To parent or not to parent

[SaltyLemon]

I’m 25, lesbian and live alone with my gorgeous cat. I’ve wanted a family for as long as I’ve known myself, the plan was to be married and had my first kid by 23 but I’m soon 26 and single.
Only came out to my family a year ago and they’re very narrow minded and religious- so you can imagine how that went down.
I’ve wanted IVF (even though I’m not that keen on the donation side of things) however it starts from £9k after proof of trying 10 times yourself.
Would it be responsible to adopt or foster? Should I wait? Should I get a donation from facebook? I feel like my time is running out, as stupid as it seems… before I came out as lesbian a few years ago I was very active with males, never used protection and I know I wasn’t trying for a baby but I never even had a pregnancy scare…
I think I’m just ranting into the void but I just wish I had kid.. ᴖ̈

You definitely arent running out of time but doesnt hurt to look into adopting/fostering. There are so many children who need a loving home (and you sound like you would make a great mum)

The Facebook donation thing freaks me out a little bit. Those pages keep coming up on my feed and I have no idea why - I am heterosexual in a relationship with a kid already! But, no judgement if thats how you decide to go. I just think the not knowing true medical background etc is concerning.

Also the donators could surely come back
at any point demanding to see the child? I dunno the legality of it

Don’t do sperm donation outside of an official clinic, not only do you not know their STI status they could also gain parental rights of any resulting children.

You’re only 25, so yes you can get the ball rolling now, but you also do have lots of time. I adopted as a lone parent when I was 29.

Adoption, foster or donor via a clinic think about the practical things, do you own or rent, how much effort would be required to child proof your home. Finances, can you afford to work part time if your child cannot cope with fulltime childcare etc.

Time is running out?? Girl, you're 25! Ask your GP about fertility options. Some regions offer fertility treatments for free on the NHS. You might be better with IUI than IVF - way cheaper and less invasive. They'd use an agency for donor sperm, which gives you a lot more legal stability, plus they run health checks for both of you. They also give counselling to help you tackle conversations about donors with future children.

I got pregnant with donor sperm at 31, and have a gorgeous baby boy now. It's me and my dw on our own with him. We have no family nearby helping out. So far, it's manageable, but it's not easy.

We still rent, but are looking to buy soon. Money is very tight since maternity pay isn't great, but it'll be better once he qualifies for child care and I can return to work. I worry about how to approach talking to him about his donor, but there are a lot of studies showing children of donor sperm can have as good overall life happiness and outcomes as children with two bio parents. The important part is to be really open and honest from a very early age.

Good luck with whatever you decide, but I promise your clock is not ticking. Fertility levels are reasonably stable until your mid to late thirties. I'd definitely talk to your GP before you start, though.

I would really truly focus on getting every aspect of your life together first, because you’ve definitely got the time. Get on (or higher up) the property ladder because it’s a bastard getting a mortgage once you’re paying childcare. Get your pension well-sorted. Get some ISA savings as a financial buffer. Save so you can work PT while your baby is little or in case you get PND and can’t work for a while after mat leave runs out. Save for a private doula to accompany you to the birth. Build up good standing at work so they know you’re good at what you do because you will be doing all sick days and holidays by yourself which can ruin your professional reputation. Upskill and AI proof your career if needed. Build a network of positive friends outside of your family (who don’t sound like they will support you raising a baby). Get as many ducks in a row as you can because you’re preparing to be a single mother and future you will thank past you for sorting as much as you can so your first 5-10 years of motherhood are as straightforward as possible. Revisit the pregnancy plan when you are 30. If you’ve done all of the above you will be able to afford the IVF/AI using the sperm bank if needed.

You are young. My MiL had DH when she was 46! You don't need IVF at this point, just artificial insemination with a reputable source. And yes to PP points, have a permanent job with solid maternity and parental leave policies (which ideally you have also seen used!) And have secure housing, you dont want to be at the mercy of a dodgy landlord with a small baby.

Having unprotected sex is very irresponsible, are you sure you are prepared for the responsibility of a child. You will have to put someone else first for the next 20 years of your life and make better decisions, it's not just about the cost of conceiving.

Are you sure you want to do this alone? You've got time to find a partner and it will be easier as a couple.