They are Trans. I'm out of my depth. Advice needed!

[ChristmasRoses]

My mid 20's son, who is in a long term, happy relationship with a male partner, has told me that he is trans with they/them pronouns and a new name that is neither typically male nor female.

I want to be the best and most supportive mum that I can be, but I am just not sure what to expect, what it all means, what support there might be for me or where to find it.

I am in the UK.

I would be grateful for any help or advice from parents in a similar position to me.

A friend of mines grown up daughter had her tits surgically removed and decided to be know as 'they'. we were all told we must respect this and refer to her as 'they' and blah blah bah...
I cut all ties with my friend. I can't cope with people entertaining this batshit nonsense.

I agree with some of what you're saying but as the mother of a teenager that had anorexia if we hadn't pushed back she'd have starved herself to death by now.

Body dysmorphia is a serious mental illness whether it tells you not to eat or that you're the opposite sex and imo people with mental illness should be treated with empathy but not capitulated to for their own good.

Of course one of the main differences with anorexia and thinking you're the opposite sex is that there's much more money to be made from promoting and enabling trans, but that's a whole other discussion in itself.

I completely agree - and haven't capitulated. I am in no way underplaying the dangers of anorexia - and see major health risks to trans young people as well if they end up going down the medical route.

He's still exactly the same person he always was, he's just decided on some new labels for himself. No one can tell you what to expect or really what it all means, so just go on doing you and support him to do him.

Personally I can't stand they/them because it always sounds like you're talking about someone you don't know or more than one person, but if you're comfortable with it then there's no problem surely?

This is so true.

No one ever said to someone with an eating disorder "yes, you are a fatty... eat less" but we say to 'trans' people... "yes, you are the wrong sex... take these life altering drugs and cut your dick off".

Early twenties there is a lot of navel gazing indulgence, I would go with yes darling and leave it at that.

I agree they/them is so clumsy and confusing. It constantly sounds like you're speaking about more than 1 person.
eg did you speak to dave, what would he like to drink becomes did you speak to dave, what would they like to drink.

Don't even get me started on theyself/themselves instead of himself

My daughter has a few NB friends and she told me when they are close by she just uses their names because otherwise it's too confusing and when they're not there she uses 'she' because they're all female.

Your response is awful.
Good luck ignoring an adult child's wishes and requests and maintaining a good relationship with them at the same time.
Your 'even bipolar' comment also amused me. I think you have confused bipolar disorder (a relatively common diagnosis whereby one person moves between periods of different mood states, but still experiences themselves as one person with life continuity) with some sort of disassociative or multiple personality disorder (whereby one person believes there are different people within their one body).

OP, I recommend curiosity, respect and not panicking. This could go many different ways for your child with many possible good, bad or neutral outcomes, and just by caring and listening, you give yourself the best chance of maintaining a good relationship where you might be a force for good in their life.

Following for advice.

Personally I'm hoping this will pass if I just make "uh hu" noises and nod.

Whatever I do is wrong so I'm just trying to stay as neutral as possible (whilst screaming inside). She won't talk to me about anything, let alone this. I'm worried.

And her dad is useless. He thinks I'm transphobic so we can't discuss it. She "came out" to me and I mentioned it to him (she didnt say not to) but I asked him not to say anything to her. A few days later I got screamed at "you told dad. I'm never telling you anything ever again". Sure enough, she won't discuss it with either of us now.

What does your son think he is if not male? If he thinks he’s non-binary, then he’s not trans.

Yes, I am afraid that Mumsnet isn’t the best supportive community for this subject. Most of the people that respond here are gender critical, and I find it upsetting how harsh they can be.

I would speak to your adult son and find out more about how he is feeling. He has opened up to you and trusts you with this information that is highly personal. That is no great feat and he must trust you a lot. If I was you I would open up the lines of communication, and be very upfront about needing time to get the pronouns right (you might slip up sometimes). This is a time of great transition and upheaval, so it is important that you are there, whether or not he is a he / she/ them. It is still your son underneath.

Your response depends on your relationship with your son. Your son is entitled to his wishes, as are you. I think only you can know the line between ‘going along with what he wants’, and not crossing your own personal beliefs and boundaries. Without reflecting on where this line is may cause problems further down the line.

Hey! I'm a young trans person so though I'm not a parent, I'd be happy to talk in DMs from my perspective if you'd like. Also mumsnet tends not to be the friendliest place for trans things, just a little warning :)