I'm a woman who married a woman but I don't think I'm gay?

[HollyLondoner]

This may sound ridiculous but I'm still so confused about my sexuality. I'm 32, married to a woman and I've recently had a baby via treatment.

Before I met my wife 6 years ago, I thought I was straight. I'd had long term relationships with men and had plenty of sexual partners too (all men). I then met my wife traveling and I completely fell for her. Head over hells. I assumed I was bisexual but never looked at a woman like that before.

We got married 2 years ago and I've just had a baby. I'm so happy in my baby bubble but things don't really right with my wife. Again this may sound stupid but she cut all her hair off and I find it very unattractive.

While I was pregnant I suddenly had no sex drive and I still don't. We've had sex once since I had the baby but I feel like I suddenly don't fancy her.

I drive myself nuts on the night feeds thinking what an I doing!? Is this internalised homophobia or am I just not that gay!? There's something in me that feels like I failed and I never had the life I imagined for myself. We were very happy before I got pregnant.

I think I also find it hard that she really struggled with me being pregnant and having the baby. She was very jealous that it was her as her treatment failed. She was angry she couldn't be on leave and took it out on me for weeks. She jokes about "knowing her place" and "providing" which she doesn't want to.

This may be ramble but any help would be lovely!

Yes I suppose it was quite a whirlwind with me moving to another city to be with her after only a few months.

@HollyLondoner I think you have been sucked into the orbit of a narcissist.

What made you leave for a while before the wedding?

@mathanxiety her controlling behaviour and me confused about my sexuality. Mainly talking to a few close friends who told me to leave.

I think I need to get over the sexuality but it does creep up a lot as this life isn't what I expected but I love where I live, my job and my baby.

It sounds like I'm saying our relationship is shit. I think we both have issues and it's a tad co dependent but until this year, we'd had mainly the best time.

@mathanxiety yes lets armchair label a women narcissistic while she is experiencing infertility and checks notes has jealousy of a pregnancy and wants parental leave to be with her child 🙄

just take a gander over to the infertility boards and see how the straight women react to other people’s pregnancies

@HollyLondoner if you’ve had a generally good relationship I’d focus of current communication. Babies really change relationships, even strong ones where no one is conflicted, which isn’t the case here.

@Bobbatea3 the OP's friends called this woman controlling long before she experienced the disappointment over pregnancy.

The chaos making is classic narcissism. It's a way of refocusing the new mother's attention on her and away from the baby and any notions she might be developing that she is central in her own life.

@Bobbatea3 you know I agree that the dwife has ‘good reasons’ to struggle.
But then she should be dealing with it. Like going to counselling, talking to the OP. Going to see her GP if she had a breakdown.

Whats not ok to take it out on the OP, to make her feel insecure. To say one thing but do stuff that says the opposite (I’m struggling to be the ‘second’ parent who goes to work but I still do step up to actually look after the baby and spend as much time with him as possible). To blow hot and cold. A constant Yes, No dance around her work/her role as a parent.

The first few weeks after giving birth are time when a woman is particularly vulnerable. She should have been right there supporting the OP.
esp as she knows very well that the OP has little support network around her where they are vs to her (no family for example)

@HollyLondoner did you really have the best time if you had enough doubt to call it a day for a while and if you thought she was being controlling with ‘a tad’ codependent relationship?

@LeRougeEtLeNoir I agree, which is why I said her behaviour would drive a wedge for me and be a turn off, and said I think communication and counselling is in order.

however, I am always wary of internet armchair diagnosis from a couple hundred words of info. OP is already experiencing a huge life change, I don’t think labelling her partner a narcissist with a few anecdotes that are pretty easily explainable in context is helpful. A counsellor or psychiatrist could do that if it’s actually the case.