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Original poster

Heart wont accept it..

24 replies

Ludoole · 13/04/2015 23:41

I know dp is terminal but i suppose in my heart i cant really accept it. Its all just words to me. My head is full of the facts but i cant dont want to relate them to my wonderful man.
I still think about growing old and doing all the things we talked about it..the life we had planned.. I dont want to give up the hopes and the dreams we made together...
I know i will have to but im not ready to.

OP posts:
QOD · 13/04/2015 23:44
Flowers I guess it's human nature that we always hope? Sorry you're facing this
thehumanjam · 13/04/2015 23:44

I'm so sorry :(

badRoly · 13/04/2015 23:45

Sorry you are going through this x

BehindEveryCloud · 13/04/2015 23:47

?? no words but my heart goes out to you. I hope you find strength in these dark times.

Eyespy24 · 14/04/2015 06:18

Ludoole I am so sorry & know what you mean. Sadly I lost my mum at the weekend. It still doesn't feel real. I can't believe I'll never see her again.
It is a cruel cruel illness.

Original poster
Ludoole · 14/04/2015 09:59

Eyespy so very sorry to hear about your mum Flowers. Thinking of you.

OP posts:
Eyespy24 · 14/04/2015 18:50

Thanks Ludoole.

JugglingLife · 14/04/2015 18:55

Human nature Ludoole. It's OK to just live in the day I think, enjoy every single one with your DP. Do you want to tell us about it?

Original poster
Ludoole · 15/04/2015 15:23

Juggling Dp is stage 4 bowel cancer with liver and lymph mets.
On the plus side, today we finally got around to making an appointment to register our intent to marry Smile
Its a pain working round hospital appointments and palliative treatments but at least we are working towards our next goal of being husband and wife.

OP posts:
lessthanBeau · 15/04/2015 17:13

glad to see your still looking to the future, it won't ever seem real, and you won't ever accept it, we spoke in January we both had bad news on the same day, I was looking for a post from you to see how things were going . sadly my dB passed away on the 28th march. I could never accept it or come to terms with it even on the day he died. much love to you and your oh, cherish every moment, especially the small things that seem insignificant at the time, I've found these are the things that are always popping into my head to make me smile every day. xThanks

Original poster
Ludoole · 15/04/2015 23:18

Lessthan So very sorry to hear about your dB Flowers.
Im glad you have memories that enable you to smile every day Smile I hope i will too.
Your love for your db was palpable and i cant imagine how hard things have been.
Take care of yourself and i hope you find peace within your memories x

OP posts:
JugglingLife · 16/04/2015 13:54

He must gain such strength from you Ludoole, how are you today? How wonderful about the wedding, have you made any more plans?

Original poster
Ludoole · 17/04/2015 01:04

Juggling Its been a good day Smile
Stomach pain has eased, his blood sugars have settled and his stoma has started working again (his chemo affects all the above). We went for a short walk and im hoping he finally sleeps well tonight!
We've decided we both want an intimate wedding with just very close immediate family.
I love days like today where the cancer takes a backseat in our lives. I almost forgot how ill he is. The only giveaway today was when i looked at him and saw how painfully thin he is.

Thankyou to you all for being here Flowers

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/04/2015 01:11

(((hugs))) for you Ludoole - it's the worst feeling. My mum died of bowel cancer nearly 8 years ago, and we sat with her through her last night. Around 3 or 4am, I thought "this is ridiculous, her heart is so strong, she's fighting - why don't they stop all this nonsense and DO Something?? They must be able to DO SOMETHING!" Of course they couldn't - she had liver mets as well - but it was a very strange moment. She died around 7am; it was very difficult to believe she had gone, and for days afterwards I thought (cliché alert) that it must all just have been a bad dream. I dreamt she was alive a few times - that was hard too.

I hope you get your marriage sorted out quickly, and I hope that you get more happy memories in. xx Thanks

Staywithme · 17/04/2015 02:10

I'm so sorry Ludoole. I can relate to what your going through as my DH died from cancer four weeks ago and it still doesn't feel real. He was diagnosed two years ago and people seem to think that I should have been prepared for loosing him. Bull shit! It's still a shock.

All through his illness, there were times that we could almost forget that he was ill, then something would happen and we'd come down to earth with a bump. We dealt with it by always having something to look forward to, organising charity shows, renewing our vows, going away to shows and staying in hotels, just sitting in a cafe drinking coffee.

If you have good stuff, like your wedding, to look forward to, it stops you looking too far ahead to the bad stuff.

I hope you have a wonderful wedding. Flowers

PaleoRules · 17/04/2015 03:25

Ludoole, I'm so sorry to read your OP. My best friend of 25 years is end stage bowel cancer and it's breaking my heart. She's 45.

It's such a cruel disease.

We have spent the past few weeks making memories but it's been so hard at times.

I can't bear the thought of life without her.
My heart goes out to you x

JugglingLife · 17/04/2015 07:04

Paleo, Stay, Thumb, Ludoole, hugs and Thanks. I think living life 'in the moment' is a lesson that we can all learn, unfortunately it's often a life changing event that forces us to do it. Ludoole I'm so pleased you had a good day. Tell us more about the intimate wedding, did you set a date yet? What will you wear? Restaurant afterwards? Here's hoping for another good day today and some more beautiful memories for you to carry forward in your journey.

MrsTedCrilly · 17/04/2015 11:04

So sorry you're going through this Flowers I just lost my dad to stage 4 lung cancer and I'm only 30. Horrible disease taking our loved ones too soon, like a parasite. You sound like a strong, positive woman who clearly adores her partner, he is lucky to have you supporting him. Take each day as it comes as he might be with you longer than you think.. Don't think about the end as you will deal with that at the time. Good luck with your wedding plans Smile

whatisforteamum · 17/04/2015 12:29

ludoole i am so sorry you are going through this.It is not quite the same but my dear Dad spoke to me this week about the fact his chemo hasnt worked this time on his incurable cancer.Infact its in his prostate lymph nodes bladder and ribs and spine now.
He told me he may have to stop driving which is unimaginable to me as he loved driving and took Mum everywhere when her eyesight was lost in one eye from her chemo.
Cancer is cruel and we just enjoy the silly things now as so much has revolved around hospital for the last 3 yrs for them both.
Its not the same as you are obviously younger i just want to burst into tears when i think what they ve been through.
Best wishes to you on your wedding day and some "good days" ahead for you both :) x

Original poster
Ludoole · 18/04/2015 03:34

To the people who said i was strong, im really not... im juggling dp and his terminal cancer, my advanced alzheimers dad, my depressed mum and 2 boys (12 and 15)
Yesterday was a great day but today not so much....
I guess its the nature of illness...
Today i dont want to be here.. im sick of living like this. I have no one i would call a real friend...extended family dont give a damn..
I suppose tomorrow is another day and i'll hope that its easier..
Thank you all for your lovely comments. I wish you all hope for the future. Xxx

OP posts:
JugglingLife · 18/04/2015 08:17

Ludoole, one step at a time. You have to be the tower of strength for everybody else but underneath, you're madly paddling, you'll cope because you have to. Do you have a friend in real life where you can vent? Try not to hold it all in, even if it's on here it may help a little to get it all out. The suns shining here today, hope it is for you too.

Staywithme · 18/04/2015 11:43

Oh Ludoole, I'm crying for you. You will be told constantly to stay strong because people don't know what else to say and, in my opinion, because people don't know how to deal with your pain. You don't have to 'stay strong', because you and I know it's all fake. I still get told this and my answer is "I'm not strong, I'm breathing, putting one foot in front of the other and doing what needs done, but I'm breaking inside".

Please come on here and talk when you need to. Unless people have nursed their DH/DH partner through this and witnessed the suffering they've gone through then, for the best will in the world, they will never understand. I worked as a health care worker for over twenty years and was often told that I was very good with empathy. I realise now that it was all bullshit and I had no idea what the poor families were going through. Only you know how you're feeling and you're entitled to get upset, cry, shout and fall apart. I hope you're feeling a little less distressed today. (I won't say better because there's no such thing at this stage) Flowers

Staywithme · 18/04/2015 11:43

Sorry I meant DH/DP.

Dowser · 18/04/2015 22:58

All your stories are so heartbreaking.

I just hope your loved ones pain has lessened and whoever they are, wherever they are, tomorrow is a lovely day for them .

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