Chemo and unvaxed visitors

[Fuuuuuckit]

My mum starts chemo/immunotherapy on Monday, every 3 weeks, indefinitely.

She's told me she won't be able to see my 18yo ds ever again as he has so far not had the vaccine. However, she does intend to see my younger nieces and nephews who aren't eligible for the vaccine yet, but who are all at schools with covid rampaging through classes still.

My aunt went to the appointment with her and said the recommendation was that she should limit contact with anyone who is not vaccinated.

Her treatment will be reviewed frequently to ensure she maintains some quality of life vs side effects, but as far as we know will be ongoing indefinitely.

AIBU to feel resentful that she is putting so much pressure on my ds but completely ignoring the advice when it comes to other children?

She doesn’t seem all that bothered by not seeing him.

Or he doesn’t seem that bothered about not seeing her? He could just go and get the vaccine. OP still hasn’t shared why he isn’t vaccinated.

It says it on here, let alone what else is advised to individuals by their own consultant
I won't be having close contact with anyone who isn't vaccinated

@Timeforabiscuit
sorry about what you're going through, sounds extremely tough made worse by ignorant people.

All the people saying it is the same transmission rate; everything credible I've read says the vaccine reduces transmission. Doesn't stop it entirely but reduces it. If people have another actually credible source which says the vaccine has no effect, can they link it?

TIA

@Blossom64265

While it would be safer for her to avoid the younger children, she is making a decision to balance her risk with her quality of life.

With the family member who is eligible to be vaccinated, but refuses, he has signaled to her that she is not valuable enough to him to be worth taking the vaccine. She knows that he doesn’t care about the relationship. Why should she take the risk If he can’t be bothered.

If they met outside and kept their distance then the risk would be minimal. The fact the grandmother doesn't seem open to doing this confuses me. Also, if it was really about risk then surely she shouldn't be seeing anybody unvaccinated regardless of their reason for being so?

1week1 but there isn't zero benefit in having the vaccine. Because there is a greater risk to young unvaccinated men who catch COVID of developing heart problems than those who have. A greater risk than those attributed to the vaccine itself.

If they met outside and kept their distance then the risk would be minimal. The fact the grandmother doesn't seem open to doing this confuses me.

My relative found it hard to sit in her kitchen having a cup of tea when she was in the middle of chemo. I wouldn't be dragging her to a park!

Gosh, so many responses, thankyou.

She has been CEV throughout, and ignored all the advice then too - visiting neighbours of all ages, shopping daily and refusing every offer of deliveries etc. She is very likely to be badly affected if she contracts covid; obviously she has now been told in no uncertain terms that she must avoid non-vaxxed people of any age - nieces, my dc, she must avoid shops etc.

In a conversation this afternoon she has said that she will be going about her business as much as she is able, including grocery shopping, the younger dgc and neighbour's children.

@Timeforabiscuit I am INCREDIBLY aware of how cancer, and its treatment, affects both the patient and their families - this is our 3rd experience of it, with my mum and dh, and I've been present at almost all of the appointments for both over the last 5 years, and I've read many, many macmillan brochures, am a member on their forum and have personally been supported by the wonderful volunteers at our local hospital. I am completely aware of how the smallest germ-ridden interaction can lead to severe complications, and I can appreciate how scary her future is looking.

Her treatment will not cure her cancer - it is inoperable (due to another, long-term life-limiting condition) and incurable, and the chemo is indefinite, or until it stops working. Not seeing my ds seems to be the only nod to advice she is choosing to follow, and that hurts. And yes, I do think he's an idiot for not having the vaxine yet, but when she acknowledges that she is going to be seeing the other dgc, going to the shops etc, it stings.

@MrsTerryPratchett

All the people saying it is the same transmission rate; everything credible I've read says the vaccine reduces transmission. Doesn't stop it entirely but reduces it. If people have another actually credible source which says the vaccine has no effect, can they link it?

TIA

It's the director of the CDC that said it initially, precisely for this sort of scenario. We now have data from highly vaccinated regions which show that transmission is happening at high rates between vaccinated people.
No one is claiming any longer that the vaccination prevents contracting or spreading the virus. It is very good though at preventing serious illness and worse. That's why I got it myself.

But it's also why getting vaccinated is now a personal health decision and not a public health issue.

So for OP's mum, she should be aware that vaccinated people may also compromise her health and not to rely on it.
Regular antigen testing for all her contacts would be more reliable, though of course probably not 100% either.

Sorry OP I cross posted with you.

It's an incredibly difficult situation, all the best to your mum and the whole family.

I'm sorry OP - it does sound like an awful situation and based on the info you've given I'd feel hurt too. Sending you all the very best - hope you somehow find a way to get through it all.

After reading your update I would not be pressuring your ds to be vaccinated on her account. It sounds like seeing him is her lowest priority.
If she comments on it you can suggest she might run into him when she's out and about, and the absurdity of her position might occur to her.

Thankyou for your thoughts, I appreciate the support/brutality.

We are all reeling at what is, whilst long-expected, a devastating diagnosis.

Maybe she is (understandably) angry that he has knowingly made a choice that puts her at risk. Maybe she takes it as a demonstration of how little he cares for her and is therefore not inclined to see him.

It makes sense that she would view the risks that go along with shopping, seeing vaccinated friends and family etc as unavoidable (if she wants to live a full life), whilst viewing your son as posing a very avoidable risk.

Maybe she is (understandably) angry that he has knowingly made a choice that puts her at risk

Ironically, it is exactly the same sort of choice she made many times a day for the last 50 years that has resulted in the terrible situation she is/we are all in now. That my sister and I begged her to stop. And the grandchildren. And I know that is hugely clouding my thoughts. But 50 years of being told that something is bad for you and continuing to do it is very different to 4 months of being eligible for something that might not be as amazing as it was first considered.

(And yes, yes he should still be vaxxed, as the overwhelming advice is that it has saved many lives, and reduced the effects of contracting covid. The rest of us are vaxxed up to the eyeballs.)