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Original poster

Handhold and questions about dying at home.

87 replies

RealHousewifeOfEastLondon · 28/05/2022 10:16

Hi all. Need a handhold and some advice about something that is worrying me.

My dad is dying. He has been unwell for a while but got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few weeks ago and the decline has been very rapid.

He is at home (as he wanted to be) and my mum has amazing support from district nurses, carers and MacMillan.

He hasn’t eaten in a few weeks, about ten days ago he was having an Ensure drink or a bite of a sandwich. He hasn’t drunk in nearly a week, we have been wetting his mouth for comfort and he is still urinating. He has a syringe driver and is peaceful. I know that he doesn’t have long.

I desperately want to be with him and my mum when the time comes, but I have small children and am trying to juggle caring for them and being there with my dad. I have very little support outside my husband who works nights but can come home if needed and is doing what he can.

I have read a lot about what happens at the end and feel as prepared as I can be. I also know that people go when they are ready and am trying to accept that I might not be with him.

What I do want to know is how soon after someone dies at home does the body get collected? I am sorry if this is upsetting or makes me sound strange, but if he passes when I am not there I want to go to see him to say goodbye and be there with my mum when he leaves the house. But I am worried I won’t get there in time.

Any advice welcome please xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
RealHousewifeOfEastLondon · 28/05/2022 10:18

Sorry, should have maybe said I live about a ten/15 minute drive away from my parents.

OP posts:
NavyNails2 · 28/05/2022 10:20

Hi, sorry you're going through this, it's such a tough time. I'm a district nurse so am involved with palliative patients a lot. Once he dies, a medical professional (usually district nurse) will come and do a verification, which is just a few checks and paperwork filling out. After that, it's up to the family when they are ready to call the undertaker. You will definitely have the opportunity to go and see him. Take care of yourself, it's a very draining time.

Original poster
RealHousewifeOfEastLondon · 28/05/2022 10:23

Thank you. It's the waiting now. My dad as I knew him is gone, but this limbo is excruciating.

OP posts:
BlanketsBanned · 28/05/2022 10:24

Sorry to hear about your dad but how wonderful that he is at home with people who love him. Does a doctor come and see him, things can sometimes get a bit delayed if a doctor hasnt seen someone for a while. Have the family arranged a funeral director, they can come to the house and take dad into their care when he passes. Someone will need to certify his cause of death which may either the nurse or his doctor so nothing happens until that is done. I think it would be worth speaking to the nurse about this.

BlanketsBanned · 28/05/2022 10:25

Yes pp is right, the nurse can verify his death, sorry for the confusion.

Original poster
RealHousewifeOfEastLondon · 28/05/2022 10:27

We have spoken to our preferred funeral directors and family GP has said she can come and certify the death. We have district nurses who come daily and can be called any time.

It's just the thought of them taking him away without me being there that is killing me.

OP posts:
Campervangirl · 28/05/2022 10:30

My mum died recently at home, cancer, I had been looking after her, practically living with her.
She died when I wasn't there, family commitment that I didn't want to attend, but had to, because I wanted to stay with my mum.
She went unexpectedly.
I'm comforting myself with the thought that I did everything I could for her during her illness.
My sister found my mum and rang 999 for advice in a panic, they sent an ambulance and the paramedics told my sister what to do.
They advised to ring the gp to declare my mum dead, gp came to the house, paramedics offered to take away my mums body but advised her to ring a funeral home, she rang a local funeral home and the collected my mum a few hours later.
I'm feeling for you OP, stay strong, remember that you are doing your best and your df loves you and knows that you love him.
Be kind to yourself ❤️

shiningstar2 · 28/05/2022 10:30

I am so sorry you are going through this op. I was in a similar situation to you when my dad died. My brother and I were taking turns to stay over and be with him and my mother. I was not there when he died although I should have been. I swapped my day with my brother so that he could travel back to his home on the Friday. I should have been with him on the Thursday he died but sadly I wasn't. You can't be there all the time if you have small children op so try to prepare yourself that this could happen. You will know you have done your best and are being a massive support to them both. 💐
Regarding your other question, you will be able to see him at home. I was at work. Went home to break the news to my Dd who was very close to him, then straight to mam's. Maybe an hour and a half. My brother had phoned the undertaker but just told him not to come until his sister had said goodbye so just make sure your wishes are known. It was a massive comfort to me to be able to say goodbye to him while he was still in his own bed. Almost like sleeping. Take care 💐

yecartmannew · 28/05/2022 10:32

I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

My mum died recently at home on a Monday, and the undertakers collected her on Wednesday at my request so that the family could all travel to see her.

I laid mum out myself, but the undertaker could have done it for me if necessary.

Also, our undertaker offers a care at home service where they pr o vide cooling pads and will visit frequently to check the condition of the body. They will then advise if the time has come to move to the funeral home.

People often assume there is a great hurry to do things once the death has occured, but in fact it's a good thing IMO to slow down and process things, i think it helps with the grieving process.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 28/05/2022 10:33

Talk to your Mum and funeral directors but there is no need to ring the funeral Director straight after your Dad dies.

BlanketsBanned · 28/05/2022 10:33

They wont come and just take him away, the g.p will come out and you call the funeral directors. Take care

BlossomWood · 28/05/2022 10:35

The professionals are there to guide you and will go at your pace, so remember to take a breath and not get in to a panic to rush anything. You make the phone calls or make instructions when you (& your family) are ready. Take the time you need with him and sending a big hand squeeze x

Original poster
RealHousewifeOfEastLondon · 28/05/2022 13:31

Thank you everyone. This is all so reassuring.

I am so sorry for everyone else who has been through this and for the losses you have experienced Flowers

I am on my way to Dad now. Kind of hoping it will be today because I am exhausted and selfishly know I can stay all day and night.

OP posts:
Original poster
RealHousewifeOfEastLondon · 28/05/2022 13:55

I am with him and mum now. He is gurgling when he breathes. How long can we expect?

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 28/05/2022 14:02

💐💐💐💐, it doesnt seem like he will have long left, MIL had the same symptoms, maybe an hour later she'd passed, however that doesnt mean its the same for you 💐💐💐💐

PuppyMonkey · 28/05/2022 14:08

Big hugs OP. Sounds like the telltale death rattle? Hope he’s at peace soon.Flowers

ivykaty44 · 28/05/2022 14:20

What I do want to know is how soon after someone dies at home does the body get collected?

every death is different to some degree but as you know there are signs. The Marie Curie nurse gave us warning as a dying loved ones body starts to change in appearance. So if you talk to them it is possible you'll have time to get to be with your mum and dad to say goodbye. Remember though your dad will choose when to dye and this maybe with or without people around him

After death the district nurses, who we called to be with us, did all their paper work.

I then had to call and undertaker and they asked me when would I like them to come - its ups to you. There is no set time frame.

I hadn't even thought about calling an undertaker, so it maybe worth thinking about that and having some numbers ready or asking around for recommendations

Between the district nurses leaving and me calling the undertaker we sat as a family for one last time and did our family things, it was very peaceful and a beautiful memory

kind thoughts to you at this difficult time

Brightermornings · 28/05/2022 14:24

My dad died at home. We got the district nurse to certify the death. The funeral directors came a few hours later but said we could have kept him at home overnight if we wanted.
Lots of love to you and your family.

Badger1970 · 28/05/2022 14:27

My stepmother died at home, and fortunately the nursing team were there when it happened. They did all the paperwork, and told Dad that he could phone the local undertaker when he was ready.

My sister and I arrived, and we all sat with her for a few hours. Her Mum was also there as well as Dad, it was a warm spring day and all the windows were open. It was really calm and peaceful, and I'm glad we all had that chance to say goodbye. Her Mum put "time to say goodbye on" and that was the only time that I felt really choked. She died around 11am, and Dad rang the undertaker late afternoon. There's no right or wrong way, OP, just what feels right to you all.

I'm so sorry Flowers

ElspethBoomingHowsen · 28/05/2022 14:29

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I hope today is the day and he has a peaceful death whilst you are all together and you and your mum can support each other x

TimBoothseyes · 28/05/2022 14:34

When dad died (it was a Sunday evening). We asked the undertaker not to collect him until the next morning as we wanted to spend 1 last night with him. Although the weather was a bit wild that night, inside the house it was such a peaceful atmosphere. The only thing that shocked me was how quickly he became cold, so be prepared for that.

HardRockOwl · 28/05/2022 14:41

@RealHousewifeOfEastLondon from what you describe, not long at all. So I'm hoping for you that it is today for all your sakes as this bit is somehow the hardest.

This is always hard and horrible and my heart goes out to you. I hope you get to be with him when he passes

feellikeanalien · 28/05/2022 14:44

Hi OP. So sorry for what you're going through. DP died at home. We had the hospice nurse with us who was staying overight when he died and she was able to confirm the death. As I had DD at home I wanted them to take the body as soon as possible as it would have been too distressing for her.

The undertakers arrived within a couple of hours. It was all very respectful and DD and I waited upstairs while they removed the body. I was so glad the hospice nurse was there as I really hadn't thought about the practicalities of it all as obviously my focus was on DP.

Nothing really prepares you for it but all the professionals involved were sympathetic and considerate.

Flowers for you and your mum.

PriamFarrl · 28/05/2022 14:52

My sympathy OP.
I was with FIL when he died, pancreatic cancer too.
We had been told it wouldn’t be long and had come to stay and help MIL. He took a turn for the worse and BIL called for the doctor. FIL then passed away so we called back to cancel. The doctor came anyway to certify him. This was in the morning, about 10. The funeral home collected him later that day.

Original poster
RealHousewifeOfEastLondon · 28/05/2022 15:18

It's definitely the death rattle. The district nursery is coming back to give him an injection that she said can stop the fluid build up and make it a bit quieter.

I'm frightened now but know this is also a special time and I am being brave.

Thank you everyone for your help, advice and kindness. I'm so sorry for everyone who has gone through this too. It is so fucking hard and my heart goes out to you all.

Please stay with me and hold my hand. We are just sitting with him so I will keeping checking in.

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