our donor just pulled out :( :( :(

[partenope]

this is devastating, our donor just pulled out … we’re totally lost. We’ve been in touch for almost a year, met over the summer, and started ttc in October. It turned out one of us has pcos and we’ve been going through fertility treatment. It’s our first cycle on Clomid, we’re almost there and the follicles are growing beautifully, and then, we just got that email ? ? ? ? ?. That’s so devastating, there’s no guarantee whatsoever. The guy seemed patient and committed, but well, no guarantee. Not sure if we want to go the donor path once again after this experience. One more scan tomorrow and probably green light from the fertility nurse, what a shame ? ? ?

I am very sorry to hear this. And I am sure you will find another donor. Did he give you a reason? And no, there is no guarantee. Good luck, I hope you find a way forward

Hi rhetorician, many thanks for your kind words. we are so lost and heartbroken. the nurse today said we should begin ttc from today, we didn't tell her what happened. so scared they will tell us we are waisting everybody's time, and so devastated. the donor pulled out for personal reasons - felt depressed and felt he needed support of friend and family, so went home (abroad), just like that. so the story, we feel there's something more to it, but nothing we can do. we first met in August and he always stressed he was willing to help us as many times as needed and was kept in the loop as to when the big moment could be this month, but well, he just pulled out yesterday, just like that.

absolutely no idea what next - how can we trust anybody else after that? and we couldn't afford the full fertility treatment in a private clinic. Looking for a new donor now, but so many second thoughts ... That guy was a big part of the equation, this makes us think how unpredictable things may be at any stage. can't stop crying

To be fair, there could be all sorts of reasons, but that he feels there's no point sharing them. Was he to be a known donor? We had similar with ours, and I think it's not unusual for a donor to have a change of mind. It's probably better in the long run for the change of mind to happen before a pregnancy rather than after. It's tricky and disappointing, but humans a complex and this is a very complicated thing to do. Good luck!

That's rubbish for you - sorry to hear it. Is there some reason you've decided not to go for NHS treatment? We had IUI on the NHS to have our daughter (had to buy the sperm from a clinic but this was relatively cheap compared to full private treatment).

Yes agree with brogue. We have known donor, and I think it's good for the girls (we have two), but in all sorts of ways I think that donated sperm would have been simpler.

we very much wanted to have a known donor, as we so would like the child to know about their origins from an early age. However, with PCOS we never know when the 'big day' is going to be and certainly, not in advance, and this requires somebody really committed and reliable and of course patient and understanding, with no commitments abroad etc.

We also begin to realize that it's going to be very difficult to reconcile the Clomid treatment with using a known donor - you can't take clomid for ages and it also doesn't always work (multiple foliccles, etc), and this time (our first time) it worked beautifully and yet we are stranded, what guarantee there is next time the new donor will be truly available on such a day? Our previous donor let us believe until the very last moment that we was willing to help, there were no warning signals whatsoever. This damaged our trust so badly, and really makes us think about what options, realistically, we have ... :(. We did not know you could do IUI on the NHS and we are still not ready to go down that route (looking for donors now ...), and in any case, we would be afraid that they would kick us out of the clinic as we might appear not serious to them now if we suddenly 'change our mind' and start asking for IUI? there doesn't seem too much room for dialogue in the clinic either, probably the time pressure from so many patients

Sorry your donor pulled out. I'm not an expert on genetics, but if he's telling the truth and has depressive tendencies, it's probably for the best that you're not using his genes. And if he's lying, it's definitely for the best (not sure whether lying is hereditary, but it's not a character trait you'd want the father of your kids to have, surely).

Hope you find someone else.