I'm a woman who married a woman but I don't think I'm gay?

[HollyLondoner]

This may sound ridiculous but I'm still so confused about my sexuality. I'm 32, married to a woman and I've recently had a baby via treatment.

Before I met my wife 6 years ago, I thought I was straight. I'd had long term relationships with men and had plenty of sexual partners too (all men). I then met my wife traveling and I completely fell for her. Head over hells. I assumed I was bisexual but never looked at a woman like that before.

We got married 2 years ago and I've just had a baby. I'm so happy in my baby bubble but things don't really right with my wife. Again this may sound stupid but she cut all her hair off and I find it very unattractive.

While I was pregnant I suddenly had no sex drive and I still don't. We've had sex once since I had the baby but I feel like I suddenly don't fancy her.

I drive myself nuts on the night feeds thinking what an I doing!? Is this internalised homophobia or am I just not that gay!? There's something in me that feels like I failed and I never had the life I imagined for myself. We were very happy before I got pregnant.

I think I also find it hard that she really struggled with me being pregnant and having the baby. She was very jealous that it was her as her treatment failed. She was angry she couldn't be on leave and took it out on me for weeks. She jokes about "knowing her place" and "providing" which she doesn't want to.

This may be ramble but any help would be lovely!

That is indeed a possibility.

It doesn't sound like a sexuality issue to me. It sounds like pretty normal stuff when you've just had a baby, exacerbated by a partner who is not pulling their weight. as for the hair... well, I won't lie, when DH first started growing his hair, it really turned me off! . I'm over it now, but I really found it difficult for a while!

Post baby, most women are knackered, touched out and just generally not in the mood for sex. This is made worse if they are also feeling resentful because their partner isn't helping or their partner is treating them badly or their partner is threatening to do things that will mess with their financial stability. all of which seem to be the case here.

Try writing down all the reasons you are unhappy. The things she's said/done or not said/done and then look at them objectively. I bet none of them are to do with her being a woman and all of them are to do with issues in your relationship.

@cheezncrackers I don't think I found women attractive before her, no. But when I met her I was instantly attracted and just went with it because I was besotted.

Apologies on the pat leave. I only used this term as this is what both of our works called it and it was the 2 weeks statutory rather than unpaid parental leave.

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight that's an excellent observation. She did say she wanted people to know we were a couple as a lot of our neighbours didn't realise and we're both quite feminine looking but yes maybe it is. She has said she thinks I want her to act like a man but I think this is often the dynamics with one being on maternity pay and one working.

The mad things is, I think she thinks our relationship is completely fine and says she's happy. We had a massive talk where I balled my eyes out and told her everything and I think now she thinks I'm fine. Regarding the being attracted her I said I didn't know if I was attracted to woman and that I have no sex drive which she was fine about.

@NotLactoseFree thank you, that's very wise! ❤️

I think she probably has a lot of difficult emotions she’s processing in regards to not being able to conceive and carry your child, then seeing you do what she couldn’t and being resigned to the stereotypical “father role”, missing out on being with you both because she has to work, there’s probably jealousy, sadness and confusion about where she fits in and what her role is.

Not saying she’s going about it the right way, but I think being in her position I would find it very difficult. Would couples counselling help?

I don’t think your loss of attraction to her is because of your sexuality, you were sexually happy with her for many years, it’s probably hormones, fatigue and issues in the relationship. A lot of women in heterosexual relationships complain about going off their partners after they’ve had a baby.

This could absolutely be the issue. I'm bisexual but I'm only attracted to fairly masculine-presenting women. A girl I was obsessed with when I was in my early twenties I met up with a few years later for a chat and she had long hair and was dressed much more femininely. I didn't fancy her at all! It makes sense that the opposite can also be true. But I imagine it's combined with all the other issues people have pointed out.

I am a woman married to a woman which three kids who I carried (some my egg, some hers) and I think pregnancy + childbirth + feeling unsupported and her disinterest in the pregnancy would be a huge turnoff regardless of sexuality. It’s hard to have a libido post birth even in perfect circumstances.

Is the baby your DNA? It sounds like on top of jealousy there is probably some insecurity (wanting to give notice and spend all her time with you, better than dad jokes, etc) about her role maybe? I can see if she wanted to experience pregnancy that it’s a tough season for her too, but taking it out on you will absolutely drive a wedge.

@Bobbatea3 thank you for your message and congrats on 3 babies! They are my eggs as it was IUI rather than IVF.

I do think she is struggling with her role and where she fits in. It feels as though she's at a real crisis in her life. She wants to quit her job one minute, then she likes it, then she wants a new career. Someone mentioned about threatening unstable finances and that's really hit home. It made me feel so fragile as all I need it stability and kindness right now.

I have no issues with her not loving the baby but she was very offended when the baby would be instantly soothed by me or if I mentioned he will be more attached to me at the beginning.

I know she'd hate mat leave and be bored in reality. She spends time with him in the evening and weekends but I am very much the one (nicely) telling her what to do.

That should say no concerns she doesn't love the baby!

Also I think nothing screams I'm having a crisis more than going from very long beautiful hair to getting a buzz cut! She did it the same time she was an emotional wreck but is sticking with it. Sorry if that sounds insensitive but that's how I see it!

Wtf. Why was my message about hair deleted? You keep mentioning it, so it's clearly a factor.

Do you think if she was an amazing partner ..no jealousy and silliness...supportive...if she cut her hair do you think youd still fancy her? Xxx

The opposite can be true...im bi and love long hair on women, im just not into buzz cut..short hair etc...unless its sue perkins oc 🤣

It sounds like you are both having a bit of a crisis. She wasn't able to get pregnant and you were, and despite her saying she just wanted a child, the fact that she tried to get pregnant at all would suggest that at least at some point it was what she wanted. Now you are getting the traditional female perk of maternity leave while she is going out to work and assuming the traditional male role in parenting. She's jealous and possibly the haircut thing is part of a fuck you, either directly to you or as some sort of response to how she's feeling.

Meanwhile you are in the hormonal minefield that is early motherhood which will be throwing off your sex drive and mood in general. So I wouldn't panic too much about that side of things, it's normal in heterosexual relationships too for sex to take a back seat after birth, and nothing to worry too much about.

What I would be worrying about is the communication side of things. It's clear she is angry to have been thrust into the 'male' role and is missing out on the maternity leave and mothering that you are getting to enjoy. My husband felt quite similar actually and we did shared parental leave for that reason, by most men are sort of mentally prepared to be the one going out to work and your wife just wasn't and even though she suggested it, she's clearly now unhappy. I'd feel the same in her boat to be honest, you're in the little 'mum' bubble enjoying your mat leave, but she's a mum too and she feels like she's missing out. It's causing resentment for her which is causing you to feel unsettled and unsure of your feelings about her.

I wouldn't dwell too much on the sexuality side of things, maybe you're gay or maybe youre bisexual, or maybe you just fell in love with this one woman, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you were happy before and you probably can be again but you both need to start communicating properly. She's saying not getting pregnant and that her going out to work are ok, but she's showing you that's it's not ok. Similarly you aren't saying things to her that you should be.

Don't most women go off sex for a bit after having a baby? Especially if they have a partner who is not much help.

@mrmagpie thank you that's very well put. Actions do speak louder than words after all! Yes we need another very honest conversation and this baby has brought up a lot of things for my wife.

This woman has narcissistic traits.

Of particular note is the chaos making, which is abusive. Threatening your sense of financial security when you are vulnerable, have no childcare arrangements, and would find returning to work very difficult from a practical and emotional standpoint is not ok. This is a huge red flag.

Her jealousy is another mark of the narcissist. Of course the baby settles with you. Being offended at that is completely unacceptable. She seems to feel that the baby owes her some validation.

Quite honestly, I think you're seeing a side of this woman that is a much more accurate reflection of her character and personality than you have seen in the initial attraction and honeymoon phase of your relationship.

Were you 'swept off your feet' by her?

Actions do speak louder than words after all!

Yes and I don’t think she can at the same time say she is upset at taking in ‘the father’s role’ AND not really getting involved in looking after the baby (needs to be told what to do, not more engaged than most men etc…)

I appreciate that if she wanted to have a child herself and now she has to adjust to her role as a mother but Wo the chance of staying at home with the baby, it will be hard. But in the other side, she decided to not take parental leave and to change job which makes it impossible fir her to do that!

Thats not something you can solve for her though.
You can discuss the best way to approach parenting and your roles in the relationship. But it needs to start with her knowing what’s important fir her and to act that way too.

Hi there, @Ebokebok - apologies - we have undeleted your post now.

Leave and move in with family.

She is abusive. There is nothing you can do about that tendency to be controlling. You are not causing her to be controlling. You can't control her tendency to behave like that. Above all, you cannot cure it.

You've gone through a completely planned pregnancy, with clear plans and clear, agreed roles for the baby phase and your maternity leave.

Now she has moved the goalposts and is trying to make this newborn phase all about her, her needs, and her internal conflict. This is a classic abusive pattern. It's a stunt majnly pulled by men, but obviously narcissism, and the need for a partner to become a satellite in orbit around the narcissist, is not a personality defect associated purely with men.

@mathanxiety my parents aren't alive and I only have a sister that lives far away with her own family. I have plenty of friends here but family isn't an option. Her family are extremely close knit and local and don't have a very healthy relationship! She doesn't everything they want and we see them A LOT.

You can take that to the bank.

You're seeing the real individual here, and it's telling that your friends saw her clearly earlier in the relationship, when you were in love and maybe not ready to accept the truth.

Was it a whirlwind romance? Did you feel swept off your feet? You mention you had had relationships with men up until this one, and you came back to her before the wedding after leaving for a while. Narcissists can be incredibly charming, very magnetic. You can feel completely sucked in by them.

I wonder if your wife may be going through an emotional conflict herself? Wanted to get pregnant, but couldn't, had only statutory 2w leave and feeling conflicted about how she perceives herself vs. societal stereotypes - being pushed into a 'male' role. It may be that she's struggling to define the role of a female parent who didn't give birth and that haircut etc. is a manifestation of that. I wouldn't necessarily think it is an f-you kind of gesture - more like a scream for help, trying to force herself into a role she is trying to build for herself in your family. If she's unsure how to tailor that role to herself and your situation, and all ideas of parenting are based upon traditional gender roles - I can see how she can feel deeply conflicted.

@Boska23 I think you're right. She doesn't know where she fits in and is struggling with this.

I really want to make this work and I'm surprised by the comments as I thought people would say I was being unfair. I remember her saying how would I feel if I had to go back to work after 2 weeks but surely that is redundant as I'd just given birth and was recovering from that and 9 months of pregnancy!

I know there are some bigger issues here but I want our old relationship back where we had a lot of fun. Maybe it's the mundanity of it all. I personally have no issues with new life with a baby and love it.

Her breakdown over work was very badly timed and made me feel very vulnerable. She now is enjoying her job again but this is still niggling with me and the little comments about me on mat leave do keep coming.

Yes I suppose it was quite a whirlwind with me moving to another city to be with her after only a few months.

I know my wife struggled with the secondary role the first year (regardless of DNA) It’s natural for baby to be more attached to you! It hurt my wife when people would constantly say the babies wanted their mum. I asked about DNA because I know at first that gave my wife confidence in the connection that took a year to develop (much like with a dad.) Eventually, all the kids went through a phase where she us the favourite during the toddler years. It evens out. Now it’s a non-issue.

my wife is 100% supportive, hands on, changed every nighttime diaper (as I exclusively breastfed) and I was still touched out from breastfeeding and had no libido. I would have been actively turned off if she was unsupportive.

I think honest conversation and communication is in order (easier said than done). My wife didn’t want to experience pregnancy and experienced all that, I’m assuming it’s compounded for yours (and I wonder if it can fully be healed without therapy or her having a pregnancy?)