Struggling with my son’s behaviour, boundaries.

[Sailawaysallyblue]

My 19 year old son iis away at university, he came out to us a year ago. He as far as I know has never had a relationship as such but he is on the apps. I am a bit sad I’d I’m honest and wish he had a boyfriend or at least was going on dates. He won’t use the preventative medication that is available ( he said he is less likely to get HIV because of his position 😳) , that was more information than I wanted!

He is incredibly rude to us and while I don’t want to share too much he is very difficult to be around. The more we do the more disrespectful he is . I don’t think he would ever contact us if it wasn’t for money tbh .

I also feel really uncomfortable with the fact he will come home do absolutely nothing to help out, be incredibly disrespectful and rude. (I am too embarrassed to share) details and spend his summer meeting up with random men on apps. We live in a relatively small town and I am already worn down by his behaviour over the years.

The thought of him coming home shouting abuse at me is frankly more than I can take .
I have never met anyone with less empathy.

Tell DH he has to have your back, and step up and be a father and husband. Is there any reason why he has not done so?

Time for tough love.

He's not welcome back because he is abusive and violent towards you.

He can support himself, he is an adult.

If he ever raises his hand to you again, police.

Stop shielding him from consequences, otherwise his behaviour will escalate further. And your DH needs to back you on this, actively.

You and your DH have to stop being so soft and tell your son he is no longer welcome home in the holidays. You both need to stand up for yourselves, you are both in an abusive relationship.

I didn’t but someone did ask me what happened and I lied . I’ve done that before but it was worse this time.He never even apologises, usually he says I didn’t touch her if we are alone at the time. I walk around on eggshells fetching and carrying for him so things stay calm but it’ doesn’t always work. I try to tell my myself that he will be gone before we know it and then I hear of kids coming home from university to live at home for years and I’m filled with dread .

He has , he has restrained him and been hurt at times. I verbal abuse and things he shouts out are unbelievable. He is lovely to people at university from what can see but he doesn’t want us anywhere near the university or his dorm room.

You have a choice in this, don't let him come home. If he kicks off call the police and he can deal with the consequences. Your life doesn't have to be like this but only you and your husband can change this.

Why are you letting him back into your home?. He's treating you this way because you are allowing him to. Does he treat others like his?. Time to take a stand - and why isn't your DH taking him to task. Allowing his child to hit his wife? , and if he's scared you call the police. If it ruins his future then tough.

You are right @Ilikewinter , it’s just so difficult to do.

You can't let him home this summer you dont have to put up with his abuse. Tell him now so he can out his arrangements.

I would start with changing the locks and getting Ring doorbells at the front of the house and CCTV everywhere. I'd do that now, before the holidays.

I'd also speak to the police and ask for advice. I wonder whether it's possible to get a restraining order out against him. What career does he want to go into? He's going to struggle if he has a criminal conviction.

How does he treat your home if he's alone in it?

So maybe it’s time for a family meeting?
Step 1 you and your husband go to a neutral location together and come up with an agreed List of expectations and boundaries
It can be short
eg
We do not swear at each other.
If you are not going to be home for evening meal please let us know.
When you are home would would like you to be responsible for y,x, z
Tell him you and DH are having this meeting and that when the three of you meet later on X date please could come prepared with some of his own expectation and boundaries.
You then meet and make a written agreement.
If it doesn’t work and he continues to shout abuse etc then he can leave. Physical abuse I would call the police. It’s zero tolerance for that. I would remove any financial support and housing. It’s a non negotiable.
Mayve he doesn’t need to come home for the holidays? It he isn’t in halls then that is possible.

Thank you all for listening and for taking the time to offer advice and help. We are good people and have worked very hard to give our son a great life, it so difficult when it comes to this .He is very conscious of his public image @TFImBackIn and has lots of girl friends who he treats very well. He has always had guy friends too and is very popular at university. He is seen a a lovely sweet humble guy ( he is not humble)

His career will depend on a good name he is a high achieving student at an elite university.
We are removing his very generous financial support and he will have to survive just like the vast majority of other students next year.

He has no respect for our home ( I don’t think that is particularly unusual but it would be nice if he did). I know what we have to do but it doesn’t make it any easier. I would wish this on anyone.

He needs to get a job whilst at uni, lots of students don’t return home in holidays after the first year, they just work and stay in uni area.

He sounds like the next Reynhard Sinaga.
But this really shouldn't be in LGBT, he's not gay, he's just an abuser. Or rather, the fact that he is so abusive and downright dangerous is the important bit here.
Stay safe, OP, and I hope you find the strength to do what you have to do.

Why on earth would you compare this young man to a man who drugged and raped hundreds of young men? He's bad enough as he is without this comparison.

Because there's more than a fair few similarities between the two. Christ knows if his hook ups are consensual or truly consensual at least.

If he's horrible and rude tell him he's not welcome until he treats you respectfully. He's an adult and you should treat him like one.

I agree with @BillieWiper. You don't have to let an abusive man into your house so don't. Your husband is right that he shouldn't come home until he behaves respectfully. Let your husband tell him this and change the locks if necessary. Your son needs to learn that abuse has consequences.

@Sailawaysallyblue I am so sorry you are going through this. I have to say there were terms in uni that I dreaded one of my boys coming home but it was for little things, not the type of abuse you are experiencing. Despite your past, you need to stand up for yourself. And where is your husband in all of this? My DH would never stand for one of our sons being so awful to me. He needs to grow a pair. If he doesn't think he should come home in the summer, have him tell him. Tell him his behavior will no longer be tolerated and you are not a bank. You say he has no where else to go. He's a grown man. If he can behave like such a knob, he can figure out his residence too. Push back, see how he likes it. His sexuality has no part in this issue. Good luck.

Lay down the law when he gets home. Chores, tidying up, or getting a job should be non negotiable. Any violence and the police are called. Any rudeness and money is cut off. Hes a grown adult now and needs to behave like it.
And you stop worrying about him going out at night. None of your business now hes an adult.

To echo others this is domestic abuse, womans aid are really helpful of you call them.

@turkeyboots I think that her husband should tell him now, before he comes home, that his abusive behavior won't be tolerated anymore. He has a choice - if he wants to come home this summer, he needs to behave differently. If not, he can make alternative arrangements.

Dear Son, last time you came home you punched me on the x / kicked my x/ hit me with x. (Be detailed.) For this reason and because of the verbal abuse you dish out, you are not welcome home this summer. Please make other arrangements.
We love you, but we are not safe when you are home so you will have to go elsewhere.
Love Mum and Dad

He may be your son but he's an abusive adult male and you are the victim of domestic abuse.

Another vote for

He's no longer permitted to come into your home
Women's aid
Call the police if he ever abuses you again

I'm not sure what any of this has to do with LGBT. Unless he has experienced or perceived homophobia in the household. Obviously the hook ups is a huge source of conflict.

Whatever the past behaviour of all parties- by this point the mutual antipathy has reached fever pitch. You may all be happier when you no longer spend time together in the same house.

I think the fact that he is gay MIGHT be relevant. If he’s bringing men back who may be unwlecome in the OPs home that could be quite intimidating. If he’s telling OP information about his sex life ( she refers to his positions) to make her feel uncomfortable, thats relevant too. She’s not saying he’s abusive because he’s gay, she’s saying he;s gay and therefore may have aspects of life she doesnt understand AND is abusive. That’s how I read it anyway.

Plus, surely when a victim of abuse is reaching out for help we really shouldn’t be nit picking over which thread they have posted on.