Been cut off

[Snowinsummer]

I have 3 children. My eldest came out as trans in her second year at uni (2022). We were hoping this was just a phase - it wasn’t. After toying about getting dodgy estrogen from the internet, she signed up privately in the UK and also got her body hair lasered. She changed her name by deed poll last year and we have been using this ever since even though I especially, do not agree you can change your gender.

She was in a relationship with a nice trans woman until Easter & since they split up (her choice) our relationship has gone down hill and I now believe our entire family including her younger brothers, have been cut off. She’s moved up north & has a new job but we don’t know her address and she’s not responding to any of our messages. She has a new group of friends and I think they are influencing her. She was due to come on holiday with us all a few weeks ago but she just said she wasn’t coming. I’ve tried a few neutral messages but have had no response. Although I don’t agree with how she’s living her life I thought our relationship was strong enough to transcend it. After it was clear that it was not just a fad I was being respectful and trying to use her new name & pronouns. I am so upset

So if your son is going to cut you off anyway then what is the point of pretending?

His need to be a victim is stronger than his need for a mother take a breath step back and continue to respect his wishes as much as you can

This ideology encourages estrangement, so in a way it was inevitable. Sorry to sound cynical, but I am going through a very similar experience and am at the angry stage. We were so, so very close but second year of uni the same thing started happening. I never agreed to use the pronouns and I gently questioned it all. It doesn't seem to matter what stance you take though. I'm sorry for what you're going through and I hope you find a way through to him.

Thank you for your replies - I am very grateful.

With most situations, I know the way I want to try to handle it but with this I’m stumped. Intelligent reasoning doesn’t work and whoever said it was a cult has hit the nail on the head. The private clinic who prescribes the medication is solely out for the money & counselling was only recommended not obligatory.

I did get a quick reply to a question yesterday (first response in nearly a month but I did text, WhatsApp and ring for this). But no answer to how she is. I haven’t asked for her new address - should I do this? I don’t know whether to message daily or just keep quiet & hope she eventually misses her family.

I don’t think she’s coming home for Christmas now she’s got her new ‘friends’ and this whole situation is really affecting me mentally (I keep crying & not being able to sleep). I am also going through cancer treatment & she doesn’t ask me how I am and she hasn’t seen her gran (who lives locally & has dementia) for 5 months.

Is it possible that there's more going on?

My sibling is trans. We have been nothing but supportive, respectful, using preferred pronouns, name etc. which are all now legal - birth certificate and passport changed. But they have always been quite manipulative and spun a narrative to others that is simply just not true, to suit their agenda.

Last year, my husband, other sibling and I supported my trans sibling through a significant life change/event in every way - they were homeless, penniless and in poor health and we supported practically, financially and emotionally. In this situation, we later became privy to the other party's perspective, and saw hard evidence that just didn't tally with what my sibling was telling us (police reports, property damage etc.) As soon as they were challenged on this, without us withdrawing any support, everything changed. They upped and left, very quickly found a new partner and circle of friends, and told them all that my husband, other sibling and I were transphobic (we absolutely are not) and abusive (also not!) to them and thats why they dont have any contact with us any more. Truth is, they just didn't like being called out on their behaviour.

Creating a narrative in their own head isnt a new thing, they had an old online presence in the earlier days of Facebook where they referenced being an inpatient on a mental health ward and detailed their whole experience and created an entire persona around this, all of which was untrue.

I have long suspected my sibling is autistic, and there has always been a need to control situations as part of that. I also, having had them living here for 6 months, strongly suspect a personality disorder too. They are very selfish, and rarely think beyond their own needs. My sibling also seems to move from very quick, intense relationships to new, equally intense relationships with partners/friends without maintaining any connection with the previous groups. And now this seems to include family too.

In short, nothing we did or didn't do caused or could have changed this situation and the door is open for them to resume contact when they want to.

I can't imagine how much more difficult this must be to be losing your child. How may she respond to being asked outright as to whats wrong and why isnt she responding?

This no matter what you say or do, will never be enough for them

It's so hurtful that your child is not there for you when you need them. Please try to make time for yourself. I know that's easier said than done. Focus on your health if possible.

I did send a message in the end. Not sure if it’s the right thing to have done:

I need to tell you honestly how I’m feeling because I’m finding all of this incredibly painful.

Over the past few months I feel as though you’ve gradually cut yourself off from us. You haven’t seen Gran for ages, you weren’t with us at Easter or for your birthday, Father’s Day passed, you didn’t come to my special fundraiser concert, and then you decided not to come on the holiday we’d booked and paid for back in January for our pearl wedding anniversary. Through my cancer treatment I’ve also really missed you checking in regularly and coming to see how I’m doing.

You no longer answer my calls and often my messages are left unread. And now I’m scared you may already have moved up north without saying goodbye, without telling us where you’re living or much about your new life and job. I honestly feel like I’ve lost you.

Part of why this hurts so much is because I know what it feels like to have family who are emotionally absent. My own father spent so much of his life abroad with his other family, and I often felt that I didn’t really matter to him. Your dad and I have also experienced a great deal of distance and lack of support from his parents. But I never imagined I would feel that same kind of distance between you and us.

I know we don’t always agree on everything and I’m sure there are things you’re unhappy or hurt about too. But I always believed the love between us was strong enough to get us through disagreements and differences of opinion.

I’m not saying this to argue or make you feel guilty. I’m saying it because I love you and miss you terribly. I feel completely shut out of your life and I’ve been crying most days because I feel so bereft.

I don’t expect everything between us to be perfect. I just want a relationship with you and to know that I still have a place in your life.

I love you. ❤️❤️❤️

Good luck xx