unwelcome shock to me when she told me, and I realised, that she was going to die.)
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Flowers

Original poster
itsmakingmesosad · 06/09/2023 07:53

@vipersnest1 Thank you, that was a really thoughtful and kind message. You make a really good point.
I've been so intent on fixing something for her that now I'm just running around like a headless chicken doing too much and I'm exhausted.
I have started to pull back a bit and just do what I can easily fit in to my own life. I won't lie, I am fearful of what is yet to come, I dread the day they tell us that there's no more treatment and I know it's coming. I'm so scared to lose her but I do realise that nothing I do will prevent that and I have just come to the realisation that burning myself out now won't help at all.
I am so sorry for your loss and for all you have been through with your mum and I really appreciate your message and definitely don't read it as criticism.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsmakingmesosad · 15/10/2023 10:40

My lovely mam passed away this week. It was quite sudden. No warning that the end was near. I miss her so much already.

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 15/10/2023 10:55

Gosh, that's rough.
So sorry for you, OP. 💐💐💐💐

EdithStourton · 15/10/2023 10:57

I'm so sorry.

You will come out the other side of this. It will take time and don't be afraid to grieve. My own DM also died in her early 60s and she used to say about grief that you don't get over it, you get used to it. It does dull with time, but sometimes it will still whack you round the head even decades later.

readbooksdrinktea · 15/10/2023 11:27

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 15/10/2023 12:00

I am so sorry, it is such a hard loss to bear.

Crikeyalmighty · 15/10/2023 12:13

@itsmakingmesosad I'm so sorry - x

LuluBlakey1 · 15/10/2023 12:39

I am so sorry to read this. You clearly have a wonderful, close, loving relationship with your mam and it's been an awful time for you all. Your love for her shines through in every one of your posts.

My mam died in her sleep, peacefully and quite unexpectedly (not totally but we hadn't expected it to be then) after several weeks of chronic, terminal, heart disease in hospital. Much as I loved her to bits and still think of her and miss her every single day day 9 years later, I am glad she died so peacefully and stopped suffering. She was my best friend too and loved me unconditionally. There is no one like your mam, ever, and, like you, I was lucky to have a fantastic mam.

Although you'll miss her always, you will cope- you'll have to. And you will take with you in life all of the love she gave you, all of the lovely memories you have of your life with her, you'll remember her every day and remember things that make you laugh and smile. It takes time but that time really does take the rawness of it away. She'll always be part of you- you carry 50% of her DNA and she helped you become who you are. You sound like you were a lovely daughter to her and I bet she loved you to bits and was really proud of you.
💐

BattleofBeamfleot · 15/10/2023 15:02

I am so sorry to hear this OP, I've been thinking of you a lot over the last few weeks as your post struck such a chord with me, and especially was thinking of you when my mum also passed away a few days ago.

Even though I'm completely wiped out and deeply upset from the trauma of the last week (as I'm sure you are too), I feel like my missing her hasn't even kicked in yet because we were only chatting last week!

Sadly for us it was not sudden enough in the end, and all of us waiting for her to die over the last two weeks of her life was absolutely agonising. She'd whisper "I can't believe I'm still here" each morning and ask how long more she had left. It is and was just brutal. I am glad she's not suffering, and thankful that she died peacefully while I sat beside her, and that we had the opportunity to say goodbye, but it was so, so hard. I don't think there's ever an easy way to lose a loved one.

BattleofBeamfleot · 15/10/2023 15:02

Thank you @LuluBlakey1 for taking the time to type those lovely words - I hope OP finds it comforting as it is really helping me too today.

LuluBlakey1 · 15/10/2023 21:41

BattleofBeamfleot · 15/10/2023 15:02

Thank you @LuluBlakey1 for taking the time to type those lovely words - I hope OP finds it comforting as it is really helping me too today.

Edited

I'm so sorry to read your mum has died too. It's such a painful time when it happens. If anything I wrote helps you even a tiny bit, I am glad for that. I wouldn't wish the experience on anyone.

My mam was a funny, full-of-life, resilient little character who was a 'life-liver' and enjoyed everything she did. My only regret is that she and my dad never met my 3DC. They loved children and would have been wonderful grandparents. I sometimes think if I could just have one more day with them and their lovely little dog. They could see where DH and I live now, get to know our 3 DC, we could go for a walk by the sea, play with the DC on the beach, have fish and chips and then spend the afternoon in the garden with the children playing. We could catch up everything that's happened and they could see how happy DH and I are (my dad never met him). I'd make their favourites for tea and it would just be so wonderful to have that day. But of course, that's what loss does, it steals that shared future and those memories you make.

I do think it's true that you carry your parents with you. I see them in me every day and find that comforting. I still get upset now, years after their deaths, at the thought of not seeing them again.
But you miss them so much because you love them so much and that in itself shows how lucky you/we are to have had parents we had that relationship with.
💐for you too @BattleofBeamfleot at this really tough time.