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Original poster

I can't bear it

71 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 08/12/2021 23:01

My mother is dying from pancreatic cancer. It's spread to her liver.

She's bedridden. There's nothing of her. She's so thin and bony now. Even her lips seem to have vanished.

She's asleep 99% of the time. Very little morphine. She doesn't seem to be suffering pain it seems but I still wish serene oblivion for her. I can't stand seeing her this way.

She's not eaten since Sunday when she had one of those nutritious shakes.

She's breathing rapidly and shallowly with an open mouth. Has been this way for three days now. Can't talk. Hardly ever opens her eyes.

She seems to have lost her reflex for swallowing and even when I try to give her water using those little sponge swabs, her mouth doesn't respond. It's very dry and I keep trying to put water on her lips and tongue using the swabs.

I can't bear it. Watching my skeletal mother almost pant and then it sounds like liquid in her chest which she clears and carries on breathing quickly.

The nurses say she might have weeks left like this. In a sleeping state but taking nothing on board in terms of food or very little water.

It's so distressing.

OP posts:
frenchfancy81 · 09/12/2021 01:15

Must be just awful to see. Nothing I can say but so sorry and sending love and strength your way x

Original poster
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 09/12/2021 05:41

She was adamant she wants to die at home and not in a hospice.

OP posts:
Darkpheonix · 09/12/2021 06:00

Op I am so sorry. I my mum passed away last week, in different circumstances.

But when my grandad died, it was very similar to what you are going through.

As pp have said, in our situation once he got to that point, it was days. Not weeks.

I am so very sorry you are going through this. I have no advice. We just survived. Like I am just surviving now.

But I wanted to let you know I will be thinking of you.

Cocogreen · 09/12/2021 06:13

So, so sorry.
My dad died like this, as did my brother in law. Thank God, Mum with cancer died quietly and gently in her sleep.
So many of us have been through this and it's excruciatingly hard.
All I can wish you is grace and peace and strength.

THisbackwithavengeance · 09/12/2021 06:14

OP your post has made me cry bringing back memories of my own mum's death (not cancer but the death process you describe).

If it makes you feel better, my mum's death in a similar setting was very peaceful and serene. She just very gradually stopped breathing.

I second getting a review of her pain meds. I cannot fault the NHS for how they dealt with my mum and I hope your experience is similar.

Thinking of you OP.

atleastitswarm · 09/12/2021 06:53

We have made it to morning OP. Hoping you got a bit of sleep Flowers

HumphreyCobblers · 09/12/2021 07:03

OP I am so sorry you are going through this. I just want to say that I went through the same with my father this summer and I too thought that I would never stop thinking about it. But it hasn’t been like that at all - I remember my lovely dad alive and happy when I think of him. I do not dwell on his last weeks. His suffering in those days did not define his memory for me. I think of his happy personality.

My thoughts are with all of you going through the same .

Roselilly36 · 09/12/2021 07:15

So sorry you are going through this, it tears your heart out I know.

Recently lost my lovely MIL to cancer Flowers. I can empathise.

For us it was a relief, when she had passed and was no longer suffering, but then you have the grief to deal with.

Just take each day as it comes, and do whatever can to get through it. I hope you have a good support network to help you in the coming weeks & months.

thesunwillout · 09/12/2021 07:29

@bloodyhoodedeyes

The video link is very gentle and tells of what is happening to the body and the mind in those last days.
I'm quite comforted by it.

It may help you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

WomblingKnobhead · 09/12/2021 07:39

Hugs OP. This is so hard to witness. Last year I thought I was going to break watching my sister die. It seemed to take forever. You don't want them to go but you definitely don't want them to suffer. Don't be afraid of pushing for more mess to relieve suffering. I felt my sister did not have enough palliative meds and that thought doesn't leave me.

CrimeJunkie01 · 09/12/2021 19:54

How are you doing today OP?

Bagelsandbrie · 09/12/2021 20:09

Sending you lots of ❤️💐

I have been through this twice, with my Mum and my Gran - my Gran was like a Mum to me. It’s very hard. With my Mum I’m going to be honest here and say I just couldn’t cope with seeing her in the end. I’m talking the last day or so. She just looked so awful and I found it so deeply upsetting that I knew if I stayed and looked at her I would never be able to overcome those images, and I have two children who need me to be “there” for them. I wasn’t sure if Mum knew I was there or not so I made the decision to say goodbye at that stage and let the nursing staff look after her. 3 years on I don’t regret that decision. I’m not saying you should do that of course but I think it’s such a taboo thing to say I just wanted to share it.

Watching someone die is the hardest thing. 💐

Justaflippertyjibbet · 09/12/2021 20:19

My heart goes out to you having been in this situation with both my parents. I understand that the gag reflex is one of the last things to go. Can you get any help with the nursing from Marie Curie Nurses. They really helped my friend, particularly during the night times.

LindaBlinda · 09/12/2021 21:38

Sending love OP.

Had this very recently with my father.

The panting was the very last stage for us. And with no swallowing reflex I'd say it won't be as long as you're being told.

I drove myself wild googling signs of death. It felt such a long wait, but now it's all in the past it seemed quite fleeting, even after a long illness.

Make sure you've said all you need to say. I know it's exhausting, I hope you have plenty of support coming in to home for you. X

Original poster
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 09/12/2021 22:18

She's gone. 4.30pm. Peaceful but it feels really sudden.

OP posts:
TheDogsMother · 09/12/2021 22:26

I'm so sorry Shoulders. Thanks

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 09/12/2021 22:30

May you find some peace in the love she grew you in.

I’m so sorry Flowers

CrimeJunkie01 · 09/12/2021 22:33

Massive hugs. Just to say, whatever you are feeling is OK. My dear NNa died a few days after Christmas, she was in hospital and unconscious from boxing day and we didn't have a Christmas. The day she died we all went to my Mums and somehow, and I'm not sure how it happened, we ended up cooking a full Christmas dinner and spent the day laughing and crying at memories of her. It sounds weird but it felt right. There is no right or wrong way to handle death. It always comes too soon even if you were hoping for the person to be at peace.

I hope you manage to get some sleep and I'm so sorry for your loss.

DramaAlpaca · 09/12/2021 22:34

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

BitterTits · 09/12/2021 22:37

I'm sorry OP. I've been there Flowers

Norugratsatall · 09/12/2021 22:43

Oh OP. I'm so very sorry to hear this. Sending condolences. 💐 I lost my mum to pancreatic cancer nearly 7 years ago now in very similar circumstances to yours. Mum's passing was very peaceful in the end and I hope your mum's was too. Be kind to yourself for the foreseeable. X

50ShadesOfCatholic · 09/12/2021 22:45

Oh @ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I'm so sorry. Your mum died today, it is an enormous loss, unfathomable really.

You described the agony of the last days so eloquently, really brought back to me the days of sitting with my sister. Gut wrenching but which have in time, once the trauma passed, become so precious.

You were with your mum when she needed you most.

Sending so much love x

Pattygonia · 09/12/2021 22:46

Flowers for you and for your lovely mum x

AntiHop · 09/12/2021 22:47

So sorry for your loss op. Do you want to tell us a bit about your mum? Flowers

bumblingbovine49 · 09/12/2021 22:51

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

My mum had very little morphine before the syringe driver went up as she was not actually in pain but she had a little patch of being confused and distressed and we all agreed they should put it up and then she was peaceful but no longer alert at all. I am sure it did hasten her death and I am sure that was the right thing. The hospice were honestly excellent and I felt they got that just right.
This was the case for my mother too. She had a very very short period of being distressed but once she moved to injections of sedative she basically slept for 4-5 days . She was in a care home where the carers and nurses did the hard work and my sister and I along with my niece and nephew took turns to sit with her. We had a comfortable reclining chair and just took turns to talk and sing and read and just sit with my mother , hold her hand etc. We sometimes slept as bit as well. I remember it as a difficult time but also moving. Incredibly sad and yet not at all tramatic . I remember it now as a privilege to have been with her as she took her last breath. The home were absolutely wonderful and I would say my mother had the best death you can hope for .

It really did help to have people there with pain relief and sedatives etc immediately available as soon as it was needed literally within minutes. The doctor had set it all up about a week in advance when it became clear my mother did not have much time left and it made such a difference.
There was some rattling noise as she breathed but not much and I had experienced this more with my uncle so it did not upset me too much as I knew my mother was as comfortable as possible . She wasn't in distress or pain . I honestly think if she had died at home it would have been far far more difficult for all of us