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Original poster

I have cancer, friend wants to support DH

87 replies

Symmetryisoverrated · 27/02/2022 01:52

I’ve got breast cancer and my lovely DH has been a rock throughout my treatment, and I know that this can be a difficult time for the partner as well as the patient.

One particular friend keeps texting DH to check on how he is doing and asking if he wants to meet for coffee. She hasn’t messaged me much. DH isn’t responding to her but I’m feeling angry that she seems to be taking the chance to make a move on him while I am ill. I am already a ball of anxiety and I am not looking or feeling my best (understatement!). How can I deal with this?

OP posts:
IsAnybodyListening · 27/02/2022 09:31

I think your DH needs to respond next time instead of you, as to put the message across clearly.

'Hi Wifes friend. I have received several messages from you now suggesting we meet for a coffee. Having spoke with my wife, it appears you are contacting me more frequently than her, I am sure you understand I am finding this attention very uncomfortable'.

Then he needs to block her.

Hope you are on the mend soon OP.

ExactlyThis · 27/02/2022 09:32

(Hope you’re ok OP. You really have enough to deal with, without this woman!) Flowers

3luckystars · 27/02/2022 09:33

‘ Thank you for your concern for my husband, but thankfully my prognosis is excellent and I’m not going to die. Now fuck off’

I love this one Grin

Frazzled2207 · 27/02/2022 09:34

He needs to be firm with her and if she doesn’t listen, block her.

Outrageous behaviour

Wishing you all the best

RedRobin100 · 27/02/2022 09:34

@Whingasaurus

I second asking your dh to text her back saying that he has his own support network and is finding it inappropriate for his wife's friend to be texting him more than she is texting her actual friend. Inappropriate behaviour imo and my dh would probably tell her to fuck off.
This
Roselilly36 · 27/02/2022 09:37

How upsetting for you OP. Good luck for your treatment. I agree with prevs posters, he needs to block.

PinchOfVom · 27/02/2022 09:40

This is just appalling behaviour
I wouldn’t be friends with somebody like this at all.... it’s undermining you in so many ways at a critical time.

I think you both need to block her and avoid

gingerhills · 27/02/2022 09:41

I'd have him agree to meet for a coffee and then both turn up. That will send her a very clear message.

M0rT · 27/02/2022 09:43

I've had cancer for four years and when I was going through the tougher treatment my close friends and family who know my DH well checked in with him.
But for the women it was only ever texts or calls or asking me how he was doing/offering to stay with me if necessary so he could go out with his own friends or family.
None of them kept trying to meet up with him on their own because that would have been really weird!
Ask your DH to send one the texts above and then both of you need to block her.
It doesn't matter if she is trying it on or is just odd, you asked her to stop and she refused. Not your friend anymore.
Best of luck with your treatment. 🍀
For some comfort I looked as average as I ever did about 6 months post chemo. Wink

HomeHomeInTheRange · 27/02/2022 09:54

I think he should message her “I am fine thanks. DW is the one needing support from her friends, not me”

Neenawneenaw76 · 27/02/2022 10:01

You're definitely not being paranoid, it's really odd to contact the partner of the person who is ill more. You certainly find out who you can trust when the chips are down. DH should send a message letting her know he doesn't need her support and then block her, you both should, you don't need this right now xx

Neenawneenaw76 · 27/02/2022 10:03

@3luckystars

‘ Thank you for your concern for my husband, but thankfully my prognosis is excellent and I’m not going to die. Now fuck off’

I love this one Grin

Please send this! 😂😂😂
lunar1 · 27/02/2022 10:11

@ExactlyThis

I would message her directly tbh.

Thank you for your concern for my husband, but thankfully my prognosis is excellent and I’m not going to die. Now fuck off Grin

This!

What a nasty woman.

Angrymum22 · 27/02/2022 10:12

It’s a tough time for both of you, DH & I have just been through the same. Thankfully I have finished active treatment.
I would ask your DH to message her and say that he is grateful for her concern but the best way to support him is to support you. That it’s you who has the cancer not him and that you would benefit from meeting for coffee and a chat not him.
I would stress that it is definitely not helping him having his wife’s friend hassling him for a meet up.
I think you need to spell it out to her how her behaviour is coming across.
I have found that facing cancer has made me less tolerant of fake concern.

Viviennemary · 27/02/2022 10:14

I would say block her messages. If she asks why say you both find it intrusive.

Dontbeme · 27/02/2022 10:14

OP could another mutual friend rip this woman a new arsehole for you? This woman is no friend to you and I would ask DH how he would feel if he was in your position and one of his mates was trying to pull a stunt like this? Would he be happy to have a friend try to make a move when he was at his most vulnerable? I hope your treatment goes well and I also hope this "friend" gets hedgehogs for piles.

Viviennemary · 27/02/2022 10:15

Or do what gingerhills says. Both turn up.

TillyTopper · 27/02/2022 10:17

Exactly as @Viviennemary says - both you and DH should block her. And if she says anything say it's intrusive. Priority should be given to how you are feeling OP. I understand your DH will need support too, but she's not helping so she goes.

Oblomov22 · 27/02/2022 10:28

I would get Dh to send a polite but telling text. Then both block her. Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him, that after your passing he can marry anyone he likes, but not her!

FriendProblem · 27/02/2022 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Symmetryisoverrated · 27/02/2022 12:18

@Angrymum22

It’s a tough time for both of you, DH & I have just been through the same. Thankfully I have finished active treatment. I would ask your DH to message her and say that he is grateful for her concern but the best way to support him is to support you. That it’s you who has the cancer not him and that you would benefit from meeting for coffee and a chat not him. I would stress that it is definitely not helping him having his wife’s friend hassling him for a meet up. I think you need to spell it out to her how her behaviour is coming across. I have found that facing cancer has made me less tolerant of fake concern.
Flowers for you and your DH. I’m glad you have finished active treatment.

I’ve lost a lot of tolerance, and I know what you mean about the “fake concern”.

OP posts:
Original poster
Symmetryisoverrated · 27/02/2022 12:25

@M0rT

I've had cancer for four years and when I was going through the tougher treatment my close friends and family who know my DH well checked in with him. But for the women it was only ever texts or calls or asking me how he was doing/offering to stay with me if necessary so he could go out with his own friends or family. None of them kept trying to meet up with him on their own because that would have been really weird! Ask your DH to send one the texts above and then both of you need to block her. It doesn't matter if she is trying it on or is just odd, you asked her to stop and she refused. Not your friend anymore. Best of luck with your treatment. 🍀 For some comfort I looked as average as I ever did about 6 months post chemo. Wink
Flowers to you for your treatment
OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 27/02/2022 12:58

I came on to say that whether or not this is dodgy depends very much on the dynamic of the friendship.

My DH and I have a good female friend. I would say she is closer to DH than me so if I were ill, she would very likely offer him support over me. I wouldn't think anything bad of it all nor would I think for a minute she would be trying to get off with him at my funeral. Even the thought of it... just no!

BUT this is your friend and only you know the dynamic as to whether it's weird or not.

I would just text her and say that you think it's inappropriate and to please stop.

NeverChange · 27/02/2022 13:02

What an absolute b. She is no friend to you and I'm astounded that someone would do this. It's one think to drop off some food or offer to collect DC from school to ease the burden but this is a whole other level.

He should text her saying.

I'm fine and have great support around me. The invites to coffee are inappropriate and unnecessary. My wife is my priority right now not coffee with her friends. Any support you want to provide should be to her.

He should the block the stupid woman.

I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. You have enough to deal with you are not being paranoid.

Best of luck with your treatment. Hope you get shot of the cancer and the so called friend.

@peachy3. If you ever shoot your MIL. I will give you an alibi!!! What an inconsiderate, self, crazy woman. Hope your recovery goes well too and the next couple of weeks for you and your child are as smooth as possible.

forcedfun · 27/02/2022 13:12

She's being wildly inappropriate. Those aren't the actions of a friend.

I can't even imagine how she can't see that.