Struggling with my son’s behaviour, boundaries.

[Sailawaysallyblue]

My 19 year old son iis away at university, he came out to us a year ago. He as far as I know has never had a relationship as such but he is on the apps. I am a bit sad I’d I’m honest and wish he had a boyfriend or at least was going on dates. He won’t use the preventative medication that is available ( he said he is less likely to get HIV because of his position 😳) , that was more information than I wanted!

He is incredibly rude to us and while I don’t want to share too much he is very difficult to be around. The more we do the more disrespectful he is . I don’t think he would ever contact us if it wasn’t for money tbh .

I also feel really uncomfortable with the fact he will come home do absolutely nothing to help out, be incredibly disrespectful and rude. (I am too embarrassed to share) details and spend his summer meeting up with random men on apps. We live in a relatively small town and I am already worn down by his behaviour over the years.

The thought of him coming home shouting abuse at me is frankly more than I can take .
I have never met anyone with less empathy.

I'm afraid that, however difficult it is, you need to stop him coming into your home. He's an adult man and you do not have to house him if he is physically and verbally abusive towards you. I would tell him now that he will need to make other arrangements for the holidays. He can speak to student services for support. It's only by showing him this tough love that you might just help him turn his life around. He needs to know that he can't go through life being abusive to get what he wants.

I think the fact that he is gay MIGHT be relevant.

I think the op has two separate concerns. His abusive behaviour in the home, which she should not tolerate, but also that he is risking his own health and safety by his use of dating apps to find hookups with strangers.

If it was a 19yo girl doing that, opinion would be pretty unanimous that she was putting herself at risk, and the op's son, being a gay man, is additionally at greater risk of contracting hiv.

I agree to a point. Posters are falling over themselves not to appear homophobic but this man's sex life serves to potentially show how abusive he is. He is not concerned about getting hiv himself so may well not be using condemns (do the guys even know?) and thereby potentially putting his partners at risk. As long as it's all consensual then nobody should have any problem with anybody's sex life, and of course heterosexual sex can be abusive, but there's a dark side to men-on-men sex which seems to be maybe more accepted by some gay men at least - chemsex parties for instance which are often arranged via some of the apps - where the 'bottoms' can't possibly consent.

I echo others comments that he shouldn't return to OP's home and his parents should protect themselves.

OP, he really won't want to think of anyone knowing about this, so I think it's important if you write to him you say, "I spoke to the police about the injuries you caused and they told me this would mean you would receive this sentence if you went to court."

He seems pretty proud of himself and won't want any employer to google him and find details of a court case.

I think you have to kick him out.

Sending love

Yes just say I’m sorry you’re not welcome here over summer you need to extend your tenancy
end of
do not even entertain him I wouldn’t

The more we do the more disrespectful he is.
That is the stand out sentence.
I wish I could tell him to ship out . How do I even do that when he has nowhere to go

Would you tolerate this behaviour from a stranger. I think not, so why do you think it is OK to accept it just because he us your son. By letting it carry on you are enabling him to carry on acting like a dickhead towards you.

He has way overstepped if he has hurt you. It really is time for him to ship out and you to be safe in your own home. Hurting you is domestic violence and as we know it escalates in in frequency and impact. You must not let this happen!

please tell him he has a week to go and mean it. You owe it yourself and dh to have a peaceful life at home.
I would seriously suggest you get the police involved if he starts shouting at you again as he knows he can hurt you and get away with it.
I know you are broken and it's horrible to hear that but please dont be a victim to him.

Your son is a nasty violent abuser and you (and your husband) need to stop him coming to you house. Write him a letter, signed by both of you, saying that he is no longer welcome in your home because of his violent and abusive behaviour. Tell him the police will be called if tries to force entry. Ask him where he want his possessions to be sent to or stored. Tell him you might be open to contact in the future if there is evidence that he has changed, acknowledges what has happened and apologises.
Change all the locks and consider getting a recording doorbell.
If/when he does turn up, do not let him in the house. Call the police if he is aggressive.
Don't let your shame as a past victim of abuse stop you from getting help now. You have done nothing wrong.
Your son's sexuality is not the issue here.

His sexuality and dating history isn't the point. His abuse of you is. Get some counselling on how to make yourself safe.

It's also relevant because if he is on the chemsex scene (or similar) then drugs may be a factor. GHB and meth in particular. The violence and mood swings OP describes would fit with this.

If his sexuality and sexual behaviours make addiction to certain substances more likely, then yeah, it does need to be a part of the conversation.

I agree that he's not safe to have in the house, and at 19 he should be out on his own if he's laying hands on his mother. Actions like that need consequences.

Hello all ,

This is the op , I found some of the comments very upsetting and difficult to read , I closed my account because I felt so dreadful.

Most of the advice was very kind and helpful, we drove to my son’s university on Saturday and left a letter for him . I haven’t heard from him but he won’t be coming back to our home again.

I doubt very much that we will ever see him again, it’s utterly heartbreaking. Looking at pictures of him today as a little boy, we all have such hopes and dreams for our children and it’s so heartbreaking that it has come to this.

Thank you so much for all your support ❤️

OP, well done for taking action. I hope you and your husband are now able to enjoy a happy and peaceful life.

(If you think he might have keys to your house, please get the locks changed.)

Op what a difficult situation. I really hope that you and your son are able to have a mutually respectful and kind relationship in years to come. The ball is in his court.

I'm so sorry for you and your husband, I can imagine just how awful it is, especially when you think about what a lovely little child he was. Sadly, even with good parenting, some kids just go wrong. Keep yourselves safe, but don't give up hope that in the future he will understand just how badly he treated you both.
Thank you for updating the thread, I hope things get better.

Adding another note of support too.

I doubt very much that we will ever see him again, it’s utterly heartbreaking.

I suspect that what you're doing right now increases the chance that you will see him again... if he can come to his senses and realises just how badly he has treated you.

If he's charismatic and popular at university he's obviously not lacking in emotional intelligence. The question mark is over whether he is a violent narcissist who is using that emotional intelligence for his own gain or is someone who has lost his way in his current world and saw you as his punching bag and "safe space".

Huge kudos and well done for taking this step. It really does sound heartbreaking but it also sounds like exactly the right thing to do 💪💐

This must be very hard for you. Have you given any thought to his plans after Uni? If he is intending to move home permanently it would probably be best to make a stand now. Explain that he will need to make alternative arrangements.