Storm Part 3 (for partners of people with cancer)

[Willowkins]

Continuing the thread, mostly supporting partners of people with cancer - just in case it's needed.

The previous thread is here

[Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

It really does bring out the best in people. my In Laws - so DH parents, (only child) couldn’t ’make the funeral’ as they had a bad back - they watched it streamed instead

Oh dear yes. Some people seem to think the funeral should be all about them. I can't fathom what's going on in their heads. Your brother seems to think it's a spectator sport. Good for you for being clear with him.
I'd also have a word with the funeral director so they've got your back.

So sorry @notapizzaeater I can’t believe your In laws were so callous.

@Willowkins id bizarrely sort of predicted DB would try and see DH and had mentioned it to the funeral directors and they passworded DH’s funeral arrangements. DB doesn’t know where DH is but it wouldn’t take much of a ring round to find him and Im wondering if his being in contact regarding this is because he’s already tried and failed.

His essay of reasons are peppered with ‘I’ and there’s basically no condolences or sympathy extended to me, it’s all about his own needs and grief.

One thing I've learned from the various bereavements I've had is that people do very very weird things when confronted with a death. It's a waste of time trying to understand why, there aren't any logical reasons. I'm sorry you're on the receiving end though.

@Hisredipad passwording the funeral is genius. It's sad you've had to take these measures though - I hope there will also be little moments of love and support.

Hi folks, hope all are well.
We've had a request from someone on the cancer threads to change the name of this thread so it's more immediately obvious what we're for.
Apparently what's happening is that partners are seeking help on the thread for people with cancer and then being directed here. It might save a little bit of energy on both sides if they didn't have to do that.
The storm is real. It's what's going on in our hearts and brains when we get the news and it's the physical, mental, emotional turmoil of caring for someone with this disease; and it's picking up the pieces afterwards.
But I'm thinking I could ask MN to change the thread title to "The Storm Part 3 (support for partners of people with terminal cancer)" and that would make it more obvious who we are.
What do people think? To our most recent posters, especially those who have been bereaved and still need support, would this title have been easier for you?
I'd appreciate any suggestions.

That sounds fine to me, it's clear that it's specifically for partners. And well done for starting a thread that's been so helpful when there was really nothing else.

I was directed to it and have found great comfort from it but I wasn’t actively looking for emotional support but I have found it really helpful

i have on the other hand looked for a whole host of other related stuff and been surprised not to find stuff and ended up starting my own posts so Yes OP I do think it would be helpful to those that need your Post to find it more easily. 💐

I think the title change will help people find the right thread for them.

This week we have to finalise everything for the funeral. This week my brain fog is truly horrendous.

I would so like to pack a bag, take the dog and not come back for at least a month but life can’t be like that. It’s slowly becoming real from yesterday. I had to do some practical stuff with energy companiy and I haven’t got the foggiest about how to do it. It took me ages to work out things like price caps. I wondered if you could get professional people who actually do all of this? They come in and clean up the mess of your paperwork and leave you feeling slightly better having sorted all the things that you never actually remembered to think about. I’ve suddenly realised I’ve got no travel insurance now as it was all on DH’s bank account perks. Another thing to battle my way through as I’m going to need it pretty soon as I’m going to.DC1 almost straight after the funeral and they live abroad.

Life admin afterwards is horrible, if phoning anyone always ask for the bereavement team - they are normally more compassionate (in fact at Virgin I was in tears as the bloke was so helpful)

I tasked myself to do one thing each day as it was so overwhelming.

@Hisredipad the admin is truly awful. I had all bills but one in my name already but had many many issues sorting Dh’s estate. It took me 6 months to resolve most of it. There is so much so do keep a list. Off the top of my head ones that are easy to forget are things like TV licence, council tax, you may be eligible for a discount? Check your car & home insurance have been updated to remove joint holders, extra cars etc so the insurance company couldn’t hold that against you if you had to claim.
Thinking of you and hope the funeral is bearable x

I agree with PP - make a list and ask for the bereavement team every time. I still haven't got round to changing one of our joint bank accounts. I told them about it at the time but they said I'd need to take in his death certificate and I just didn't have the energy or bandwidth. I'll get round to it eventually but I guess my point is you don't have to be perfect or do all this straight away.

This is really odd, but I just feel constantly hungry, nothing sustains my hunger, I’ve just got this constant gnawing feeling in my stomach, is this a form of grief?

Grief is complex @Hisredipad so it could be - but it's also possible that it's a reaction to the trauma you've gone through.

Funeral day minus 4. Slowly wishing DH had planned his own funeral. I’ll definitely be planning mine sometime soon, I don’t wish to leave my kids with the stuff we’ve had to sort.

another relative ( not immediate family) and not my brother, who also is only seen about once a year if that is poking their nose in now about something specific at the service and wanting this and that and copies of who is saying what.

I have good reason not to upset them (has low MH issues) but REALLY I could do with a simple sentence which is a polite version of “Bill bog off back into your own world and don’t worry about it” (by the way he’s not even coming to the funeral although I do wonder if on the day he will suddenly appear)
Ive decided that when it’s all over I’m going lc with Bill and a gentle fade to nc, he won’t notice as it was DH who always maintained the contact.

A couple of days ago, he rang, it wasn’t convenient so I said I’d ring back later, he was then ringing me on dot of the time ish I said I’d ring to ask why I’d not rung, (I was out taking cards to the florist for the flowers and longer than expected)

He’s got some bee in his bonnet that we are going to say something which he doesn’t want us to, (insert old funny family joke that Bill was the brunt of and actually wasn’t funny to Bill in his and also my opinion).

I found myself offering to email him the eulogy but actually im annoyed I said this because I’ve now found out we won’t finish it by the time I said he could have it and two I don’t want anyone to have an electronic version of it outside the immediate family.

You are allowed to say 'I know I agreed to X but on reflection I feel I wasn't able to consider it properly at the time and I now think Y. So that's what's going to happen, it's not up for discussion.' You can't take on the added burden of protecting their MH, however much you might want to, when you're so recently bereaved and you have no bandwidth to spare.

Anyone who's been through this will understand and cut you some slack. I honestly wouldn't worry about finding the polite version of whatever you want to say.

Anything you say is for your own benefit because these people are completely oblivious to anyone else's feelings.
What I wish I'd said to the various tormentors at MrW's funeral: Are you insane?

I discovered that an unexpected bonus of saying something similar at DH's funeral is that the utterly insensitive person I said it to has refused to have anything to do with me since.

I am so fed up. Another relative is kicking off about seating at the funeral, it’s on my side so my thoughts it’s not exactly blood relations didn’t got down very well.
I’m tempted to lose my phone and set an auto reply on my email.
what is wrong with people, today I was told, “well I thought I should say what I feel”, my view on that would be don’t give the widow any more grief than she’s currently got to deal with. (I am almost decided on a direct cremation for myself if this is now people carry on).

@Hisredipad After the years of suffering and trauma of the last 6 months before dh passed away. I couldn’t face a funeral. I didn’t want people to come who hadn’t been there for him when he was here and also he wasn’t from the UK and close family couldn’t come due to the distance. So, I decided on a direct cremation. I did receive some grief but I did what was best for myself and dc and for anybody who didn’t like it/ had an opinion, too bad. I made it clear this was the way it was going to be and I don’t regret it for a second. I honestly don’t think I could have handled a funeral as I just had nothing left to give 😕

You need to look after yourself at this time. There is no right or wrong way but at the end of the day. Anyone who is prepared to cause you more grief at this time isn’t worth it.

I did a direct crem too, I couldn’t sit through his funeral and I don’t think he would have been able to sit through mine either.

It’s sadly interesting that all those who have made a fuss feel it’s their right to say something, that they must speak up for themselves yet common decency and respect for me is not considered. I’ll be told it’s the modern way, for their MH etc. I’m working on my scathing reply.

DH’s and I oldest friends live a five hour drive away, they are coming down and im seeing them the next day, I’m thinking of asking them to have me and the dog to stay as soon as all the family are gone, they’ve already offered but I don’t expect they’d thought I’d come that soon.

I realise a lot of my despair and anguish is from the sheer exhaustion of the past X months of looking after DH at home and in hospital entangled with grief. Trouble is now I’m on high alert for the next piece of crap flying my way.

thank you all for your replies, this anonymous but friendly space has given me somewhere to say and discuss things with, I told my best friend a little of it yesterday and she’s appalled and wants to say something but I’ve said not because it will make more trouble im the long run.

@Hisredipad sending strength for dealing with the idiots.