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Life-limiting illness

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Original poster

I can't bear it

71 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 08/12/2021 23:01

My mother is dying from pancreatic cancer. It's spread to her liver.

She's bedridden. There's nothing of her. She's so thin and bony now. Even her lips seem to have vanished.

She's asleep 99% of the time. Very little morphine. She doesn't seem to be suffering pain it seems but I still wish serene oblivion for her. I can't stand seeing her this way.

She's not eaten since Sunday when she had one of those nutritious shakes.

She's breathing rapidly and shallowly with an open mouth. Has been this way for three days now. Can't talk. Hardly ever opens her eyes.

She seems to have lost her reflex for swallowing and even when I try to give her water using those little sponge swabs, her mouth doesn't respond. It's very dry and I keep trying to put water on her lips and tongue using the swabs.

I can't bear it. Watching my skeletal mother almost pant and then it sounds like liquid in her chest which she clears and carries on breathing quickly.

The nurses say she might have weeks left like this. In a sleeping state but taking nothing on board in terms of food or very little water.

It's so distressing.

OP posts:

WLAH · 08/12/2021 23:04

Thinking if you. Its a difficult stage to watch

MrsCatE · 08/12/2021 23:06

I'm so sorry to be completely useless because I don't have any advice or same experience but just wanted you to know you've been heard x

CrimeJunkie01 · 08/12/2021 23:08

I am so sorry you are going through this. Maybe this might help put your mind at rest, it's only 4 mins long.

SprayedWithDettol · 08/12/2021 23:11

I’ve been there with my father. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I had to believe that he didn’t know what was happening. I hope your DM is not aware too. 💐

atleastitswarm · 08/12/2021 23:12

I am sitting by my dad’s bedside right now OP in the same position as you. There are no words. The night feels like it goes on forever. He is very agitated and uncomfortable, shouts out a lot. I feel like I’ll never unsee all of these things. You are not alone and I’ll be thinking of you on these nights, sending you love and care.

bloodywhitecat · 08/12/2021 23:14

I am so sorry. I have this to come as DH has bile duct cancer and I am fucking terrified. I know it is no consolation but holding your hand from afar right now.

Salome61 · 08/12/2021 23:14

So very sorry, I've not got any experience either, just to say I'm thinking about you. Do look after yourself too xx

Snooks1971 · 08/12/2021 23:15

[quote CrimeJunkie01]I am so sorry you are going through this. Maybe this might help put your mind at rest, it's only 4 mins long. [/quote]
Thank you x

Ozanj · 08/12/2021 23:17

With one of my relatives, when she got to this stage, it didn’t take as long as they expected. With her it helped to up the morphine as it stopped the panting and need for water. She died really peacefully in the end.

bluetowers · 08/12/2021 23:17

I've been there twice but for shorter periods. Is she in a hospice? If not, fight to get her in one. They are the best place to care for her. It's very very hard

madroid · 08/12/2021 23:23

I'd encourage you to contact the district nursing team and ask for a pain relief review just to check everything that can be done is being done.

Your darling mum may still be able to hear you. Keep holding her hand and talking to her.

You are doing so well and will be able to look back with pride and peace at all you have done.

It's the hardest part. My thoughts and prayers are with you

Thisbastardcomputer · 08/12/2021 23:25

I'm very sorry, we have had this recently our Mum died a few weeks ago, the situation you describe lasted about 7 days before she died

youdontnome · 08/12/2021 23:27

My mother was like this, its a horrible memory and I really feel for you, she went on for 7 days, but was on a morphine drive for the last 2. Its cruel and, in my opinion, there should have been something done to end her and our suffering before this. My thoughts are with you.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 08/12/2021 23:34

I'm so sorry.

For what it's worth, when my mother reached this stage it was about a week before she died. If your mother isn't taking in liquid, I doubt that it will be weeks as the nurses suggest.

MoonlightMedicine · 08/12/2021 23:35

Handholding. I've been there with my mum and I know what it's like.

@CrimeJunkie01 I found that video really comforting. Thank you for sharing.

TheOrigRights · 08/12/2021 23:49

I'm so sorry your Mum is in her last days. It's so, so sad to witness. I am sure she knows you are by her side.

We were with my Mum during her last days; it was a week for her, and as distressing as it was it did help me accept that it was her time and that has helped me over the years (coming up for 12).

bloodyhoodedeyes · 09/12/2021 00:08

Oh sending hugs I'm only a few weeks out from watching my father in hospital, very distressing and I hope it fades for me.

Could I ask the video link, a summary? What is it about before I click and watch it?

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 09/12/2021 00:23

I remember my Mum like this and a strange few days of me googling...... 'how do you know when someone is actually dying'. It was hard but I painted her toenails, and put on music and tv shows she liked and just tried to wait and be with her.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 09/12/2021 00:36

It was less than a week for my mum with her terminal cancer once she had reached the stage of no intake, cold hands and feet and very sleepy it was only a matter of days.

It was horrible to see her like that but as she was peaceful and not suffering I have come to look back on it now as a very profound experience that in some ways I don't regret. It was intense and emotional but I don't regret that time in fact. I see it as the final part of the journey and I feel lucky that she didn't die suddenly or alone.

All her children and close family came to her bedside and sat with her and read to her although I am not sure if she would have known but we all felt we were able to say goodbye.

Mum was in a hospice for her last week and they were amazingly supportive and we all felt much safer with her being there than the weeks when she had been deteriorating at home with us trying to manage which were scary. If you can get her moved to a hospice then I really recommend it.

Labellex · 09/12/2021 00:37

I’m so sorry OP, I’ve been through this and it’s so heartbreaking i can remember the sound so clearly. For us once the syringe driver was put in place it was over pretty quickly.

SantasGoodLittleGirl · 09/12/2021 00:38

I am very sorry. I remember my mum's last days. Like @Lessofallthisunpleasantness I googled 'how do you know...' repeatedly. Eventually the shallow breathing would pause for a while... and then for longer...

Wishing peace for your mother, and strength for you.

wildthingsinthenight · 09/12/2021 00:38

So sorry to hear this OP.
Take a look at Hospice Nurse Julie on Instagram. She is very comforting and helpful

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 09/12/2021 00:42

My mum had very little morphine before the syringe driver went up as she was not actually in pain but she had a little patch of being confused and distressed and we all agreed they should put it up and then she was peaceful but no longer alert at all. I am sure it did hasten her death and I am sure that was the right thing. The hospice were honestly excellent and I felt they got that just right.

Weatherwax13 · 09/12/2021 00:50

So very sorry for what you're going through. Idk where your Mum is, but if she's not in a hospice already I'd enquire with urgency.
When we finally got my mother into one, (care at home had been virtually non existent) they upped her morphine within an hour of arrival.
She slipped into what looked like a deep sleep, her body relaxed and her breathing became calm. I cried with relief.
She died really peacefully two days later.
I so wish she'd been taken in sooner as the preceding weeks were just terrible. She'd had a syringe driver for about 2 months but in my view, nobody was putting enough morphine in.
Do insist on knowing what's being given to her and asking if it's a good idea to raise it even if you can't get hospice care.

Missisip · 09/12/2021 01:08

Feel so sorry for you. Nobody should have to go through this. Are you having any sort of counselling?

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