Chemo and unvaxed visitors

[Fuuuuuckit]

My mum starts chemo/immunotherapy on Monday, every 3 weeks, indefinitely.

She's told me she won't be able to see my 18yo ds ever again as he has so far not had the vaccine. However, she does intend to see my younger nieces and nephews who aren't eligible for the vaccine yet, but who are all at schools with covid rampaging through classes still.

My aunt went to the appointment with her and said the recommendation was that she should limit contact with anyone who is not vaccinated.

Her treatment will be reviewed frequently to ensure she maintains some quality of life vs side effects, but as far as we know will be ongoing indefinitely.

AIBU to feel resentful that she is putting so much pressure on my ds but completely ignoring the advice when it comes to other children?

@SoupDragon my dh has a stage 4 glioblastoma and will be on chemo therapy for the rest of his very short life.

You have no idea how many fucking times I have explained to family members that he is immunocompromised, he can get ill very easily and They. Do. Not. Get. IT.

It's so fucking wearing I could cry with frustration, so yes - that's why I'm nasty because it's lonely and hard and frustrating creating a self imposed prison, and the attitude that sensible precautions from medical professionals should be ignored when it doesn't suit has been so prolific that it's left me reeling. I used to think that people were fundamentally decent, the last six months has turned that on its head - people are arseholes.

It might have been nice if the OP phrased it as I don't understand why primary school children aren't considered the same risk as my teenage son as they are both unvaccinated, but they didn't - so I didn't feel the need to sugar coat it.

She should get to decide who she sees. Would she agree to see him if he isolated for 7 days and does LFTs in the 2 consecutive days before seeing her? Or could she talk to him out of the window?

[quote Muchtoomuchtodo]@JugglingJanuary I’m not even sure how autocorrect got that from youngsters! 🤣[/quote]
It's imaginative that's for sure!!
@Muchtoomuchtodo

Why isn't DS vaccinated?

If fully informed, your son's actions going forward (unless he has a very good reason) will say a lot about him.

I'm with you OP - I think her behaviour is illogical and is likely to drive your son away for no real purpose which is sad. Covid is currently rampaging through the primary school I work at, with loads of the children testing positive, so your poor mum will need to look at ways to meet family (vaccinated or unvaccinated) more safely by being outside where possible, asking people to test before seeing her and probably not getting too close for a while.

Banning unvaccinated people from being near her is just a way of showing disapproval at someone else's choices and acting in a morally superior way. It will not prevent her from getting Covid. From your son's perspective, he is at very low risk from getting seriously ill and in the prime age/gender demographic to suffer from heart inflammation from the vaccine, however rare this may be. I therefore don't feel any adult should be putting pressure on him to take this risk on their behalf. Good luck - I really hope your mum's treatment goes well & this problem resolves a bit as rates drop towards Spring. 💐

Banning unvaccinated people from being near her is just a way of showing disapproval at someone else's choices and acting in a morally superior way

The woman is about to start chemotherapy. This one of the most stupid things I have ever read on here. Yes sure that’s her main priority right now.

@Snoopsnoggysnog

Banning unvaccinated people from being near her is just a way of showing disapproval at someone else's choices and acting in a morally superior way

The woman is about to start chemotherapy. This one of the most stupid things I have ever read on here. Yes sure that’s her main priority right now.

I didn't say it was her main priority. Maybe she should hone your reading comprehension skills?😕 What do you think her reason is for banning unvaccinated people then, considering vaccinated people are also currently catching and transmitting Covid at extremely high rates? If she thinks she can avoid Covid by doing that then I'm afraid she's as badly misinformed as you obviously are!

Sorry, meant maybe YOU should hone your reading comprehension skills @Snoopsnoggysnog!

She is doing it because the medical professionals looking after her have advised it!

She is clearly very aggrieved that your DS has chosen not to have the vaccine - saying that she won't see him EVER again. Otherwise she would be prepared to compromise and say she would meet him outside in the garden/other outdoor space at a 2m distance in the next couple of months as the weather gets warmer.
As others have said, your DS has a choice and choices have consequences. He will no doubt find other consequences in due course. Presumably he's not planning a holiday abroad any time soon!

@WeeFae

She is doing it because the medical professionals looking after her have advised it!

Seems like questionable (and outdated?) advice and I really hope it doesn't give her a dangerously false sense of security. She really should be insisting on testing and meeting outside / distancing regardless of vaccination status if she wants to stay safe. To irretrievably damage a relationship with your grandchild over something that is not going to make a blind bit of difference to whether or not you catch Covid seems mad and short-sighted but each to their own I suppose.

@WeeFae

She is doing it because the medical professionals looking after her have advised it!

But why did they advise that if both vaccinated and unvaccinated are transmitting at similar rates? Would it not give her a false sense of security? Wouldn't neg antigen tests before meeting up be better, whether you're vaxxed or not? It just doesn't seem like the best way of protecting against infection.

@nojudgementhere

I'm with you OP - I think her behaviour is illogical and is likely to drive your son away for no real purpose which is sad. Covid is currently rampaging through the primary school I work at, with loads of the children testing positive, so your poor mum will need to look at ways to meet family (vaccinated or unvaccinated) more safely by being outside where possible, asking people to test before seeing her and probably not getting too close for a while.

Banning unvaccinated people from being near her is just a way of showing disapproval at someone else's choices and acting in a morally superior way. It will not prevent her from getting Covid. From your son's perspective, he is at very low risk from getting seriously ill and in the prime age/gender demographic to suffer from heart inflammation from the vaccine, however rare this may be. I therefore don't feel any adult should be putting pressure on him to take this risk on their behalf. Good luck - I really hope your mum's treatment goes well & this problem resolves a bit as rates drop towards Spring. 💐

Are you stupid? The woman is about to undergo chemo - I'd be lowering my risk in any way possible also. Besides she is following the advice of her own healthcare professionals. Unless you know better than them?

I am undergoing cancer treatment and think your mother is right to prioritise her health and follow medical advice, covid plus chemo can be fatal in the elderly. I can understand her saying she will keep contact with younger children who have no choice though I think she needs to be very careful with contact with them as covid is rife atm esp in schools. Even vaccinated I would be keeping contacts to a minimum and in safer places like outside unless her mental health is so poor she needs more contact. The lateral flows are better than nothing but when my DD got covid she was negative on one and some people say they have done them when they have not so I would not rely on those alone.

for Timeforabiscuit Your DH is lucky to have you and so sorry for what you are both going through. I find often only people with cancer understand and quite a few people think its much easier than it is or do not realise or care about the risks.

@TyrannasaurusRegina - Wow, you're very rude! No I am not stupid. At least not stupid enough to follow completely illogical advice regardless of who gives it to me. Maybe (if you're not stupid) you could try addressing some of the other points I've made rather than just insulting me?

I don't understand all the comments on damaging her future relationship with her grandson, if she's going on indefinite weekly chemo this is it until she is unable for chemo.
I went through chemo pre-covid and I was very lucky with my family and friends but a lot of my chemo pals were not. It's amazing the amount of people with medical degrees they never mentioned!
I'm really sorry you are going through this OP but now is really not the time to fixate on her attempt to follow the advice of the people she's hoping will keep her alive for longer and create bad feeling.

[quote Timeforabiscuit]@SoupDragon my dh has a stage 4 glioblastoma and will be on chemo therapy for the rest of his very short life.

You have no idea how many fucking times I have explained to family members that he is immunocompromised, he can get ill very easily and They. Do. Not. Get. IT.

It's so fucking wearing I could cry with frustration, so yes - that's why I'm nasty because it's lonely and hard and frustrating creating a self imposed prison, and the attitude that sensible precautions from medical professionals should be ignored when it doesn't suit has been so prolific that it's left me reeling. I used to think that people were fundamentally decent, the last six months has turned that on its head - people are arseholes.

It might have been nice if the OP phrased it as I don't understand why primary school children aren't considered the same risk as my teenage son as they are both unvaccinated, but they didn't - so I didn't feel the need to sugar coat it.[/quote]
I'm sorry to hear about your DH. It's shit. I've lost both my parents to cancer in the last 3 years so yes, I do get it.

The OP doesn't deserve nastiness though and it's possible to be straight talking without it.

This has brought the last 10 months flooding back for me so I'm off.

My DH is also undergoing chemo at the moment and the other side to covid that people don't seem to appreciate is that as well as being more vulnerable to covid, treatment will be delayed if he tests positive and that could affect his outcome from the cancer. Cancer is stressful enough without the added risk of covid on top. Your mother is absolutely right to minimize her risk of catching covid.

Let me put a scenario to you, OP....
A family has an older member (who is very frail anyway, but also CEV), the only parent left. One of the DCs lives abroad and refuses to be vaccinated.
Elderly person gets drawn into conversation by DC, and points out the choice might mean they will never see DC again. DC responds that they probably won't. When elderly person then says that DC won't even be able to attend their funeral, DC says no, they won't. Elderly person is left feeling terribly upset, and that DC is uncaring to say the least, and callous at worst.

Whilst not the same, the above is not so very far from your situation and that may well be the message your DM takes from it.
I'm struggling to understand why you feel resentful on your DS's behalf when he is an adult who can access the vaccine (and is choosing not to), whilst the younger members of the family do not have the choice yet.

@SoupDragon, .

Your mum should ask for antigen testing before close meetups with anyone, kids, teens, vaxxed, unvaxxed. It would be the best way of minimising risk.
If they had been available when I was undergoing treatment that's what I would have done.

While it would be safer for her to avoid the younger children, she is making a decision to balance her risk with her quality of life.

With the family member who is eligible to be vaccinated, but refuses, he has signaled to her that she is not valuable enough to him to be worth taking the vaccine. She knows that he doesn’t care about the relationship. Why should she take the risk If he can’t be bothered.

@Blossom64265

While it would be safer for her to avoid the younger children, she is making a decision to balance her risk with her quality of life.

With the family member who is eligible to be vaccinated, but refuses, he has signaled to her that she is not valuable enough to him to be worth taking the vaccine. She knows that he doesn’t care about the relationship. Why should she take the risk If he can’t be bothered.

I don't know the lad but I guess his thinking is like this. Taking the vaccine does not prevent me spreading covid. Taking the vaccine puts me, a young man, at a slighter higher risk for heart problems. Therefore, zero benefit does not outweigh tiny risk.