Handhold and questions about dying at home.

[RealHousewifeOfEastLondon]

Hi all. Need a handhold and some advice about something that is worrying me.

My dad is dying. He has been unwell for a while but got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few weeks ago and the decline has been very rapid.

He is at home (as he wanted to be) and my mum has amazing support from district nurses, carers and MacMillan.

He hasn’t eaten in a few weeks, about ten days ago he was having an Ensure drink or a bite of a sandwich. He hasn’t drunk in nearly a week, we have been wetting his mouth for comfort and he is still urinating. He has a syringe driver and is peaceful. I know that he doesn’t have long.

I desperately want to be with him and my mum when the time comes, but I have small children and am trying to juggle caring for them and being there with my dad. I have very little support outside my husband who works nights but can come home if needed and is doing what he can.

I have read a lot about what happens at the end and feel as prepared as I can be. I also know that people go when they are ready and am trying to accept that I might not be with him.

What I do want to know is how soon after someone dies at home does the body get collected? I am sorry if this is upsetting or makes me sound strange, but if he passes when I am not there I want to go to see him to say goodbye and be there with my mum when he leaves the house. But I am worried I won’t get there in time.

Any advice welcome please xxx

First, a Dr has to examine the body and confirm death has occurred, for the death certificate.

Next, you or family member/friend contacts an undertaker and they will quite quickly bring a vehicle and all they need to collect the body and take it to their premises.

The undertaker will offer a separate appointment to talk through the funeral arrangements or other disposal. That meeting will be either at Dad';s home or in their office whichever you prefer. They know what they are doing, be led by their expertise.

Someone ( preferably family, ) has to collect the death certificate from the certifying DR then make an appointment at the local Registrar Office to register the death. I strongly recommend googling the "tell us once" service, and getting the documents together to do that, It saves a lot of time and stress. Again, the Registrar knows the registration procedure inside out and will take you through it gently.

When he dies, that's the hard bit over for him and that release generally brings some relief to the family. You then have time to breathe and comfort each other. . The professionals then manage next stage.

May he rest in peace, and may that sense of peace be with you & your family today & the coming days. 🌺

I am so sorry you have lost your dad but glad he isn't in any more pain.

I wish I knew what to say .

I'm so very sorry for your loss RealHousewifeOfEastLondon. You have done a wonderful thing being there for your dad, and now supporting your mum. Take care of yourself too

Im sorry for your loss OP xx

I am so pleased for your dad that you and your mum were able to support him to die at home as he wished , I hope it is a comfort to you both to know this, and that in the coming weeks you will remember that together you made his last hours special for all of you.

Take care of yourself.

Thinking of you all. I'm glad to hear your lovely Dad is in no more pain and that you and your mum were able to spend his last hours showing him your love. Wishing you well in the days ahead.

From experience with my gran, usually when they stop eating,this is the final decline. Her carers told us not to push food and that it was normal for them to stop eating. Woth her body, it was a few hours later, once all the family had been, that they took her. Sorry you are going through this xx

@RealHousewifeOfEastLondon I'm very sorry for your loss, he's not suffering any longer but it's always difficult for those left behind xxx

@RealHousewifeOfEastLondon , I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely dad. I know you have been a great support to him and your mum.

Sorry for your loss op, I hope it was a very peaceful passing and you enjoyed some quiet time together after your dad passed away x

I’m sorry for your loss of your dear dad, you certainly were so special in looking after him on his last journey.

if you need any practice advice please ask

often you can book online for registering the death, you don’t have to wait to make this appointment as the doctor will get their paper work ready anyway.( sometimes you collect it other times they send it directly to the registration office, so do check) So you can if you wish look on line at your local office and make an appointment for this week - jyst ring the gp and tell them when you need the paper work completed by. As it’s a short week you may want to do this first thing tomorrow, but obviously only if you feel up to it.

as op poster stated using the tell us once is ideal, they inform about 20 different organisations.

take care of each other