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Life-limiting illness

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Original poster

My son went to heaven

49 replies

LeeLeesmum1 · 24/07/2023 19:42

My beautiful son passed away January this year , my heart is so broken .
I handed my notice in at work and finished on the 18/12/22 , this was due to the caring responsibilities at home and my sons disability & illnesses progressing. My son took unwell that day and ended up back intensive care . He had his 18th birthday in there and passed away a few days later . Even tho he was disabled and had always known he would be life limited it all happened so fast and I still to this day cannot get my head around it . My husband has suffered severe anxiety and depression for years now and has now basically confided himself to the house , we have another 2 kids my youngest being 7 oldest 19 . I'm trying my hardest to work keep myself together keep them together and to be honest I can't do it anymore no 1 helps me no one cares how losing my son has affected me I'm just expected to keep going . I done a dog grooming qualification in April I honestly don't know how I got thru it but I did now I'm trying to build up something and again have had no help from anyone. We have no money my husband can't work my daughter doesn't live here we're getting 500 a month uc and that doesn't even cover the bills . I'm at breaking point i feel like getting in the car and never coming back 💔💔💔💔

OP posts:

CopperSeahorses · 24/07/2023 19:45

I am so sorry for your loss, have you had any grief counselling at all?

PrincessTigger · 24/07/2023 19:52

I’m so sorry OP ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Is there anyone you can talk to at all? Samaritans is good - 116 123 (they’re for if you just want a friendly ear to talk to about what you’re going through)

Well done for your qualification xx

Plankingplanks · 24/07/2023 19:52

Oh my goodness. My heart goes out to you. I don't really have much advice, mostly I think that the only thing that helps is time, which is awful but also only true in a bit of the way. My sister says that her grief has changed 2 years on, not got less but maybe less raw.

Would it help to tell a bit about him?

Original poster

LeeLeesmum1 · 24/07/2023 20:09

Thanks everyone.
I'm awaiting counciling but they don't have a worker for our area atm.
My boy contracted influenza A and went in to respiratory arrest it was all so quick he was happy and smiling that morning & on life support fully ventilated by 10pm that night , he fought so so hard but his lungs just gave up he'd been through so much in his wee life I just can't believe he's gone x

OP posts:

Dashel · 24/07/2023 20:18

I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain you must be in.

Can you get your DH to the doctors?

I don’t have much experience to help but have you tried finding a support group so you can talk to people who do understand? There seem to be a few online such as

https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/find-support/

https://slowgroup.co.uk/support-groups/#:~:text=SLOW%20welcomes%20all%20bereaved%20parents,alone%2C%20or%20as%20a%20couple.

Support groups for bereaved parents - SLOW - Surviving the Loss of Your World

SLOW offers support groups for bereaved parents across London, run by trained bereaved parent facilitators with first-hand experience of the devastation of losing a child.

https://slowgroup.co.uk/support-groups/#:~:text=SLOW%20welcomes%20all%20bereaved%20parents,alone%2C%20or%20as%20a%20couple.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/07/2023 20:19

So sorry. 💐💐💐

Smileyoriley · 24/07/2023 20:21

I'm so sorry Leesmum.
This is all still very raw and you can't be expected to deal with it alone. Have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling? There will be support out there while you wait for counselling and maybe grants to help financially until you get your dog grooming business going. Are you in touch with any charities such as bereavement charities or those that work with the condition your son had as they often have advisors and support groups.

MansfieldLark · 24/07/2023 20:23

So sorry, if your husband can't work, is he eligible for PIP?

waltzingparrot · 24/07/2023 20:26

OP I'm so sorry for your loss of your beautiful boy and hope that you get the counselling you need very soon. It is amazing that you found the strength to retrain at this time. Does it allow you to run your own business from home and can you foresee a time when DH may be able to help you run it? Admin, or also training in same field.

EmmyToo · 24/07/2023 20:27

I’m so sorry OP. We’re here if you want to talk about him, or what you’re feeling. There will always be people here who will read what you have to say. You’re allowed to grieve. You have to let yourself fall apart a bit to come back from it.

Well done on your qualification, that’s really impressive to hear you did that under the circumstances. Dogs are probably pretty good company I reckon! They’re pretty supportive little things.

BlushBlue · 24/07/2023 20:32

So sorry

BlushBlue · 24/07/2023 20:33

I'm sorry, that was meant to be a bunch of flowers, not a football

MillWood85 · 24/07/2023 20:33

I lost my Dad in January, and I'm still so far from normal that I don't know where I am. Give yourself time, it's very early days still. I had fairly immediate counselling from the hospice Dad was in, but I'm still floundering - I'm not sure it's the answer that everyone thinks it is. But that's just me.

I would also persuade your DH to get help. You certainly can't prop him up when you're not at full strength yourself. Are there any family members who would take some responsibility for him so that you don't have to?

GillianMcQueef · 24/07/2023 20:54

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

From your username, am I right in thinking your son was called Lee? I'd love to hear more about him, if you'd like to talk about him. What were his favourite things to do? Did he have a favourite place, or band, or sports team?

nopuppiesallowed · 24/07/2023 21:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is so lonely - and a thousand times worse if you lose a child. You are also dealing with a depressed husband, little money and two children who will also be grieving and needing your support.. No wonder you are drowning. You must be totally exhausted. But think on this - you were strong enough to cope with your husband's illness, your 7 year old and your 19 year old when your loved but disabled son was alive - and you did that dog grooming course at the same time! You are an amazingly strong and capable woman. So, give yourself time to recover your strength then go to the Citizens Advice Bureau. They will tell you what grants are available to help you set up your own dog grooming business. And also see if there is a branch of CAB near you. It's short for 'Christians against Poverty'. You don't have to go to church or be a Christian to access their help and there is no pressure to do so, but they are wonderfully helpful and knowledgeable.
There is help out there! And so many of us will be thinking and praying for you. God bless you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/07/2023 21:01

So sorry for your loss you've been through so much. While you're waiting counselling please call a bereavement helpline or the samaritans. Having suicidal thoughts is really worrying and the Samaritan's are the ideal trained people to talk those thoughts and your other thoughts through with xxx

Mayhem3 · 24/07/2023 21:04

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Your DH needs to apply for PIP for depressed and anxiety.
He needs to go to the doctor to get help and have a record of it.

Can you get an out of hours cleaning job or you could work in an area that will help others going through the same thing as you have with your son.

You could even go back to university which is more flexible and if you’re having a particularly bad day you can have the day off without needing to explain yourself.

Antiopa12 · 24/07/2023 21:21

Your beautiful boy was well loved OP, I am so sorry that he is no longer with you. I hope in time you will be able to focus on the happy times you shared together . Did you have contact with the local children’s hospice? They may have a bereavement counsellor on the staff for which you may not have to wait? Give them a phone call or ask for a referral from your community nurse or your child’s social worker. They may also have a bereaved mothers group which meets from time to time. You have a lot on your plate especially as you are still a Carer if your husband is unwell. He needs to get professional help. You are a very strong woman to have coped so far with raising your children in very difficult circumstances.

MNHQ

HebeMumsnet · 24/07/2023 21:23

Hello @LeeLeesmum1 . We're so sorry to hear about the loss of your wonderful son. We know there's not much anyone can do to take away the rawness of that pain but in case it's of any help, this website looks quite useful and has lots of links to other organisations that offer help and support. https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/i-have-lost-a/child/ It looks like other posters have been able to offer lots more support and advice so we hope that's been useful too.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 24/07/2023 21:35

I'm so sorry that your son died. I have no idea how difficult that is.

A close friend of mine's son died when he was young. One of the most things she found helpful with her grief was a support group for breaved parents- she felt that they were the only people who could understand her and the only people she could relate to for a long time. She found it much more helpful than talking to her friends, family or even her counsellor.

She also felt like no one cared. A lot of people do but a lot of people are really shit at knowing what to do or what to say so they stay away unfortunately.

I know it's different for everyone but just a thought, it might go some small way towards helping.

If you want to talk about your son here, I'm sure there are a lot of posters willing to listen.

Original poster

LeeLeesmum1 · 24/07/2023 21:35

Thank
You so much everyone for your kind words . I'm in contact with the children's hospice but at present there is nothing they can offer as their services are stretched . My husband has been to see gp seen occupational therapy now awaiting psychiatric support . Hoping that they can offer some sort of help as this has been getting worse over the last few years and especially now , we don't have much family support around us and I feel as if all the friends I had now avoid me became they don't know what to say . Thank you so much for the useful links as well I will look at them later . My baby was Liam we called him li-li or bestboy 💙 I had him when I was just 19 . Doctors thought he had Edward syndrome but a chromosome count showed he hadn't , he had multiple congenital abnormalities brain damage epilepsy scoliosis chronic lung disease and latterly respiratory failure. He went through over 100 operations in his life but always always had a smile for him mummy . Liam reminded undiagnosed his whole life he was my little miracle baby and it's a massive change not having him here to care for 24/7 even in a world of badness and pain he always seen the bright side was always happy, I just miss him so much xx

OP posts:

Brk · 24/07/2023 21:39

I’m so very sorry.

Lwrenagain · 24/07/2023 21:46

You sound like the most amazing mum to your beautiful children.
There are no words to express how sorry I am to read all Liam went through, and how devastating it is he is no longer here. But you know how much love you had for one another was the most incredible thing ever and even though you have the rest of your life to live without him physically here, he is never not with you. He is no longer suffering, he will be cheering you on to get through this and with every fibre, I hope you find peace until you're reunited in heaven.
When our loved ones leave us, often all we can do is dream beautiful dreams of them in alternative worlds, being free and happy and console ourselves knowing how loved they've been and will continue to be by us.
You will get through this, because really you don't have a choice and it will hurt you always, but there is such beauty in the love you and Liam shared, that all the pain you feel, remember he felt that as your love, but tenfold.

You are an absolute wonder of a person to do all you have done and I just would love to give you a big hug.

You are brave and beautiful and Liam for all the bad things he went through, was blessed to have you as his mam ❤❤❤

Antiopa12 · 24/07/2023 21:48

No wonder he was your Bestboy.! He went through such a lot and still had a smile for his Mum. He knew he was loved . Your Liam would have made such an impression on all those he came into contact with.

PoshPineapple · 24/07/2023 21:48

I'm so very sorry.

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