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Life-limiting illness

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Original poster

Chemo and unvaxed visitors

65 replies

Fuuuuuckit · 29/01/2022 09:37

My mum starts chemo/immunotherapy on Monday, every 3 weeks, indefinitely.

She's told me she won't be able to see my 18yo ds ever again as he has so far not had the vaccine. However, she does intend to see my younger nieces and nephews who aren't eligible for the vaccine yet, but who are all at schools with covid rampaging through classes still.

My aunt went to the appointment with her and said the recommendation was that she should limit contact with anyone who is not vaccinated.

Her treatment will be reviewed frequently to ensure she maintains some quality of life vs side effects, but as far as we know will be ongoing indefinitely.

AIBU to feel resentful that she is putting so much pressure on my ds but completely ignoring the advice when it comes to other children?

OP posts:

kagerou · 30/01/2022 13:41

It's your DS's choice, the little kids have no say in the matter.

TBF I would probably feel the same in her shoes if one GC was actively avoiding doing something that would reduce the risk of him making me ill.
It would feel hurtful, like he didn't care if he made me ill.

Have a talk with your DS if he wants to see her.

bluebird3 · 30/01/2022 13:45

YABU

She needs to have as little contact with unvaxxed as possible. The small children don't have a choice. Your son does and it is his choice to not get vaxxed and therefore to put your mother (and others) at risk.

Ozanj · 30/01/2022 13:46

Your eldest has a choice the kids don’t. If your DS wants to see his gran then he has his vaccine. Simple. End of discussion. That you’d even argue this point says how little you’re thinking of your mum at this moment.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2022 13:47

AIBU to feel resentful that she is putting so much pressure on my ds but completely ignoring the advice when it comes to other children?

That very much depends on why your DS isn't vaccinated.

She is making her own choice for her own health.

Outlyingtrout · 30/01/2022 13:48

Perhaps she feels that if she were to catch Covid and become extremely ill, or even so ill that she could not recover, she could get her head around that if she knew she had caught it from a child she loves who hadn’t had the opportunity to be vaccinated. Perhaps she knows that it would be impossible for her to come to terms with being put in the same position by an adult who has chosen not to be vaccinated and who quite happily, knowingly and unnecessarily put her at risk.

I think her decision makes perfect sense.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2022 13:48

I'm sorry that your mum is ill. My children didn't get to see my mum before she died because of covid restrictions limiting visitors. It's a shit situation and generally people are doing their best.

MargosKaftan · 30/01/2022 14:09

Your 18 year old not being vaxxed does look like he doesn't give a shit about vunerable people like your mum. It is quite a message to her about how little he cares.

He is an adult and it is his choice. As an adult now, this is a good lesson on how people will judge him on his choices as he goes through life. Its no longer down to his parents.

MaraScottie · 30/01/2022 14:12

Why is your son not vaccinated?

Takingabreakagain · 30/01/2022 14:15

Vaccinated people can get and pass on the virus especially this Omicron version. Just assuming a vaccinated person does not have it might be worse for her. Perhaps your Ds could do a test before he sees her? Would that help her feel safer?

WeeFae · 30/01/2022 14:15

I am also going through chemo and avoiding unvaccinated people over the age of 12. I just don't want to risk it.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2022 14:17

Just assuming a vaccinated person does not have it might be worse for her.

She has been advised by medical professionals to limit contact with unvaccinated people.

Timeforabiscuit · 30/01/2022 14:27

Yes - you are being very fucking unreasonable, and pig ignorant about cev - any particular reason your not trying to make this as easy on your mum as possible?

Chemo is not a walk in the park - you know this don't you? An infection will put her at risk? You know this too yes? And yet one of the most prolific and serious infections around at the moment and you think your lad (who could actually reduce this risk)is special in some way?

Please go and read the macmillan books on cancer - the big one they give to families who have to deal with this shit, and actually read it.

And if you can't, just do phone contact like the thousands of other people have done BEFORE we actually had a vaccine. Unless your wants are more important than your mother's health.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2022 15:47

Was there really any need to be so nasty @Timeforabiscuit?

WhatScratch · 30/01/2022 15:50

I’m very sorry that your mother is so ill. At this time she has to prioritise her own health.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 30/01/2022 15:51

She’s right that anyone who is unvaccinated poses a greater risk to her than whose who are.

What are your son’s reason for not getting vaccinated? Is he aware of how ill his Gran is and how she feels?

Could the ginger ones now be eligible for vaccines as they have such a vulnerable relative? I’m not sure what the rules are exactly- it may be only for those who live with someone who is CEV but it may be worth asking your DM’s medical team.

lunar1 · 30/01/2022 15:54

She is allowed to minimise her risk. He's other grandchildren aren't eligible for a vaccine yet, that's very different from actively deciding not to have it.

Toanewstart22 · 30/01/2022 15:57

How does she get on with your son?

She doesn’t seem all that bothered by not seeing him.

Either way - now is not the time to get in a mood with her

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2022 15:58

I'm going to assume that your resentment is misplaced anger. Anger comes out in odd ways when we're stressed and so this may be anger about her health rather than her decisions. I hope. because otherwise it's a bit shit.

We is reducing her risk, not eliminating it. Her nieces can't be vaccinated so there is no way to reduce risk there. I assume your DS. can be.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2022 15:58

She not we.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 30/01/2022 15:59

YABU unless your son has a very good reason for being unvaxed.
If he wants to see his gran he knows what he needs to do.

JugglingJanuary · 30/01/2022 16:03

@Muchtoomuchtodo. I'm not sure they're rolling it out by hair colour 😂😂.

@Fuuuuuckit I'm sorry to hear about your mum🌷

Has your DS even had a chance to reconsider his position since he found out about your Mum? Will he change his mind?

I think I'd feel the same in your mums situation, tbh, the kids have no choice, DS does. Though if they were my kids I'd be seeing about them getting the vaccine due to your mums condition.

My friends wife is on chemo, she's at the bloidy shops most days, their kids are unvaccinated & at school, she takes public transport & he works in a close contact, customer role. I think they're mad, but what can you do💁🏻‍♀️ (I've told him they're mad, but beyond that, Jack shit I can do)

Long Term Chemo is going to be hard on your mums body. I hope she avoids covid & other bugs. Best wishes to her

Muchtoomuchtodo · 30/01/2022 16:08

@JugglingJanuary I’m not even sure how autocorrect got that from youngsters! 🤣

1Week · 30/01/2022 16:11

I went through chemo and all associated treatments last year, before the vaxx were available and when Delta was dominant.
I was very careful but my kids went to school, I was in and out of hospitals all the time and occasionally treated myself to an inperson shop at Tesco !

It is looking like the vaxxed and unvaxxed are transmitting the virus at similar rates, so while it's up to your mum to limit contact, it seems illogical to limit it on that factor.
I'd be far more worried if he was going clubbing regularly and mixing with randoms and things like that.

AffableApple · 30/01/2022 16:17

@MargosKaftan

Your 18 year old not being vaxxed does look like he doesn't give a shit about vunerable people like your mum. It is quite a message to her about how little he cares.

He is an adult and it is his choice. As an adult now, this is a good lesson on how people will judge him on his choices as he goes through life. Its no longer down to his parents.

This.

You refer to your nieces and nephews as "other children". No, they are children.

Your son is an adult with responsibilities.

Kitkat151 · 30/01/2022 16:25

Your son is an adult....he has chosen not to be vaccinated knowing that his GM will be severely immuno compromised .....your nephews and nieces are children who have not had the opportunity to be jabbed..,,,your Mum will take certain risks during her treatment....I doubt she will get up close with her other grandchildren but she accepts that they are unable to be jabbed unlike your son ..,,,I would do exactly the same in her shoes....if your son won’t get jabbed to protect his GM then he needs to accept she won’t see him

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