Hi everyone. We had a nice evening last night, we played Cluedo and watched Gogglebox. It’s funny how just doing normal things is a comfort. My concentration is poor but I’m trying very hard to be present and to still laugh at small things. My mum couldn’t get the hang of cluedo at all and we all ended up having a real laugh about it.
I got Dexamethasone yesterday for inflammation and it has helped some with the back pain and has given me more appetite. Im feeling nauseous now though and that’s quite tough, my arms and legs feel really shaky too. The waiting for the outcome to the MDT meeting is honest to God torture.
My husband is the most amazing man on earth, I could never have a greater comfort than him. I didn’t have a great night, I am suffering from horrendous night sweats and don’t seem to be able to sleep for very long, maybe 4 hours total in small bursts. The night sweats only came on about a week ago, the speed of it scares me.
I keep thinking that I can’t believe I waited this long thinking it was just back pain and gastritis, I even thought it was my high waisted jeans being too tight. I regret so much not catching this sooner. I am going round and circles with regret here and not having investigations done sooner. I need to stop the self torture of regret as it’s eating me up. Trying to stay present.
Today we are going to try to go to the beach again, it’s only 20 minutes by car.
I am trying to stay off my phone. I keep searching up diets and alternative therapies I can do that may help. I don’t know whether to do Keto or plant based, but I don’t want to lose weight any faster, eating is a real chore enough. I’ve even looked at getting medical cannabis, but it all feels like clutching at straws. There are other things that people talk about, lots of Facebook groups touting cures, but I feel like I’m just going round in circles and wasting precious time I could be with family.
My son is coping, he is talking and cuddling me. He is clearly beside himself, but he has support. His friends and their parents are being wonderful.
I feel like I need to surrender myself to this to find peace, but I have such a lot of resistance. I go between being determined to fight and win, to then simply being utterly defeated and curling up as if I’m gone already. The waves of emotions are extreme and I’m nowhere near acceptance. I’m hiding these from my son, but it’s very very hard. I had so many plans.
My husband is trying to be very positive and hold on to faith. I’m up and down with that.
Rambling a bit now, sorry. I’m still reading all your quotes and messages.