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Original poster

I have cancer, friend wants to support DH

87 replies

Symmetryisoverrated · 27/02/2022 01:52

I’ve got breast cancer and my lovely DH has been a rock throughout my treatment, and I know that this can be a difficult time for the partner as well as the patient.

One particular friend keeps texting DH to check on how he is doing and asking if he wants to meet for coffee. She hasn’t messaged me much. DH isn’t responding to her but I’m feeling angry that she seems to be taking the chance to make a move on him while I am ill. I am already a ball of anxiety and I am not looking or feeling my best (understatement!). How can I deal with this?

OP posts:
DoubleTweenQueen · 27/02/2022 07:45

Even if it wasn't border-line predatory, it's intrusive. I'm sure DH is grownup enough to be able to do what works for him emotionally while you're both going through this dreadful period.
No-one can make the situation easier or less distressing, but you have each other for mutual strength and love.
Wishing you the very best result from your treatments 💐

OhMygodddd · 27/02/2022 07:45

If she had a husband that’s gone through cancer I’d understand as she knows what it’s like, but if she hasn’t then she is just being a cow!

lifeissweet · 27/02/2022 07:45

It is hugely self-important on her behalf to think that he needs her, in particular, to lean on. Enough to keep chasing him to meet up. It's one thing offering to be there when someone needs you and quite another demanding attention from them.

There is something off about it.

I'm glad your DH is not the tosspot kind who enjoys the ego boost and tries to argue that it's all so innocent. There are so many of those men on here. You don't need to be feeling uneasy about anything additional at the moment.

HollowTalk · 27/02/2022 07:57

That's really shocking. She's not a friend to either of you. Wishing you a full recovery 💐

Riseholme · 27/02/2022 08:01

A good friend would message you every few days and your dh perhaps once a month.
This is so wrong.
Tell her to go away in expletives of your choice.

Riseholme · 27/02/2022 08:01

And hope all goes wellFlowers.

betrayedandwobbly · 27/02/2022 08:06

I tried that before but she said that DH would need support as it was a difficult time for him too

Tell her that yes, he is being well supported,by those he reached out to. That her offers are kind but not needed.

Then have DH block her.

And yes, from bitter experience, I think your suspicions about her motives are well-founded

marieantoinehairnet · 27/02/2022 08:06

Would suggest a two pronged approach.

DH yo send her a thanks but no thanks.

You to bin her, as that's not a friend!

ChinstrapBobblehat · 27/02/2022 08:17

Wait, what?!!

You’re in treatment for cancer, asked her to stop messaging your husband and she actually had the gall to push back on that and ignore your wishes? Seriously, fuck that.

You need to stop thinking of her as a ‘friend’, OP. She’s no friend to you, she’s just a vile chancer who’s giving you a load of stress at a time when you least need it. Block and move on, don’t give it a second thought.

Your husband sounds lovely and I hope you’re doing ok Flowers

ChinstrapBobblehat · 27/02/2022 08:25
  • to clarify, I mean you both need to block and move on. You and DH need to present a united front - just completely disengage and ignore her, no explanation required.
Seraphinesupport · 27/02/2022 08:27

definitely trying to get in there as a shoulder to weep on before anyone else does. disgusting. yes because obviously when someone is battling cancer they want theyre husband off out on dates with other woman -_-

Malibuismysecrethome · 27/02/2022 08:28

Text her to say that you will both meet her for coffee, presumably she meant both of you? Unfortunately you are both unable to do so at the present time as you are mutually supporting each other.

Lurking9to5 · 27/02/2022 08:30

I agree with what's been said before, it's weird, it'd make a saint uncomfortable. So yanbu.

Loopytiles · 27/02/2022 08:33

Agree with other posters, v inappropriate behaviour from her (at best), would end this friendship, probably by not responding and quietly avoiding her!

Butterfly44 · 27/02/2022 08:40

Agree. Next time she texts DH he needs to message back that he's done and to direct support to you. Thereafter...either ignore any messages or block. And you could also ignore/block 💐

knittingaddict · 27/02/2022 08:51

My husband had cancer and treatment for 7 years or so. I would think it very weird if a male friend was trying to support me more than he was supporting my husband and that I was being invited for coffee and he wasn't.

Of course men can support women and visa versa, but there's an odd dynamic going on here. It's not easy supporting your spouse through something like this, but it was definitely my husband who suffered more and needed more support than I did.

My husband is cancer free now and I wish you all the best with your treatment op.

Sally872 · 27/02/2022 08:55

I would definitely cut her off and likely I would tell her why too, although she doesn't sound like she will hear it so both blocking her may be the most powerful choice.

Yanbu. I can't believe after your text she didn't realise how she was being perceived and back off, she must be more interested in befriending your dh than respecting you. Definitely not a friend.

Original poster
Symmetryisoverrated · 27/02/2022 08:59

@knittingaddict

My husband had cancer and treatment for 7 years or so. I would think it very weird if a male friend was trying to support me more than he was supporting my husband and that I was being invited for coffee and he wasn't.

Of course men can support women and visa versa, but there's an odd dynamic going on here. It's not easy supporting your spouse through something like this, but it was definitely my husband who suffered more and needed more support than I did.

My husband is cancer free now and I wish you all the best with your treatment op.

I’m so glad your husband is cancer free. 7 years of treatment sounds tough for you both.

I feel quite teary at how nice people have been on this thread. I was expecting to be told I was being silly.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 27/02/2022 09:01

She is not a friend, she is an asshole. Text her one last time ‘please stop contacting my husband, he has his own friends and does not need any support from you.’

All the very best and I hope you are doing ok x

Mischance · 27/02/2022 09:02

Yes - get OH to block her.

You've told her you are not comfortable with this and she still persists! - what kind of person is this?

3luckystars · 27/02/2022 09:07

Asshole

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/02/2022 09:08

Ask your DH to block her. Also let it be known among your other friends that you had to take this step because she would not stop moving in on your husband while you are very ill.

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this at this time Flowers

Canyouhearmehello · 27/02/2022 09:20

OP wishing you a speedy recovery. Now to the absolute cow that is txting your husband as pps have said short message from dh to her that he is spending all his time with you. Block her jeez the flaming cheeky nasty cow. Wishing you well OPFlowers

Malibuismysecrethome · 27/02/2022 09:26

I’m going to be flamed but I’ve known carers move in on husbands as well as friends. Horrible to be vulnerable and to have this as well. Best wishes for a complete recovery Flowers

ExactlyThis · 27/02/2022 09:30

I would message her directly tbh.

Thank you for your concern for my husband, but thankfully my prognosis is excellent and I’m not going to die. Now fuck off Grin