My daughter is identifying as trans 6 months after sexual assault

[fluffyapple]

Hi, so unfortunately in March my daughter was raped. It was at a party that I didn't even know she was at. She's 14. Before this she was happy and confident and doing well but since then she's a lot more withdrawn and unfortunately spends most of her time in her room not wanting to interact with anyone. Obviously this is understandable as she went through something that noone should have to. This weekend she told me that she thinks she's trans. I am fairly liberal and generally accepting of LGBT people but I am very sceptical of her being trans. Prior to this happening, she showed no signs of being trans and I think a lot of this can be explained by what happened. I think she thinks basically had she been a boy then this wouldn't have happened, which is true, and so she wishes she was and she feels uncomfortable with her body because of it. I think she kind of wants a fresh start and new identity and something to blame her problems on. I don't know if this makes sense. She wants us to affirm her as trans but I don't think she is and I worry that doing so will make it hard for her to change her mind. She has been having counselling and she is keen to go to these sessions but she doesn't want to talk about them after, and she says her counsellor has agreed that she is trans. I messaged Mermaids about this earlier and the person I talked to was quite dismissive of this. They said that lots of trans people have trauma from the past that makes people doubt that they are, but that they are almost always trans and it's almost always unrelated just makes people doubt them. Tbh I seemed very unsure about this and have done quite a lot of research since about things like the Cass report and her situation sounds similar to some others who didn't turn out to be trans. Also, I read that this might be a good place to ask? Just basically want advice on what I should do to try and help her and what you all think about the situation?

I'm usually in the opposite side of opinion to the regular mnetters who comment on this topic.

But I actually think this sounds very much like she is struggling with how she feels physically and emotionally so soon after the assault.

It is absolutely understandable that she will feel at odds with her body, have emotions over if she had been a boy it wouldn't have happened, and so on.

You don't have to do any serious stuff like get her on any waiting lists for gic, or seek medication - if she's not trans she will come to this conclusion over time, with there being lots of therapy for her assault etc in the mean time. I would gently affirm without taking it further and make sure she knows through words and actions that you are unequivocally there for her whatever.

She may have had this lurking under the surface before the assault, but I think it would be more important at the moment to ignore making reference to her birth sex, ie don't try and shovel how amazing being a girl is down her throat, it'll push her away. Be present for her. At the end of the day she needs supporting positively through what's happened.

It doesn't sound like her counsellor is particularly good or helping. I would say that her reason is because she's suffered a trauma which made her feel powerless and being male would help her feel more powerful.

I wouldn't contact Mermaids as they will do nothing but confirm her. I would phone Rape Crisis and get advice on specialised counselling.

In my opinion, getting her out of her bedroom would be hugely beneficial. Lots of fresh air, exercise and out and about so she's not dwelling too much.

Your poor, poor daughter. This is so sad.

You know your child. My hunch is that your gut feeling is spot on: it is a common suggestion that young women identifying as trans may be trying to identify out of problematic consequences of being female; the harms of patriarchy, sexual violence and the appraisal of the male gaze. The person from Mermaids is unlikely to have agreed with your assessment, but that is to be expected given Mermaids' ideological alignment. When my DD1 was propositioned by tradesmen in a van on her way home from school, aged 12, she instantly cut off her own long hair and told me she'd dress like a boy and 'be my son' if we ever had unknown men doing jobs in our house.

As for what she needs right now? Cass specifically cautions against affirmations such as those inherent in social transitioning (changing pronouns or using a name associated with the preferred sex) ‐these are not 'soft' options or sensible compromises but have been shown to cause actual harm inasmuch as young people whose attempts at social transition are affirmed go on to be much more likely to embark on hormonal and surgical interventions later.

Glitter is probably right; now might be a good time to refrain from talk of, or allusion to, her own sexed body, to give her time to regroup after what must have been such a traumatic ordeal.

Thanks, I definitely think that she isn't actually trans I'm just still unsure about how to go about it. I'm torn about whether to go with it for now or not. I'm worried if I do then it will push her down this path and it will be hard for her to go back. If, as I very much hope will happen, she is happier once she starts "living as a boy" then it will be hard for her to change her mind about it as she will think the trans stuff is responsible whereas it is other factors like her interacting more with people again and not thinking as much about what happened even if it leads to problems later down the line. But also, maybe anything that does make her happy again even if its short term is a good thing. I don't really know if that all makes sense. Also I worry that we will just push her away if we don't affirm her and I don't know what else to do. It just seems wrong to affirm her as trans though if we don't think she is and I just want her to go back to before as she was so much happier then. I have no clue what to do about it. I do think getting her outside will be a good thing but it's easier said than done

What shes been through is horrible x You need to support her as a parent at the moment. She is way too young to be making decisions that there is no coming back from... a few years back this wouldn't have been something resorted to especially at such a young age.. i feel like LGBTQ has just become so normalised and trendy that its become the new normal.. support her and educate yourself on this subject as its a very very serious change.. research on the amount of young people that have regretted this and can not go back x much love to you both and i hope whats best happens x

Really? It doesn’t sound that simple.

Sorry for what happened. Focus on counselling and support to address the trauma of the attack. Is she under camhs for this? The rest will play out.
Women only self defence classes might be great I did krav maga with my teen daughter builds confidence
Or mixed if she prefers
Is there any local self defence course? Could you attend with her?

Yes she is under camhs
I suggest something like that one time and she pulled a face and I didn't think she was interested, it's not something I pushed. Maybe I should suggest it again

Thanks! Tbh I don't know what support means right now. I don't want her making those kind of decisions for sure. But I don't know if it's right to go with the temporary things for now or not which could push her away and make her not really want to talk

It's a tough situation with no easy solution, and I'm so sorry that she is in this situation

However, social transition is not the solution to this. The Cass report explicitly warns against it, it's not a neutral act. I am so pleased that you are looking at this and continue to do your research. But, the very worst thing you can do is affirm her delusions

It sounds like her therapist is doing just that and so my advice would be to get her away from that therapist since they are incompetent, and find her a gender critical therapist to properly explore these issues. I would suggest either Genspect of Thoughtful Therapists

Also, I'd be very interesting in hearing exactly what Mermaids said to you when you contacted them? If this is not too personal

But I actually think this sounds very much like she is struggling with how she feels physically and emotionally so soon after the assault

this

i am so sorry this has happened, I know its tough and you want to do the best for her 💐

Hi,, my daughter wrnt through this, exactly the same.

She's had alot of counselling and is now back to her female self and alot happier.

Hang in there, it absolutely is about disliking her body after SA.

I didn't want to read and run. I have no advice but I just want to say I am so sorry your daughter has experienced this. From what you've said I think you're right, it makes sense and as a woman I get her reaction. You seem like a fantastic parent to your daughter and she's very lucky to have you. Xxx

You're her mum and know her better than anyone and everything you say makes sense. Mermaids is a politically motivated ideological movement, they are never going to offer a balanced view on this and much of what they do is actively harming young people. (Chest binding, puberty blockers etc).

I'm concerned her therapist has agreed she is trans. I think she needs a fresh start with a new therapist who specialises in sexual assault (if this one doesn't). Don't affirm her as trans, just keep it neutral so you don't drive her away. She has been through a hellish experience and I agree this is likely a trauma response. Hopefully in time she will recover and be ok. Sending good wishes.

If she’s in her room she’ll be on the internet. You need to know who she is talking to. Reddit, Discord, tumblr - any social media will have people (strangers) telling her she is trans.

I don't really know exactly what she is doing but she is spending a lot of time in her room unfortunately

Yeah I didn't think Mermaids when I was messaging them tbh

She really likes her therapist I think but I don't know exactly what they talk about. She does specialise in sexual assault. I worry sending her to a new therapist won't be right as she has built up a good relationship with her current one over the past few months and she won't want to go to another or be as open with them

I guess I just need to focus on other things with her and just try to make sure she has other good experiences but it's all very hard and I don't really know what to do or how to approach it

I'm really sorry she went through the same

What kind of counselling did you do and how did you talk to her about it all and get her to be happier again?

Thanks, I will take a look at the places you sent. I am very unsure still with what to do exactly because she does like her therapist and I think that's important for a therapist. Also it's hard as I just want her to be happy and I think doing what she wants now we make her happier in the short term, and not doing so will push her away. So yeah it's really complicated

I have screenshots of the conversation with Mermaids which I guess I could send if you or anyone else wants

Oh @fluffyapple am so sorry this happened to your daughter, and it seems completely rational and self-protecting that she should feel that rejecting her female sexed body is the answer. I see that she has been refered to CAMHS, but I wonder whether you have thought to reach out to the RapeCrisis.org.uk (who have specialists to support children and young people as well as adults). There is also thesurvivorstrust.org and SARSAS.org.uk.

For now I would deflect a little from the trans stuff and focus on the natural and deep distress she is feeling as a result of the sexual assault she has experienced. Specialised counselling as soon as possible is key. As others have said, also, a self-defence/martial art to help her build confidence in defending herself but also to help her reconnect to her body would be a great idea in time, but I’d prioritise the counselling.

I have a trans IDing teen, who perhaps is desisting though I’m not quite sure, but I would absolutely advise against any rush to affirm a trans identity at this stage. The Cass Report discussed in detail how many children the GID service saw were victims of child sex abuse or rape victims and how, over time, it was clear to many at the Tavistock that they should never have been referred to a GIC without exploring those issues.

At the moment your child needs love, reassurance and the input from an experienced service to work with her and help her come to terms with her trauma. You also need help in how to support her. If the trans stuff is still there after that input, you can deal with it then.

I'm so sorry to read what your daughter went through OP 💔💐

Lots of good advice above and I don't have any experience around rape to add but what I would say (from supporting my autistic daughter re her distress about her changing body during puberty) is that a "differential diagnosis" approach might help. If you're able to understand from her perspective, via a therapist or through direct conversation, what she's feeling it may open up an opportunity to address each aspect specifically. For example, does she feel scared that it will happen again? If so, would the self-defence lessons suggested above help her to feel more empowered and therefore less scared? Is there anything else that would help e.g. are there any journeys or situations where she feels particularly vulnerable where a plan of action would help?
With my daughter, I didn't directly challenge her thinking that she might "be trans" but instead, I tried to unpick specifically what made her feel distressed and tried to work out together what we could do to alleviate it (in her case the pill to stop periods, sports bras to address the sensory aspect of breast development). In other words, is it possible to set whether she "is trans" or not aside, work out what her "presenting symptoms" are and try to help alleviate them? (If you've ever seen House with Hugh Laurie, this is the approach).

TRAs often call this a pathologising approach, in a derogatory way. But as shown in Cass, identifying out of one's own body as a coping mechanism is a recognised as a common pattern following sexual assault. Before gender identity was so readily spoken about in the public discourse, anorexia was a known coping mechanism in this situation as well.
It sounds like such a difficult situation for her and you 😔

I would echo the caution above about a therapist who unquestioningly embraces a trans identity. Your daughter is vulnerable to wanting an answer/fix. A therapist who explores her distress with a bias that she "is" or "could be" trans is unfortunately likely to be more of a hindrance than a help. Neutral therapy would neither embrace or challenge a declared gender identity, but would instead set this aside and unpick her distress without talking about gender identity at all.

Using Mermaids in this situation ? WHY

100% i agree. It's your responsibility as a parent to monitor to some degree what she is being exposed to and as harsh as this sounds its not your job to be "ok" with everything.. you are not her friend or peer you are her parent, your job is to guide her to make the right decisions kids will get upset regardless but they will thank you later. Don't let her succumb to this trapping herself and scrolling.. it's only going to make things worse shes at that age where she needs guidance and you as a mature adult should understand this much more than her .. lots of love xx

I messaged Mermaids about this earlier and the person I talked to was quite dismissive of this. They said that lots of trans people have trauma from the past that makes people doubt that they are, but that they are almost always trans and it's almost always unrelated just makes people doubt them

I am actually pretty alarmed by this.

Firstly this is a charity under investigation for failures of duty as a charity. It has had multiple safeguarding incidents.

Secondly I question what medical qualification this person has and how they can say this. It's a safeguarding fail. They have not assessed your daughter or even had contact with her. They've got a preset agenda they want to push. There is literally no evidence for this. Indeed the Cass Review says exactly the opposite and highlights how trans identifying teens are a complex heterogeneous with multiple needs rather than a homogeneous group. It also says that detransition is common. Something that this person from Mermaids isn't even giving you information about.

It's irresponsible, dangerous and misleading.

This is about those volunteering for Mermaids have not got appropriate experience but do have their own political agenda which they wish to push onto these kids rather than give accurate impartial advice in line with independent government report and the current NHS position.

They really should be reported to the charity commission AGAIN for this.

(I actually hope a journalist picks up on this and does so digging because it's clear there's still a MASSIVE issue with this charity).

I really don't have many words of advice to add to what others have already said, but to say in the strongest terms to avoid Mermaids again (and if you feel up to it, consider complaining to the charity commission about it but totally understand that you may not want to do this).

I hope you and your daughter find a way through this.