Struggling with my son’s behaviour, boundaries.

[Sailawaysallyblue]

My 19 year old son iis away at university, he came out to us a year ago. He as far as I know has never had a relationship as such but he is on the apps. I am a bit sad I’d I’m honest and wish he had a boyfriend or at least was going on dates. He won’t use the preventative medication that is available ( he said he is less likely to get HIV because of his position 😳) , that was more information than I wanted!

He is incredibly rude to us and while I don’t want to share too much he is very difficult to be around. The more we do the more disrespectful he is . I don’t think he would ever contact us if it wasn’t for money tbh .

I also feel really uncomfortable with the fact he will come home do absolutely nothing to help out, be incredibly disrespectful and rude. (I am too embarrassed to share) details and spend his summer meeting up with random men on apps. We live in a relatively small town and I am already worn down by his behaviour over the years.

The thought of him coming home shouting abuse at me is frankly more than I can take .
I have never met anyone with less empathy.

Unless his behaviour is any way linked to how he perceives you feel about his sexuality, the fact that he is gay/on dating apps isn't really the point. Would you feel differently if he was on apps meeting random women? I'm not insinuating you're contributing to the issue but do you think he feels like you might resent or judge his behaviour/choices and is reacting?

Even if it is the case, he's an adult person behaving like an asshole. What's he like with others, is it just you, or everyone in your household?

I'd be tempted to take a more generic line, in that if you cannot ALL be respectful of one another in the home then the arrangements are going to have to change. And stop giving him money unless it's covering essential costs like housing and tuition materials - that might sharpen him up a bit.

Teenagers..

Why are you tolerating him shouting abuse? I'd pull him up so hard it'd give his grandchildren a wedgie. It's your bloody house and he is a grown man. He should speak to you with respect or not come home at all.

His sexual behaviour is none of your business, I'm not sure why you are conflating the two. You don't have to let him come back if he's abusive to you.

He doesn’t know how I feel about the apps, I have said it would be lovely to meet someone and things like that. I wouldn’t like my son to be meeting random girls just for sex on apps either ( I don’t think that happens often ) when he is living in my house. There would be a date involved usually I expect. Possibly it’s because he can lay around all day, not even do a simple task, say the most shocking things to me, be physically abusive then say at 11pm I going out because he has a hit on his phone.

Is that what anyone would want for their son.
I hoped after he came out he might get better but he is worse if anything.

Also the fact he won’t take the health issue seriously. Possibly I am just too worn down to cope anymore. He has hurt me at times,I am ashamed to say that I have covered up for him.

He is an only child , we are both worn out and I don’t think my husband would care if he never came home again.

Your son is verbally and physically abusive. You don't have to tolerate this. Tell him to shape up or ship out.
The fact that he's gay or has an active sex life is neither here nor there. Also, who is desperate for their kids to settle down at 19?

The misogyny is very hard to take and I wish I could tell him to ship out @ScholesPanda . How do I even do that when he has nowhere to go.

How misogynistic is he?

It’s only to me ,it’s a living hell @ProudAmberTurtle .He physically hurt me quite badly last time he was home and I am dreading it . My husband doesn’t want him to come back.

What's with saying you want him to go on dates then complaining he's meeting men from the apps? Those are dates presumably?

I don't really know what his sexuality and you talking to him about what anti HIV meds you think he should take has got to do with his rudeness and unpleasant behaviour?

If he's horrible and rude tell him he's not welcome until he treats you respectfully. He's an adult and you should treat him like one.

Who he dates and whether he's gay aren't really any of your concern though.

I had a very difficult childhood which involved the worst type abuse , he knows my life story and thinks nothing of shouting out the most dreadful things at the top of his voice.
I am broken at this point.

So he’s physically and verbally abusive to you? That’s the real issue here.

But I totally understand your fears for him, I’ve sadly known a few gay guys who behaved the same and did end up HIV positive but manage it very well. In some cases there was drug use involved too which I do think made them behave quite badly to others. How long has your son been hurting you?

@BrickProblems I am very ashamed to say quite a few years but he is so strong now and I am just broken.

Chuck him out. And what gay has to do with anything

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this OP.

I'm also struggling to see why you apparently shouldn't care that he is meeting randoms for sex hook-ups, not dates (in the traditional "get to know someone and see where it goes etc" sense), and won't practice safe sex. We don't stop wanting our children to be safe and happy just because they are legally adults.

The abuse sounds awful. I appreciate it's not the same thing but when my daughter was regularly violent, it was me she turned it on. I didn't stop loving her but I knew it wasn't acceptable. Thankfully she was younger than your son and not as strong as a male who has gone through puberty.

Perhaps your son is pushing boundaries to see where they are. Without something changing - a boundary being established - he's got no incentive to change any of his behaviour. I don't think you can put in any boundaries regarding his sex habits (except don't bring app "friends" into the house - but it doesn't sound like he is doing), given his age but (as difficult as it will inevitably be) I would consider telling him that if he hurts you physically again, he can't live at your house. The emotional abuse is also bad but is that perhaps tied in to him using you as a "safe" space to work through his emotions? I'm not suggesting it's OK, it's really not. But is it perhaps a teenage shitbag phase?

For clarity, like you, I would feel the same about unsafe sex with randoms (and a seeming lack of desire for anything else) regardless of the other person's sex. Hopefully that too is just a phase, but the unsafe sex bit is obviously a worry.

That’s awful, I’m so sorry. I think he’s an adult now and it’s time he was told that you are to be treated with respect and kindness. No physical or verbal abuse or he will be out on his ear. Your husband and you need to be a united front. He’s a grown up bully and he needs telling straight. Not angry, just straight.

Also it’s not your shame. It is his.

Tell him you will call the police if he touches you again, and mean it. And that he is not welcome in the house if he is verbally abusive. Where he goes is his problem at this point, maybe some of the boyfriends will put him up.

You could tell him this before he comes home and say it's up to him, but if he can't meet those minimum requirements he need not bother to come back. You cannot put up with this behaviour a moody teen is one thing this is beyond anything acceptable.

Is he paying for accommodation in his university town over the summer? If he is, tell him to stay there and get a job.

If he comes home, tell him the next time he is abusive towards you, you will call the police. And do it, and follow through.

What would they actually do though?

You are a victim of domestic abuse. Call the police if he lays a finger on you again. Call a women's aid charity for advice. I wouldn't be happy if my child male or female was living in my house and meeting random strangers for sex. You and your husband need to tell him to leave.

Is your DH his father? Does he know the extent of the abuse towards you? Is your son violent to him? Sorry, I'm just trying to understand where he stands in all this.

The fact he's gay and his sex life are immaterial. He's violently abusive and this will continue until you make a change, because so far all he's learned is that he can do this without any consequences.

What would they actually do though

You said 'He physically hurt me quite badly last time he was home'.

If he has physically harmed you, he can be charged with assault.

I really feel for you. What an awful situation to be in.

Honestly, I think he needs to be told that he can't come back home at all now, given how he behaved last time he was home. I'd focus on his insults and how he physically hurt you. I'd rather pay towards his rent in his uni town than have him home. It's really shocking that he uses your awful childhood against you.

As for the HIV thing - that's down to him in the end. He sounds like a complete idiot, without the common sense to figure out that he's the one that will suffer. I'm sure he'll get a shock with another STD that will take him to a clinic, where hopefully they can talk sense into him.

How is he doing at university? It's hard to imagine he's polite to others there and giving his work in on time.

Yes he is @Uricon2 , we have both really tried and most of the time it’s when he is at work but he has seen it and experienced it himself. We are always afraid to call the police because of what it would mean for his life. I just wish he didn’t have to come home.

I think this is where your husband needs to step in, tbh. Maybe he could be the one to write to tell him he can't come home? Maybe he could tell him that if he shows up again he will be reported to the police for the previous offences.

I don't suppose you took any photos, did you, or see a doctor?