11 year old bisexual?

[BipolarSunset]

Hi all,

Our 11 year DS has just told me that he's bisexual. Obviously I support whatever - who he fancies etc is none of my business as long as he's happy and I've told him that I support him no matter what.

My main concern is just how much does he understand? He's going through puberty and hormones are understandably all over the place. I did say whatever he's feeling at the moment doesn't need a label.

I'm trying to be as supportive as I possibly can but also trying to remember he's only 11 and I can't remember me and my peers being this 'in touch' with our sexuality's at this age?

Any advice? Am I encouraging it too much for his age? Should I leave it and see where we end up?

Any advice will be helpful 😊

I'm guessing it's very similar to my almost 5 year old girl now, who quite clearly has more in common with the girls in her class, but is like a moth to a flame to the boys and finds them interesting and says they're cute etc

Ok, so I do find that a bit odd/ disturbing (the moth to a flame thing). Not something I've experienced with my 3 kids (now teens) or the ones I have worked with for years (until 4 going on 5 just before they start YR). It's very simply about friendships from what I've seen - not just similar interests but similar personality types which attract etc. (Eg. Some of the quieter kids like the more outgoing kids etc). It scares me a bit sexualising children at a young age, which includes them having any inclination towards their sexual identity be that straight/ bi/ gay/ whatever.

I'm genuinely not against bi people and definitely see it as a valid sexual preference, and I don't think it's odd or wrong for the OPs son to say he is Bi at 11 (just to remain open minded on it, as that is still young). I just picked up on you saying that it explained feelings you had when 4/5, which I think is way too young to have any type of preference.

This is good advice, and I agree it's kudos to you that he knows he can speak openly about this with you OP.

My daughter told me she was a lesbian when she was 9. She is now 16 and very much still a lesbian. ☺️

Sure it’s fine to label it if he wants, and fine if it changes later. Frankly most folk I knew that said they were bi initially to parents was to break it to them more gently as they could perceive a level of judgemental behaviour about the same sex element - coming out again as gay at college once they had more experience of actual relationships.

Why does it really matter?

He can say he think he's bisexual and change his mind later, if he realises he's not. It's not like he's going to be stuck with what he says now.

I'm in NO way sexualising my daughter and nothing about what I said was odd or disturbing. How very strange that you chose to read it that way!! She IS like a moth to a flame to the boys in her class. Nothing weird or sexual about it. She simply knows who she likes most and wants to spend lots of time with them, talk to them all the time and shows a big interest in them and tells me all about how cute they are, how they have nice smiles or nice hair etc. She also tells me Harry Styles is handsome every time his music videos come on, but I'm sure you'll find that as equally 'disturbing' somehow 🤣! Pretty much every other child I know (including my eldest, my nieces/nephews, other kids in my kids classes, kids I've worked with and friends kids) all have/had similar experience at that age. Preferences begin at a very early age, long before sex even comes in to it.

Absolutely brilliant post, thank you.
I remember having this conversation years ago with a group of post 16 teens, and some of them were adamant that a younger person couldn't possibly know if they were LGBT. I asked one who declared himself as straight how old he was when he thought that a girl in his class was pretty and he liked her. He said 8. The penny finally dropped.
For some people its 5, some 8, some 16.

OP just tell your son you just want him to be happy. And that you'll always love and support him. 😊

I’m bisexual with a preference to women. I should have really realised it at a young age. Men didn’t hold any interest to me. I didn’t get crushes on boys. But it was hidden from me because I was sort of forced to
act straight. My parents aren’t homophobic as such, but at the time, liking the same sex was seen as weird. So I sort of forced myself to ignore the girls and try to focus on the boys.

When my aunt came out as gay, I started to accept myself and my parents did too. I dated both boys and girls in college.

I actually went on to marry a man, but (and I’ve got a lot of back talk about this on mn), we have a 3rd partner. A woman. We are a trio raising two children. We’ve been in a steady relationship for around 5 years now. It works for us.

I have had sexual relationships with men and women. I don't find men's bodies particularly attractive - muscles make me queasy. I do find women's bodies very attractive though.
I am married to a tall, slim man with very long hair who is fond of a bit of eyeliner. I fancy the pants off him. I always said I would've married him if he was female - I am attracted to him as a person - not his cock and balls.
I do wonder what label I would be given - but at nearly 60 I don't go in for all that tripe.
I am just me. No one else's fucking business. I don't need a badge or a flag and I have enough respect to not grab the coat tails of the LGB community.

@badchoir thanks for such a detailed response. It's such a shame to read; I genuinely didn't realise that you would get responses like that. I'm in the place that I would openly state that I genuinely do not care what someone's sexual preferences are - I guess it just disappoints me that not everyone is the same.

Yep, the very definition of bisexual then. People attracted to both sexes.

This is hilarious. I'm pretty sure this is how all 4/5 year olds feel. It's called making friends, tends to happen when you start school.

Age 10/11 definitely. 4/5 don't be ridiculous.

Is it possible to have sexual feelings or desires at age 4? I didn't think children could feel sexual or romantic attraction until their puberty hormones had kicked in? I'm not being goady, just don't understand how you could know what it felt like that young?

Same sex crushes (without sexual feelings) are normal in childhood, I do know that. Strong feelings of affection , wanting to be with the other person all the time, wanting to be like that other person, following them around everywhere wanting to be the object of their affection also normal.

figured out myself when i was about 13 or 14, mind you this was the early 2000s so it's easier to figure things out nowadays, honestly just support your child, they might grow out of it, they might not, but at the end of the day it won't impact their life in a big way until they're old enough to date

this!

Great he told you and that you are supportive. I would say at that age though they are discovering themselves and introduced to other people and Ideas and trying to navigate everything all at once. Esp in year 7. My Dd came home in the first few weeks of secondary school announcing that half of her class were bi, several gay, and one pansexual. They had obviously had a group discussion. She didn't have a label and wondered if she needed one. I told her to just be herself.

As a mum to a daughter who knew she was gay by age 8, yes they can. By your logic no 11 year old can possibly know if they're heterosexual? Except nobody would ever say that. You are either born gay, bisexual or straight. Obviously people discover which of the three they are at various times of life but the fact of the matter is some people do just know at a younger age. DD is now 18 and has a lovely girlfriend. Funnily enough, she's still gay 10 years on!