Handhold and questions about dying at home.

[RealHousewifeOfEastLondon]

Hi all. Need a handhold and some advice about something that is worrying me.

My dad is dying. He has been unwell for a while but got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few weeks ago and the decline has been very rapid.

He is at home (as he wanted to be) and my mum has amazing support from district nurses, carers and MacMillan.

He hasn’t eaten in a few weeks, about ten days ago he was having an Ensure drink or a bite of a sandwich. He hasn’t drunk in nearly a week, we have been wetting his mouth for comfort and he is still urinating. He has a syringe driver and is peaceful. I know that he doesn’t have long.

I desperately want to be with him and my mum when the time comes, but I have small children and am trying to juggle caring for them and being there with my dad. I have very little support outside my husband who works nights but can come home if needed and is doing what he can.

I have read a lot about what happens at the end and feel as prepared as I can be. I also know that people go when they are ready and am trying to accept that I might not be with him.

What I do want to know is how soon after someone dies at home does the body get collected? I am sorry if this is upsetting or makes me sound strange, but if he passes when I am not there I want to go to see him to say goodbye and be there with my mum when he leaves the house. But I am worried I won’t get there in time.

Any advice welcome please xxx

I have read all your messages and can't tell you how much your kindness, advice and sharing your own experiences means to me and is helping.

He is still here. The rattle has stopped but he is breathing quickly and grunting/moaning.

This wait is excruciating. The uncertainly and the wanting something to happen that you don't really want to happen. The fear of what comes after, of life without him...

I can't remember who said it was a privilege to sit with their family member, but how right you are xxxxxxx

He won’t be taken away till you give the instruction, don’t worry. It’s quite common when someone dies at night that families won’t have the undertaker attend till the morning (although they do generally offer a 24/7 service).
It’s entirely personal and you and your family have control over it.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s so tough when you lose a parent x

It absolutely is a privilege, I was fortunate enough to be with both my parents when they passed, but even if I hadn’t been there at the precise moment, I’d had the privilege of having been able to say everything that I wanted and needed to before they passed, and it sounds like you’ve in that same position

I am thinking of you. I sat with my dad as he died from pancreatic cancer too. It was the saddest thing I've ever done but also a true privilege to surround someone with love at the end of their life.
I hope I am as lucky at the end of my life to have a child or partner that loves me holding my hand and making me comfortable,
You are doing a really special thing for your dad.
I hope things are peaceful and I wish you strength

💐💐

I feel like such an awful person as I am willing this to just hurry up now. It's been the longest week and selfishly I am so drained and tired. But also because I just want him to be free of pain and at peace.

He is gurgling again and moaning. I so hope this is today.

its so normal to wish it was going faster, please don’t feel bad. It is emotionally and physically exhausting. It’s also ok to go and sleep/eat so don’t feel you must be there for every second. He knows you’ve been there with him, you’ve given him that comfort.

Sorry you are going through this. Had similar with my dad 2 years ago he was in hospital though, it just struck me how you said you have to be brave, that was exactly how I felt at the end, I was stuck between not wanting to watching him go but wanting to be there, so I was brave. I hope you get what you want to be there at the end, but as previous poster said you will have some time once he passes.

Take care x

I have been exactly where you are now. Sending you love and strength. It will be a relief when he finally lets himself go. Don't feel bad about feeling that.

Oh RealHousewife, you aren't an awful person. My dad also had pancreatic cancer, you just want it all over for them don't you. Have you had chance to say everything you want to? I spent the last day of my dad's life laying on the bed next to him telling him how much I loved him. That's been such a comfort in the 30 years since he died.

You're so right about it being a privilege. I was with my mother in law and father in law when they died, and in the next room when my dad died. Althiugh at the time it was all so intense, exhausting and desperately sad, I look back and remember all the love that surrounded them as they slipped away. Hope that will be a tiny bit of comfort for you.

Sending you a hug x

I totally understand how you feel, we were so relieved when DH mum died, she was so, so poorly and we just wanted her suffering to end, she was such a lovely mum & nan, she didn’t deserve to suffer. When you love someone so much you want what’s best for them. I hope your dad, crosses the bridge soon

Hugs

What you may find is that he holds on while you are there and then let's go if you step out of the room for a moment. It's so hard watching someone that you love die.

Please dont feel bad OP, I felt immemse relief when MIL passed, DH almost had a breakdown trying to look after her and Id been so worried but still trying to support him, and MIL was in pain and very ill and she was ready to go, when she did pass yes it was truly heartbreaking but she was finally at peace.
💐💐💐💐

I’ve been through it too, OP. I was staying in my parents home for the last two weeks of my father’s life. I woke up every morning and thought, please let it be today.

I'm so sorry OP-I experienced similar thing with my mom at Christmas
The waiting is excruciating and whilst I didn't want my mom to go, the mom that I knew and loved hadn't been with us for a while
I hope you, your Dad and your family get the peace you all deserve 💐

Sorry, I haven't read the latest messages but I will come back to later.

Dad died at 11am. He waited until I had left the room. My mum was holding his hand and it was peaceful and calm.

I am so relieved and happy. Happy he is not in pain anymore, happy we get this time as I know so many people don't get this.

I know another horrible part in this journey is coming but for now we are with him listening to his favourite songs and cuddling him and having a glass of wine. It's a beautiful day and the sun is coming in through the windows.

Thank you everyone for helping me through the past 24 hours. You have all been a bigger support than you know xxx I will be back soon to catch up and probably post more xxx

RIP Real Housewife's daddy xx

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐😥😥

Having been through exactly the same thing with my dad, I know how you must be feeling.
Sorry for your loss but know that he will be free from pain which is the main thing.
Take time to look after yourself.

Sorry for your loss. I hope you remember happy days together.

Your dad would have been Roy's to raise such a compassionate daughter who looked after him like you did in his final hours.

Take care of yourself.

Proud. (Not sure why it auto corrected)

I just wanted to send

We went through this exact situation exactly a year ago. The waiting was dreadful and please don't feel guilty for feeling relieved. In some ways it was the only emotion we had left by the end.

Take things one day at a time x

They are coming to take him away soon 💔