My mam is so sick and I'm so sad

[itsmakingmesosad]

Name changed for this but I've been around here for years. I've debated starting this thread so many times just for somewhere to admit how I'm really feeling.
My poor mam has cancer. For the second time. They said they got it all the first time but it came back. She's only in her early 60's.
She's in hospital now, has been for weeks, no idea really what is going to happen. She looks so small and frail and it makes my heart hurt to see her suffering.
I'm so scared that she will die and we won't be there. The doctors aren't saying much except that she is very very unwell. My poor mam. I can't imagine what life will look like without her in it. I can't believe I have to think about that when she is so young.
I don't even know what the point of this thread is. I'm just so so sad.

Hugs to you

I am so sorry. It is just so unbearable to see someone you love suffering. I am thinking of you and your mam and sending love.

Thank you both. My Dh is the kindest most supportive man but I just cry every time we talk about it, I find it hard to cry in front of anyone but him.
I don't know how to answer when people ask how she is and I feel like I almost sound like I'm not that bothered when I reply but in reality I'm trying not to cry. It's not fair.

Sending love to you and your lovely Mam. Sending her wishes for her comfort in these difficult times . You have obviously been very fortunate to have had such a close bond .

So sorry to read this

We have a lovely relationship, she's always there, we talk ten times a day on the phone and I live ten minutes away from my parents house now. I have been very lucky. It just still feels too soon.

Can you push the doctors a bit more, if you want to know the actual prognosis and how long you've got. Maybe you just need to go with taking each day as it comes t maybe you could arrange some nice treats that she could manage and take some photos etc. Lots of love, a tough time xx

I followed the Pamela threads so closely, I actually messaged her privately and bless her she replied to me. My mam has the same cancer. When I read that Pamela had passed away I cried all day, and I think it made me realise that that's exactly what's ahead for us.

Your pain is tangible. Made me tear up.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your family.

@chosenone I'm going to see her oncologist next week. When we asked the nurse she just kept repeating your mam is very, very unwell. Hopefully he will give us more clarity. I'm so afraid she'll just slip away. The hospital is 40 minutes away.

Oh, bless you, @itsmakingmesosad.
I can only speak to you from my own situation- this was me back in January. My DM became ill (very frail and had emphysema already).
It's the worst thing.
As for how you answer other people, just echo what the doctor said - that she is very unwell /she's not doing well?
I'm so sorry for you, but also want you to know something (sorry). Some people need to be told it's ok to go when they're ready. For some, it's being alone, for others it's when everyone around them is peaceful, and even then they might carry on longer than you think they will.
My DDad passed away literally at the moment we arrived after going home for the night, and my DMum waited for a moment when we we all calm and quiet.
No-one can predict it, but I'm certain that the time is of their choosing.
Maybe that's your mum's choice.
The only thing you can do is be there when you can, and staying in touch with the hospital.

Hugs to you x my mam too is very unwell with cancer plus other severe health problems. She lives a 2 minute drive from me and my family. I know it's very very hard to see the decline in people you love- how they become frail and vulnerable after being full of zest for life. She nursed my dad through cancer - he died in his early 60's - way too soon but at home where he wanted to be at the end. She is at home at the moment and doing well despite a lot of hospital appointments for her treatment.
Look after yourself and try and be strong for her. If she is still able take her treats in - nice food/books/magazines. Things like hand cream or moisturiser. Make sure you eat well yourself and stay hydrated.
Just hold her hand and chat to her even if she can't hear you - when my dad was on his way out we sat around his bed and chatted to him and each other- he couldn't respond but he knew we were there x

@vipersnest1 thank you, I really appreciate your kindness. I feel like mam would probably like to slip away by herself. We've touched on it but are trying not to say much to her in case she gives up altogether if she thinks we have written her off. That probably doesn't make sense at all. How can this be what life is for us now. Fuck

The love you have for your mum shines through what you write.
I hope that you are able to get the answers you are looking for.

@itsmakingmesosad,.

@mrsfollowill thank you, big hugs to you too. I'm sorry you are in the same situation, I hope your mam is as comfortable as she can be. I think it's the frailty that makes it so awful. She can't shower or walk anywhere alone, she is still weak. And just a few weeks ago she was shopping and cooking and living..thank you for the advice. It is so helpful l, I honestly don't know what to do for her. I'll be thinking of you and your mam.x

Have you thought about getting your mum home? Does your mum want to be at home? If that is the case then speak up and ask for help to make that work. Help from carers 4x a day, equipment for home so your mum is comfortable as can be.

@MikeRafone it's not possible for her to come home at the moment which absolutely breaks my heart, they are trying to drain fluid and that has to be monitored and changed etc. but absolutely if she gets anxious to go home we will do whatever is necessary to get her there.
She always wanted to be at home every other time she was hospitalised but hasn't asked once this time and that almost makes it worse. Like she's resigned herself to not getting there.
I wish she was at home. I just want my mam to be well and at home. She doesn't deserve this.

@itsmakingmesosad itsmakingmesosad. Please ask the questions when you see the oncologist.

it maybe your mum doesn’t want to be a burden?

your mum doesn’t deserve this and neither do you

So sorry OP, I lost my mum at Christmas. It’s an awful bruising thing to endure. ❤️

@MikeRafone I will absolutely ask. I'm trying to put a list together of everything we need to ask but I'm really struggling with it. Every time I try to start it I get this overwhelming sadness and end up crying and the list gets forgotten again, and I'm so afraid that I won't be able to talk to him because the moment I mention her name the tears come. Jesus, how is this my life

@HorsePlatitudes I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you are coping as well as you can be and have lots of support at home.. the world without the woman who brought you into it seems impossible to contemplate. How are we supposed to just carry on without them?

Ahhh I'm so sorry for you and your DM.
I lost my DM last year to cancer, I moved in with her for the last few months and when she passed I wasn't there, the guilt has eaten me alive, I thought she had longer but on reflection it was obvious the end was near, I think I was kidding myself, didn't want to face the inevitable.
Brace yourself op, it's going to be one of the worst things you ever face.
Take this time to tell your DM how much you love her, all the things good things, reminisce about your childhood.
All the things I wish I'd said to my dm and regret not saying.
Is there anyway to get her home?
I was lucky because I could wfh and my manager cut me some serious slack.
We took DM out of hospital the day after a major pointless operation, the hospital didn't want us to but we overruled them, DM hated hospitals and was much happier when we got her home, I know this isn't possible for everyone.
I'm thinking about you 💕

You do, you just do cope. And you get used to it. Initially I felt mainly shock and relief and realised I’d been grieving while she was sick (she was only sick 3 months so all b sudden). My mum and I were the best of friends and she died far too young, but I’m surprised how 9 months on, I am basically ok. I’ve been blessed with good mental health and am a positive person anyway which has helped and I know everybody is different.

I won’t lie, it’s been absolutely awful especially the first 2-4 months but I’ve been really proactive in trying to stay balanced because I was so frightened I’d fall apart. Started yoga and Pilates, stopped drinking and eating rubbish, Started a grief journal which has been beyond useful. much time outside and in nature and when I can manage it, having a laugh with friends. If I can’t manage something I don’t force myself.

I get a couple of days a month where I can’t get off the sofa so I sit and watch movies and my husband does everything domestically.

if I wake up and feel ok (most of the time now) I absolutely run with it. You end up so grateful for every day that’s not derailed by grief. one step at a time. You will get through this. It’s a universal pain that humans have endured since the start of time and you’re not alone. But you will survive it. ❤️

@Campervangirl Thank you so much, I think I will talk to my dad and siblings and see what they think and maybe we should push to get her home. It's awful being stuck in hospital and having visiting times to stick to, although I have to admit they are very flexible with it.
Could I ask(if it's not too upsetting for you to share and if it is I'm sorry and please ignore me) what kind of things did you realise after were signs the end was near?
We have had some lovely conversations, and I am her go to for everything that worries her and also everything that entertains her and thankfully I think most things have been said, she tells me every day that she loves me, and I tell her too, she has asked me to do some specific things for her when the time comes and is happy that I will.
She is so positive and determined to get better, and I always feel reassured to hear her say that, like I believe there's no possibility of her dying, But I am so worried that by believing her and convincing myself that this is just a minor setback I will miss being there when the end comes, because I'm so desperate for it not to.

Jesus I'm rambling, I don't think that even makes sense.