2
Hi biscuits. Hmm. A tough day indeed.
Don't despair. Without wanting to sound trite, I guess there will be days like this. Is this the first time the chemo's made you feel so rough? Do you think it's the cumulative effect, a different dosage/concoction, or just 'one of those things'? I don't know enough about the treatment regime you're on to advise but let's not assume it's always going to feel like this. I know of a number of friends who've gone/are going through chemo & who've found each session has a different effect, some making no discernible difference & others really hauling them roughshod over the proverbial coals.
Don't be so hard on yourself, either. I marvel at the amount of energy you've had to date while dealing with this blasted thing you're facing! If there's one thing that (my own, very different) illness has taught me, it's that preservation of self and conservation of one's resources is an absolute priority. I'd never had to think before about personal resource management but it's something I've really had to learn to incorporate, in planning for things, in not planning for things, & just generally in living my day-to-day life. I can do a lot/many/most things I want, but not in the blind, thoughtless way I did BC (before-Crohn's). Now I have to think about and strategise how best to juggle everything, otherwise I risk taking on too much and ultimately just crashing & burning. In this respect, for you, I'm heartened to hear Mr Biscuits was able to step in while you rested today. Does his job enable him to be a bit flexible? Great if so, as you may need this kind of crutch for the next wee while.
I think your brother's visualisation idea is a clever one to help you through the new-style morning sickness! Much like pregnancy (!), it's like a necessary evil you've got to go through to get to the other side/over the rainbow, to a newer, better, fixed "you". No pain, no gain; that sort of idea. I guess my situation (though in many ways very different) is similar.
Speaking of which, I'm doing ok (thank you for asking). My family help has withdrawn this week so am back up to almost-normal mum-duties, which is nice but also hard. I'm having to think carefully in advance of any plans whether I can cope/manage (& in my own head I used to be a real go-getter who thought she was invincible so - trust me - it's hard to adjust to my new reality!). Physically, I'm feeling much stronger, just one month on from my surgery, but I'm still not back to "normal", yet, and s'times the challenges of family life can be very draining! Psychologically I'm in a better place than I ever thought i'd be when I initially hit my rock bottom. I have to cope with an ileostomy (stoma & bag) in the short term, as most of my large intestine has been removed. This has been a huge hurdle to overcome but I've surprised even myself by coping pretty well in the circumstances. The hope is that the ileostomy can be reversed in a further operation later this year, when my small bowel should be reconnected to (what remains of) the large, at the lower end. The hope is that, with a modicum of adjustment, I'll be able to function relatively normally thereafter. But it requires more major surgery, so my current phase is all about gaining strength and resilience, fattening myself up, improving my nutritional status, and - well - just healing. I know we're in very different camps in terms of our respective conditions, but I see many similarities and parallels. Perhaps that's why your story touched me so much. That, and the fact we were going through our respective issues at the same time not long after giving birth to our beautiful DDs!
Anyway, Biscuits, enough about me! This is your thread and I respect that fully. I just want to be able to provide what support I can, based on personal experience and - to some degree - a feeling of knowing where you're coming from. Other (wonderful Mumsnetters) here have more direct experience of your condition and at times I worry that I can't/don't say/post the most helpful things, but i aim to support/guide/empathise/sympathise/handhold - and I just hope that is enough.
Stay strong and don't let days like today cloud your remarkable vision.