Still the storm

[Willowkins]

Continuing the support thread - mostly for the partners of people living with terminal cancer - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/life_limiting_illness/3266385-The-calm-before-the-storm?pg=10

@notapizzaeater it has been 15 years and more since my dear man died, but I saw your last and wanted to let you know that the death in service is usually very quick.
My DH used to joke that when he died (he had a terminal diagnosis when we got together and he stuck it out for another 7 years, stubborn little bugger) he'd make it on the 21st, which was the date he got paid.
He only bloody did as well. 21st December and he had bought all my Christmas presents by then. I think his death in service benefit came through in the first week of the New Year. As I recall, his manager brought the cheque round herself to make sure I was OK.
That probably won't be possible any more but it was very kind of her.

@Cattermole thank you for that 😀

This brought back memories nota and a bit of a lump to my throat if I'm honest.
I loved the flowers and nearly ran out of vases. And the food - people brought loads. We were put on the church rota and I didn't cook for 2 weeks. People were so kind.
I don't know how much the funeral cost. I know I paid no church fees. All the celebrants gave their time for free. The music was provided by a friend with a guitar and and amp. The wake was provided by the church. So I guess I only paid for the funeral and the flowers.
As for Death in Service and all that. Some of it was quick. The final payment was just a few weeks ago. It's horrible that the paperwork takes over but the push to get it over and done with gives us a different focus away from our grief. There will be time for that don't worry. If I had one piece of advice, it would be ask for bereavement when you call the bank, utilities etc. They're specially trained and it really helps.
We're all still here for you.

@notapizzaeater Gosh there really is so much to do and think about, I'm pleased you can have more people though. I'm also shocked that you needed to pay so much up front, thank you for mentioning that. I will try to start putting something aside, it's bloody expensive.

I love flowers but gin and chocolate is probably more useful, your song choices are beautiful.

@Willowkins I can't believe you are still sorting things still. I hope you and the young willowkins are doing ok, it must be difficult reflecting back. I am so grateful to all of you for being so open and honest in your posts, especially as someone who is expected (can't quite say going to be) a young widow. I'm very fortunate not to have dealt with death on such a personal level up to this point (I have been with patients throughout their end of life care).

Anyway I hope you are both doing well.

Don't forget your widow's benefit from HMRC. It has a time limit for claims. To get the full amount, you must claim within three months of your DH's death:

www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment

Sorry, that was for notapizzaeater

Oh god @notapizzaeater. I just, I’m so sorry xxx

www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment
@notapizzaeater the payment is not means tested and very quick and easy to pay for and will give you a lump sum.of at least £2,500. I got it a few days after applying.

When you have the death certificate you will be able to ring the registrar and arrange a telephone appt to register the death. You will be able to order death certificates- I ordered 6 but only used 1- in these covid days most organisations are accepting emailed photos of certificates. The registrar will explain about the Just Tell Us Once service as well, which enables you to notify lots of organisations at the same time (HMRC, DVLA, Council tax etc).

Death Certificates cost £8 so good to know you won't need many of them.

@joystir59 that's good to know as I'd been advised to get lots of copies 😀

We will qualify fir the bigger bereavement payments as DS is just 18 and still claiming family allowance which will help.

@notapizzaeater so sorry for your loss.

We have received the news we were dreading today, the leukaemia has already returned two weeks after the last lot of intensive chemo.

So he's not going to make it to transplant and there are no more treatment options available to us.

My two year old son has weeks to live.

@blindspots omg, I'm so so sorry. Words just aren't enough. Wish I could give you a hug.

Thank you @notapizzaeater, especially since yours is so raw too.

We are 98 days from diagnosis. My other two children have their birthdays soon, one in the next 2 weeks and the other in 10 weeks from now.

He has a couple of good weeks in him if he is lucky according to the consultant.

How the fuck do I do this?

@blindspots
I'm so sorry. All I can suggest is to try and focus on each day, one day at a time, on taking pleasure in the every day ordinary little routines and things you can still do with and for your little boy. And perhaps let friends and family help with practical stuff like shopping, cleaning or cooking so that you can spend your time and energy with him. Sending you so much love. I hate cancer.

Bitter sweet day, I've managed to register the death and order the certificates. £35 each if you want them quickly ! Omg ..... I've ordered 2 'quick' ones and 5 (3 week) ones @ £11.

Spoke to the bereavement allowance line, spoke to one credit card company and then found a bank notification service which tells them all in one go !

Set up a just giving page for the hospice as 'due to COVID' we can't have a plate at the service ......

Well done @notapizzaeater. You are doing an amazing job.

I can barely bring myself to say the words "end of life care" and "funeral arrangements". How the fuck do I plan a funeral for a two year old?

I fucking hate COVID too, it makes it so much harder

@blindspots I don't think it's actually hit me yet tbh, I'm good at juggling and organising 😱😱

They are still trying to get the syringe driver to cover the pain after stopping the IV narcotics so that we can leave.

It's heartbreaking

@blindspots once the syringe driver has the right balance of drugs in it made it much easier. DH was in such pain and agitated before. Hope they get you sorted soon to escape x

notapizzaeater I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to read this, I follow this thread periodically (I'm 4 years down the line) and recognise your name.
The last however will have been so hard for you, the next however is a different kind of hard. Keep going, accept help, allow yourself time and space to grieve.
And yeah, I totally agree on the flowers - I love getting flowers, but multiple bouquets when you've so much going on. Someone sent me a potted rose, that was lovely.
Can't believe how much the death certificates are, dh's were £2 each 4 years ago.

blindspots I just can't being to imagine, I wish you all strength going forward.

Once he's comfortable we are going to bring our daughters in to say goodnight (and possibly goodbye). If he keeps escalating there a chance he'll go tonight or tomorrow

How is he now @blindspots? I've been thinking about you all day.
Sending you love and strength, for what worth they are.

@blindspots thinking of you and sending you strength and love 💗