My mam is so sick and I'm so sad

[itsmakingmesosad]

Name changed for this but I've been around here for years. I've debated starting this thread so many times just for somewhere to admit how I'm really feeling.
My poor mam has cancer. For the second time. They said they got it all the first time but it came back. She's only in her early 60's.
She's in hospital now, has been for weeks, no idea really what is going to happen. She looks so small and frail and it makes my heart hurt to see her suffering.
I'm so scared that she will die and we won't be there. The doctors aren't saying much except that she is very very unwell. My poor mam. I can't imagine what life will look like without her in it. I can't believe I have to think about that when she is so young.
I don't even know what the point of this thread is. I'm just so so sad.

@HorsePlatitudes I really appreciate you sharing all of that with me. You've actually made me feel a bit better, I am a naturally positive person, I can see the humour in pretty much everything and don't struggle with my mental health thankfully.
I feel like all of this things you have done would work for me too, a little distraction and keeping myself busy.
I'm just so afraid that I will be too crushed by the sadness of the last few months and the gaping hole in my life that my mam currently fills. But I will be ok. I'll have to be. Thanks so much again to everyone who has replied to me. It's easier to get it all out here than to try and discuss it IRL. Im so grateful to you all.

My dad passed away from cancer less than a week ago so it's hard for me to put into words
He was only diagnosed in May and went very ill very quickly. So hard to see him lose so much weight and he was so so weak
I don't feel like we had any good times from when he was diagnosed as he felt so unwell and wasn't able to eat properly as had so much sickness
Since May it has just been a blur of hospital and then home for a few days then back in. We never managed to get him into a hospice
Leading up to his death he went really downhill 3 days before and wasn't eating at all and being really really sick. He was still drinking but slept so much. He had one really really bad and upsetting day two days before he died and we knew it was nearing the end so we all stayed with him overnight. Then next day he was really good awake and not being sick but we knew it was his rally. He then basically went to sleep for about 12 hours straight and we didn't even realise he had passed
They told us it wasn't going to happen so soon so we went home to shower etc and we missed it
It is unexplainably sad and we are overwhelmed with grief but have been grieving for months already
Don't know how we go forward but trying to take each day at a time. I feel like I have been through an immense trauma right now and will never be the same again
At the moment I'm just constantly playing moments over and over in my head
My only comfort is he must have known how much we loved him. We were all there with him and thankfully his actual final breaths were peaceful and calm
Wishing you lots of love and strength to deal with the time ahead. Feel free to message me anytime x

I am so sorry, I lost DH to cholangiocarcinoma 18 months ago, it is an awful, awful disease. I am at the end of a PM if it helps to talk about it.

@Jmaho I am so very sorry for your loss. It all sounds so traumatic and is exactly what I fear. Not being there, just missing her final moments and the magnitude of the grief that is to come. I am so sorry for you and I hope you have great support at home.x

@Ratfinkstinkypink I'm sorry for your loss too.x

I'm so sorry - it's very tough. I lost my sister recently. It was very hard, but it helped that we had 10 days notice that she was unlikely to make it - it broke my heart but allowed me to adjust. Just take it one day at a time and be grateful that you're able to be with her

I don’t have an answer as to how you carry on without them- but you do.

My relationship with my mum was very similar to yours, and I lost her six years ago; it was brutal. The irony of needing her more than you ever did when she’s not there is very strange.

It’s hard, it’s tough- but you are about to find out how amazingly strong you are. That doesn’t mean you’re going to be fine straight away, you will be a complete mess, and that’s how it should be; the reality of grief. When you love someone so deeply that you’re not sure where they end and you begin, grieving them is messy and raw and painful and -in parts- beautiful. It takes time.

For me, the strength was in putting one foot in front of the other and just keeping going. Six years on, the ache is manageable, I don’t cry at adverts or want to punch old ladies because they lived to an age my mum didn’t, and I can be happy. I feel as if the grief has made me more human, and more able to understand what so many people are going through every day.

I would say just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other now. There is nothing you can do to prepare for grief, so don’t bother. You will do it and you will look back and be so proud of yourself.

Sending love to you and your mum 💜

@Usernamenotavailabletryanother
oh yes, about punching old ladies! I actually couldn’t go into Tescos for months,
because I’d come out a seething wreck. and I totally forgot about that until I read your post. Grief is such an intense experience.

@itsmakingmesosad There is a podcast called Griefcast which I found very helpful. I listened to one every day and it really helped me feel less alone. I marvelled at people who were able to even talk about their loved ones deaths and yet here I am a few months later able to write about my mum’s.
.

Thanks so much. She has had a rough couple of days and it is hard to know what to expect really. She is in good form today. It feels like a rollercoaster. One minute I'm trying to imagine my life when she's not here anymore, the next I'm fully convinced she'll be here for years yet. But she won't.
Every single time I come back to the horrible thought that I'm going to lose her. I'll have to say goodbye and I'll have to find a way to live without her.

I’ve lost a parent this year to cancer too. Also in their early 60’s and it’s so incredibly unfair. I’m currently pissed off with others for reaching an older age than my parent did so it’s interesting to see that others went through that too. Mine didn’t even get to see their state pension or private pension even when spending years working hard and putting money aside for their retirement.

OP you asked about signs they were near the end. The consultants will tell you when she is getting very ill and will make it clear that the end is coming. Not eating is the first sign and then not drinking and then sleeping a lot. There’s probably other signs but those are the ones I noticed.

Oh OP this really spoke to me. I'm in the same position as you - my mam is in her 60s and deteriorating so quickly (pancreatic stage 4). A few short months ago she was flying over to the UK to visit me; and now she can't leave the house or even manage the stairs at home. Her oncology team haven't even really bothered with chemo; she's been too sick on it. She's so thin and frail now, it breaks my heart to see and I'm heartbroken thinking of all she'll miss. It's so desperately sad.

@BattleofBeamfleot I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. It's terrifying how quickly they go downhill
I worked out that it was 12 weeks to the day that my dad was first admitted into hospital to when he died
They didn't know where his cancer had originated from but it had spread to his liver. They said upper GI somewhere
He had no pain really but just felt so sick and was constantly sick and he just couldn't eat and lost so much weight so quickly. He didn't get a chance to have chemo as his bloods were just too erratic they couldn't risk it
He initially went to his GP only as he felr so exhausted in the space of a week
His GP rang him from home after some blood tests to tell him to get to hospital initially as his blood levels were so low but he was mowing the lawn at the time perfectly well aside from feeling very tired
It's shocking how he deteriorated from that point on. I felt like we didn't get any good times from then on in as he wasn't well enough and this is what I'm really struggling with
It's a hateful disease. I can't believe that only about 4 months ago everything was normal and fine and now we are arranging his funeral. Its sad beyond words

@Jmaho I'm so sorry to hear about your dad - that's mum exactly. She hasn't had much pain (only intermittently) but she's nauseous all the time and struggles to eat. They found the secondaries in her liver first and it's taken a good while longer for the primary to be diagnosed as pancreatic - they weren't sure where it was. I've heard her say so often "I don't mind dying but it's no life being this sick all the time".

For Christmas I'd gifted my parents a night away with dinner in their favourite hotel, and they could never go. They booked it as soon as they realised time was running out but then my mum had a 24-hour fasting scan booked in for the following day 3 hours away from the hotel so they had to cancel. Now they will never go.

It's all the last opportunities gone before we realised that's so heartbreaking. I suppose it is for everyone. The grandchild on the way she'll never meet. The last chance to see her siblings, now just out of reach through mutual ill health and a too-long drive. The memories dad will be left with on his own.

Thank you for your kind words; this and @itsmakingmesosad 's post are making me feel less alone.

@RainCloudsInTheSky I'm so sorry for your loss. I kind of get what you mean about being mad at people for reaching older ages. I have friends with parents 20 years older than mine and I am irrationally pissed that they are still in good health.
Thank you for your second post too, it's helpful to know.

@BattleofBeamfleot I'm so sorry you are in the same situation. It's such a struggle to take it all in, isn't it? I'm not sure mam will ever get to finish her chemo either, she has just been so so sick, one thing after another. The hits just keep on coming.

@itsmakingmesosad, all you can do now is try to keep going, but remembering to look after yourself at the same time - you won't be able to be there for your mum if you're worn to a shred, so make sure you have some time to sleep, have a bath, read a bit, whatever.
It's so difficult, I know.

I'm so sorry, I'm going through the same with my mum at the moment and I just break down in tears. I lost my dad to cancer too in his early 60s, that was bad enough but this feels so much worse, we are so close x

@vipersnest1 thank you. I am trying to give myself some time to just do nothing. I have an awful habit of trying to do everything all the time and it is exhausting at the moment.

@starlight2023 I'm so sorry. Virtual handhold here for you. It's so hard. I know exactly how you feel. Mam is my best friend. What on earth the world will feel like when she's not here anymore... I can't even contemplate.

I can imagine, and I know it's exhausting.

So so sorry, I can't imagine what you are going through. I am so close to my Mam and just thought of anything happening to her brings me to tears. Sorry, I have no advice but sending hugs xxx

Oh OP, sending 💐 to you.

I'm in a very similar boat, mid-60s mum, my best friend in the world, S4 cancer. Currently pregnant with my first child and I've never needed her more. Only child so everything falls to me, and it is so, so hard.

I'm sending you lots of love.

I am so, so sorry for what you're going through.

I lost both my parents last year, but they were in their early 90s. But the loss is unimaginable - nothing really can prepare you.

I knew so many mums at my DCs junior school who lost mums young and it's only now that I can really appreciate the pain they must have gone though.

Be there for your lovely mum, hold her hand and tell her how much you love her. She may well pull through, but if she doesn't she'll go knowing you loved her. That was a huge help for us.

Sending you a hand hold.