They are Trans. I'm out of my depth. Advice needed!

[ChristmasRoses]

My mid 20's son, who is in a long term, happy relationship with a male partner, has told me that he is trans with they/them pronouns and a new name that is neither typically male nor female.

I want to be the best and most supportive mum that I can be, but I am just not sure what to expect, what it all means, what support there might be for me or where to find it.

I am in the UK.

I would be grateful for any help or advice from parents in a similar position to me.

This isn't a child though is it, he's an adult man. And you can love your offspring whilst also being honest with them. Gender ideology is nonsense, you don't have to play along. Telling the truth is important. Affirming anyone in a lie is not kindness.

Is it necessary? So we can only comment on things we have actual lived experience of? How terribly relevant to this debate….

Your adult son knows he’s a man. Doubly so, because he is in a relationship with someone who shares the exact same anatomy he does. Whatever ideas he has that he is somehow less male than his male partner, are rooted in stereotypical ideas of what a man must be or do. None of those things are what makes a man. A man is an adult human male, no more, no less.
Me, personally, I wouldn’t entertain this nonsense from a grown man. You may want to call him by whatever name he’s chosen, which is fine. But it’s not something I’d be doing. I’d also be incredibly curious about why a man in his mid 20s would make such a declaration specifically during this time, and having spent, presumably years, as a happy gay man.

It’s almost like you’re post wasn’t in good faith

Why would a bipolar person think they’re two different people? You understand the polarity is between “moods”, yes? Not personalities?

Well, I think given that you are giving what you claim to be "objective" guidance I think it's useful for the OP to know and understand if this is guidance you yourself have put into practice with your own adult child and if so, how effective it was and what the outcomes were.

How are they trans then?

It wouldn't be objective. It would be subjective.

That would be subjective guidance. Not objective.

Actually think this is a very important point. I think government intervention is required re how ND people (esp girls) have been specifically targeted. It is an absolute scandal, with, I think, very sinister undertones (see also USA national autistic register).

As someone who has ADHD and prob autism I can identify with the sense of isolation esp during teenage years and the attraction any welcoming group that embraces being different is going to seem attractive. I might have done the same if the circumstances that are around today are around 35 years ago.

It’s a cult, we need to cut off its head. It’s not your fault your child has been taken by the cult. One of the main characteristics of a cult it to isolate its members from friends and family to get full control.

I hope you find a way to get your daughter out. I’m hoping with the SC ruling is just the start, and we need to make it just the start. We need to be pressurising our councillors, our MPs, business owners to make sure the comply and make even clearer the ruling of the SC.. The Weatherspoons owner was on Peston the other night, it’s clear he didn’t understand the ruling or what it meant or how to deal with it. We need to fill the void asap.

Fair enough with objective Vs subjective. Let me rephrase that. Based on what knowledge base or research do you speak of what "the best course of action" is with such authority? Since it's not personal experience?

Yea I'd be "mmmhmm that's nice" and treat it like it's all a bit boring/no big deal etc.

Bit like how I reacted when one of the DC were younger and had a splinter and they screamed the house down thinking their hand was going to drop off, pay it no attention type thing.

He's not saying he's a woman is he? So just use the new name or use the pet names you probably still have from when he was younger. It doesn't need to be a big deal.

He's an adult with a partner and presumably a good set of friends, decent job/career path etc. it's more important that they're as independent as possible and feels supported emotionally once in their 20s I think.

I have a two trans family who came out in late teens-early 20s. They're still the same person inside so just treat them the same.

Has the OP caveated her post that only those with trans children need comment? I must have missed that. Getting off topic, OP- just love your child how you did before he decided he was trans. That’s supporting him as an individual, surely.

Surely trans means he wants to present as a female? So why the they/them pronouns and the gender neutral name? Doesn’t make sense. I’d just say oh that’s nice and carry on with my day!

You can be the best mum possible by not pandering to such rubbish. Your son can be gay with no problem, and you obviously totally accept this (which is great), but without this gender change nonsense.

I just think that sometimes people think they are giving good advice but actually from the inside it's entirely obvious that it doesn't hit the mark. Whether or not a young person ends up remaining in a trans identity or not, they are likely to find "coming out" as a massive deal that they will feel very frightened about their parents' response to. Brushing it off with "that's nice dear, now what shall I make for tea" is likely to be experienced as completely dismissive and hurtful. Whereas something along the lines of "First things first - I am always going to love you" is also not instantly affirmative but recognises the significance of the announcement the person has shared. They - perhaps misguidedly, but it doesn't really matter in the moment - are telling you something they feel to be deeply personal, profound and revelatory. They will have been thinking about it for months. 'that's nice dear' or similar brush-offs are not a neutral starting point or, imo, good advice.

I'm extremely gender critical, but since he's an adult and he can make his own mistakes, I'd just use the new preferred name, and other than that, treat him the same as you always have.

Obviously, I wouldn't be letting him browbeat me into actually believing he was a woman, but I wouldn't be looking for a fight on it either, and you don't say where you stand on the whole trans issue, so that might not matter to you anyway.

Well the “ok dear” wasn’t meant to be repeated verbatim but more a sense of - it doesn’t matter what you are, I love you so ok. But I will take the point about wanting personal feedback so I will bow out. I hope you get some constructive and helpful suggestions OP

Yeah...we have a baiter here. Don't engage, they knew exactly what they were doing when they typed this post.

Yep.

What do you mean by trans?

I think this is good advice. Your son is gay and has changed his name. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'd go with this approach.