They are Trans. I'm out of my depth. Advice needed!

[ChristmasRoses]

My mid 20's son, who is in a long term, happy relationship with a male partner, has told me that he is trans with they/them pronouns and a new name that is neither typically male nor female.

I want to be the best and most supportive mum that I can be, but I am just not sure what to expect, what it all means, what support there might be for me or where to find it.

I am in the UK.

I would be grateful for any help or advice from parents in a similar position to me.

Personably I would never ever call a single person they or them
It is grammatically incorrect
Even bi polar people do not think they are 2 separate people
It is pure "look at me " self absorbed woke nonsense

Ouch. Well that's not what I was hoping for from Mumsnet, I'll be honest. Better go fish elsewhere.

Have you never been here before? That's exactly the response I'd have expected.

Yep. Typical Mumsnet response.

op if you want to keep the relationship with your son good then just go along with their wishes. My adult dd is bi and in a close friendship with someone who is non binary, we suspect dd is hopeful for more long term. We want the friend and dd to be welcome with us so we use whatever name / pronouns they wish.

I'd go 'ah, okay,' use the chosen name, and ignore the pronouns as you'd only be using them if he wasn't there.

Basically don't be effusive and how stunning and brave he is, just make it a non event.

Ok, I get that I'm not going to find support or help on how to be a good parent here on MUMSnet. Thanks so much.

😂

OP you sound really caring and respectful and I would just ask your son for guidance along the way.

Sorry I have no other advise or experience but wanted to offer you some support. Hopefully others will be along with experience and good advise.

How do you see being a good parent to a non trans person? Just love them the same as you always have. It's up to you if you choose to use the new name/ pronouns etc.

Alternatively, you aren’t going to be told what you want to hear that gender affirming care is the way forward and to accept the narrative that you are now to buy into his world view by using grammatically incorrect pronouns and subjugate your own biologically correct views for fear of being “unkind and a Terf?” Certainly not - you won’t hear that here. 🎉👏🏼

Just love them @ChristmasRoses.
Talk to them - get an understanding of whatever is important to them. You can make a decision based on that. You as a mum know what to do for your relationship and situation with your kid..

Objectively speaking - the best course of action is to go “ok dear” and carry on as was before. Whether he believes he’s David or Davina doesn’t alter your love for him 🤷🏼‍♀️

You are equating "being a good parent" with "accepting everything my son says without question", which is very far from being the case.

@surreygirlzz I bet you have called a single person they or them.
I am currently waiting for one person to come and fix my washing machine, ( not sure if the engineer is male or female , as the name is Sam) not sure what time they
will get here. If the person does a good job I will definitely recommend them on their website.
HTH

This.

This is in no way the same as pretending someone is neither male or female. Obviously 🙄

This is a very goady title and the responses after the initial post are rather interesting.

You seem to have missed a lot of full stops, did you mean to be so grammatically incorrect?

As @LesMisSaigon says, people use 'they' as a singular pronoun all the time, every single day. It's not grammatically incorrect, it's an incredibly weak argument.

OP I would support your child, use their chosen name, and make sure they know that you're there for them.

This sort of response really annoys me. I'm the gender-critical mother of a trans-identifying child. She is NOT attentions seeking - like many trans-identifying young people she is autistic and struggling to find her identity and place in the world. She has (to my mind) wrongly been recruited to the trans bandwagon due to her inherent dysmorphia and confusion. She finds a sense of belonging and identity among other trans-identifying young people. How we hopefully move on from this in a healthy way is still a mystery to me and I have had little support from my fellow gender-critical peers (with a few exceptions - the Bayswater group is excellent). It's just assumed if we don't pander to them it will all go away. But to me it should be seen in the same way as the dysmorphia and disordered thinking of anorexia (which is also very strongly linked to autism).

I’m m so sorry you got the usual Mumsnet bullshit.
just keep showing your love and acceptance, use the name and pronouns they have asked you use but maybe also say that you may slip up from time to time.

Surely it’s a complete irrelevancy. The name is gender neutral, the pronoun you is the only one you’re likely to use in his presence - otherwise just use the actual name.

Cut off any political discussion with “I prefer not to talk politics” make a cuppa for everyone and a plate of biscuits and discuss holiday plans.

Out of interest, do you have a trans adult child?

You don’t need to do anything? If they say they are something, then that’s what they are! Have a conversation with them about their expectations! But also make sure your own views are heard. It will take some adjusting too, doesn’t mean you don’t accept the change it just means there has to be a period of adjustment. If it helps I thought trans meant one gender or another? Do they mean non binary?

Well, it is actually. If someone is unsure of the gender of somebody they are talking about the term they/them is used. This is exactly what the OP's child is going through because they themselves are unsure of/ do not feel they fit into a particular gender.
The child is NOT pretending they are neither male of female. They simple do not feel they conform to the gender stereotypes that society expects.
@ChristmasRoses I am so sorry that you are not getting support from the bigots readers here. I hope you find it elsewhere.