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LGBT parents

This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

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Original poster

I'm a woman who married a woman but I don't think I'm gay?

57 replies

HollyLondoner · 21/11/2023 14:16

This may sound ridiculous but I'm still so confused about my sexuality. I'm 32, married to a woman and I've recently had a baby via treatment.

Before I met my wife 6 years ago, I thought I was straight. I'd had long term relationships with men and had plenty of sexual partners too (all men). I then met my wife traveling and I completely fell for her. Head over hells. I assumed I was bisexual but never looked at a woman like that before.

We got married 2 years ago and I've just had a baby. I'm so happy in my baby bubble but things don't really right with my wife. Again this may sound stupid but she cut all her hair off and I find it very unattractive.

While I was pregnant I suddenly had no sex drive and I still don't. We've had sex once since I had the baby but I feel like I suddenly don't fancy her.

I drive myself nuts on the night feeds thinking what an I doing!? Is this internalised homophobia or am I just not that gay!? There's something in me that feels like I failed and I never had the life I imagined for myself. We were very happy before I got pregnant.

I think I also find it hard that she really struggled with me being pregnant and having the baby. She was very jealous that it was her as her treatment failed. She was angry she couldn't be on leave and took it out on me for weeks. She jokes about "knowing her place" and "providing" which she doesn't want to.

This may be ramble but any help would be lovely!

OP posts:

LizziesTwin · 21/11/2023 14:19

Regardless of sexuality, being pregnant & breastfeeding affects your sex drive. I don’t know how long ago you had your baby, try and enjoy your new family with your wife, it’s a period of big adjustments for both of you.

Cas112 · 21/11/2023 14:21

I dont think this is about your sexuality, it just sounds like your not attracted to her at the minute or lost your sex drive, either because your hormones are all over the shop since the baby or because she is being pathetic saying things like 'I know my place' and the kicking off is now making you feel different

TotalOverhaul · 21/11/2023 14:30

It's biologically very wise to feel repulsed by sex for a few months after having a baby - so you don't end up pregnant again too soon. Your body can react this way even though your wife can't get you pregnant. And it doesn't help that she is resentful rather than supportive.
You need to chat and find your affection, respect and support for each other again. Have fun, as a family of three - then see if your attraction returns.

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 21/11/2023 14:30

I can't comment on the attraction aspect, but I lost all libido while breastfeeding (came back after about 3 years, when he finally dropped to morning feeds only)

I presume it's something to do with my body trying to make sure I don't get pregnant again too quickly..

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 21/11/2023 14:44

Yep, I have to say ‘internalised homophobia’ isn’t the first thing that came to my mind.

Rather I think you have a big relationship issue with your dwife being jealous And resentful of you having carried the baby.
The constant comments would be enough to put anyone off sex tbh.

Plus of course, you are bf’ing, probably sleep deprived, touched out. So ec any reasons why women are going off sex after giving birth.

None if it is about you having failed.
But if you both have the spare capacity, you do need to talk about your relationship, your role as mothers to that baby and how to find your balance again as a couple.

Original poster

HollyLondoner · 21/11/2023 14:53

Thank you very much for the comments so far.

My little boy is almost 4 months so it's recent so I'm very tired but absolutely loving motherhood.

She had what I would call a breakdown when she went back to work after pat leave. She handed her notice in, then retracted it. She said she wanted to quit and spend all our savings being off with us. She's been all over the place if I'm honest. I've been very honest with her in the respect of saying I need stability and we'd always agreed I would have a year off and she would continue working. She was more than happy with this but said she didn't know how she would feel until he arrived.

I don't think she was excited as me when I was pregnant. I would tell her the baby was moving etc and it did feel a bit lonely. She jokes about being better than dads out there but she's wrong I'm afraid. I know plenty of friends with male partners that help more.

She bangs on about being equals and none heteronormative but I do 99% of the care so that's not the case.

OP posts:

Shakeylegs · 21/11/2023 14:59

Would it be helpful to take the question of sexuality out of it, and instead think about sexual attraction to your wife?

Isn’t that the issue? If you’re not attracted to her, it doesn’t really matter who else you might be attracted to, or what sex those people are.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/11/2023 14:59

I think plenty of /almost all certainly straight women in heterosexual marriages feel this way just after having a baby

Original poster

HollyLondoner · 21/11/2023 15:05

@Shakeylegs yes I think you're right. I think it's just about her. Would it be that simple as to her cutting all her hair off and me hating it?

I also don't feel sexually attracted to anyone right now!

OP posts:

Original poster

HollyLondoner · 21/11/2023 15:07

For me though it's very much about personality. You can be super attractive but if you're not being kind, I feel very uninterested!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 21/11/2023 15:08

I think you have a relationship problem. Your wife sounds abusive and immature. Abuse often rears its ugly head during pregnancy and following childbirth.

Original poster

HollyLondoner · 21/11/2023 15:11

@mathanxiety a few people close to me warned me about her controlling behaviour. I did actually leave before we got married but I was I was so unhappy apart, I let it go.

Now these are all the worst bits and usually we have so much fun together but maybe she doesn't like my attention is now elsewhere aka with a baby.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/11/2023 15:11

I wouldn't want to shag her either. She sounds like not an OK or equal partner or parent. Add to that BFing, and honestly, my sex drive would dry up.

Cosywintertime · 21/11/2023 15:13

mathanxiety · 21/11/2023 15:08

I think you have a relationship problem. Your wife sounds abusive and immature. Abuse often rears its ugly head during pregnancy and following childbirth.

Why do people go to these extremes. Sne is not abusing the op. Just stop.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/11/2023 15:16

I think there’s a lot to unpick here. It’s pretty normal for libido to dry up and to find your partner off putting or annoying when your hormones are all over the place and you’re exhausted from looking after a new baby. But why aren’t you taking shared parental leave? I can understand why she’d feel resentful of you getting to spend an entire year at home with the baby whilst she goes to work, especially if she wanted to be the baby’s biological / carrying mother as much as you did but was unable to because the IVF didn’t work. Is sharing the year not up for negotiation at all?

Original poster

HollyLondoner · 21/11/2023 15:17

She can be very controlling but I'm also very passive and laid back but I often don't stand up for what I want.

I just don't feel very cared about and I'm sad our relationship seems to have changed.

I'm wondering what I can do to improve things?

OP posts:

Original poster

HollyLondoner · 21/11/2023 15:18

@ComtesseDeSpair I was more than willing to do shared leave but she didn't want to. She said she enjoyed her job and didn't actually want to be pregnant but just wanted a child. It's too late to do shared leave now as she isn't eligible as started a new job.

OP posts:

saffronsoup · 21/11/2023 15:20

I think that if for an almost five year period you were sexually aroused by her, sexually attracted to her, and enjoyed an intimate mutually satisfying sexual relationship…that you are bisexual.

It seems this is really a relationship issue, not a sexual orientation issue.

Ebokebok · 21/11/2023 15:20

HollyLondoner · 21/11/2023 15:05

@Shakeylegs yes I think you're right. I think it's just about her. Would it be that simple as to her cutting all her hair off and me hating it?

I also don't feel sexually attracted to anyone right now!

If your depth of feelings for her runs as shallow as her style of haircut, then it seems like your relationship is doomed.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 21/11/2023 15:20

This sounds very complicated! Two women who both wanted to be pregnant and one not succeeding; the partner who feels pushed into a societal role she didn't want (the provider, normally male); you having time off with the baby, which she would also like; your loss of attraction to your wife; her unpleasantness towards you, justifiable/understandable or not; pregnancy and breastfeeding; your confusion about your sexuality; and pardon my ignorance but was the baby's egg yours or your partners (as in, is that another potential source of complication?)? PLUS you have a baby who's probably waking multiple times in the night and needing almost all your attention.

When life gets this stressful, I always try to pare it down to the bare minimum. Is everyone eating enough? Are you getting as much sleep as you can get? Is there a source of income? Have you covered the basics with other important people in your lives? If the answers to this are all yes, give yourselves a break. You can't stop thinking about stuff, but you can choose not to make any decisions, you can choose to slow down your thoughts and not race to conclusions, you can take the time to think about everything from all perspectives, you can choose to cut everyone (including yourself) slack. Just go slow. There are no emergencies here. You have got a LOT of things to think about, each of them deserves time. Take it.

(Also, everything is worse in the middle of the night. Don't waste nightfeeds worrying!)

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/11/2023 15:23

HollyLondoner · 21/11/2023 15:18

I think you need to revisit this and communicate about it all properly. Perhaps with a mediator or relationship counsellor. You said in your OP that she “was very jealous that it wasn’t her as her treatment failed” and “jokes about "knowing her place" and "providing" which she doesn't want to” - whatever you may have agreed before the baby arrived, she clearly isn’t happy with what has turned out and that’s driving an enormous wedge between you. Neither of you are going to feel very loving and sexy towards each other when there’s this huge mismatch in how you want the relationship and your lifestyle to be.

CHRIS003 · 21/11/2023 15:23

Maybe she is struggling with how she fits in and her new role ?
She says she wants to be off work with you and baby and you say you do 99% of the care, how much time does she actually get caring for the baby on her own ?
Perhaps you could express milk into a bottle so she could share some night feeds for instance let's 77

cheezncrackers · 21/11/2023 15:29

There is so much to unpick OP that I'm not surprised you're questioning your relationship and your sexuality. Were you ever attracted to any other women before your met your DW? I know several people who are bisexual and all had relationships/dalliances with both sexes from the age they became sexually active. I know some women realise in later life that they've been gay all along, but they usually were aware on some level that they were suppressing a part of themselves in order to conform with heterosexual norms. Did you ever feel like that? Did you ever look at women in a sexual way before you met your DW?

As for your relationship - well there's a lot going on isn't there?! You just had a baby, so it's not unusual that your sex drive has gone AWOL, plus your DW doesn't sound like a great partner and co-parent. She was jealous it was you who got pregnant, she was disinterested in your pregnancy, she's jealous that you're getting a year off on maternity leave while she works, you called her parental leave 'pat leave' so did you mean paternity leave? Unusual slip if so. Then there's the fact that now she has short hair you don't find her attractive, you don't feel cared about AND your friends warned you that she is controlling.

What can you do? I think relationship counselling is probably the best thing you can do - particularly with someone experienced in same-sex relationships.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 21/11/2023 15:31

Is the haircut linked to her statements about knowing her place and not wanting to to be the provider (ie the traditionally male role?) As in passively aggressively saying you want me to be the man, so here you go? If so that would be a very big reason you don't like it, because it's a fuck you.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 21/11/2023 15:58

She bangs on about being equals and none heteronormative but I do 99% of the care so that's not the case.

And being annoyed and going off your partner in those circumstances would be considered pretty normal in an heterosexual marriage.
Esp if you add to that the control side of things .

Id say YOU should get counselling. Not you together but yourself, on your own.
A-mix of someone who has controlling tendencies, is saying one thing and its opposite (I’m jealous I didn’t get pregnant and I’m taking it out on you whilst also saying that i don’t want to take paternity leave etc… isn’t logical) with someone who is laid back and doesn’t quite know how to assert themselves is a dangerous mix.

I wouldn’t try and have counselling as a couple first in those circumstances. Get clarity fir yourself first. Then maybe consider couple counselling, depending on you feel about everything.

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