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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

11 year old bisexual?

68 replies

BipolarSunset · 20/07/2023 20:27

Hi all,

Our 11 year DS has just told me that he's bisexual. Obviously I support whatever - who he fancies etc is none of my business as long as he's happy and I've told him that I support him no matter what.

My main concern is just how much does he understand? He's going through puberty and hormones are understandably all over the place. I did say whatever he's feeling at the moment doesn't need a label.

I'm trying to be as supportive as I possibly can but also trying to remember he's only 11 and I can't remember me and my peers being this 'in touch' with our sexuality's at this age?

Any advice? Am I encouraging it too much for his age? Should I leave it and see where we end up?

Any advice will be helpful 😊

OP posts:
GameOverBoys · 20/07/2023 20:29

If he said he only liked girls would you tell him not to label himself? I think it’s perfectly possible to know your sexuality from before you really understand it.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 20/07/2023 20:29

My opinion is, no 11 year old can possibly know if they are bi

Talipesmum · 20/07/2023 20:41

I don’t see why they shouldn’t know. Plenty of kids have boy/girlfriends at that age; plenty don’t but it’s not impossible.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 20/07/2023 20:41

There's a huge amount of jargon for kids these days, I'd just see where it goes. It's brilliant he is so keen to share with you, how lovely. I don't really think 11 year olds have enough experience of sexuality but it's likely they are working out who they like and are attracted to.

Soubriquet · 20/07/2023 20:46

GameOverBoys · 20/07/2023 20:29

If he said he only liked girls would you tell him not to label himself? I think it’s perfectly possible to know your sexuality from before you really understand it.

This. People never question if a child is straight. It’s only when the child itself says they aren’t straight that suddenly they aren’t old enough to know

Otzi · 20/07/2023 20:47

Yeah, it sounds like he's found a label that fits his feelings. That's a good thing because it gives him a start with finding language for them. And finding language is really important in understanding feelings and deciding on what to do about them.

Great that he's told you. I hope you both keep the dialogue open as the years go on.

As for how he can know, would you question whether a boy can fancy girls? At age 11 it all plays out as friendship anyway - he's not going to start going to gay bars, is he?

Spacemoon · 20/07/2023 20:56

As a bisexual woman...I knew I liked boys AND girls long before I even knew what the term Bi meant, I'm talking aged 4/5. By aged 10/11 when I learnt the term, I knew I was Bi. This was back in the 90s/00s so I didn't feel confident enough to 'come out' but I absolutely knew, and I'm so happy to see kids these days who are supported and confident enough to be open with their parents about their sexuality.

Nobody would bat an eyelid or question an 11 year old saying they were straight, but as soon as it's a gay, pan or bi 11 year old, it's another story!! To the person who claims no 11 year old could possibly know they are bi, I really hope for your kids sake none of them are lgbt, or if they are, that you have educated yourself by the time they're at the age when they want to confide in you!

Vinniepolis · 20/07/2023 21:01

Spacemoon · 20/07/2023 20:56

As a bisexual woman...I knew I liked boys AND girls long before I even knew what the term Bi meant, I'm talking aged 4/5. By aged 10/11 when I learnt the term, I knew I was Bi. This was back in the 90s/00s so I didn't feel confident enough to 'come out' but I absolutely knew, and I'm so happy to see kids these days who are supported and confident enough to be open with their parents about their sexuality.

Nobody would bat an eyelid or question an 11 year old saying they were straight, but as soon as it's a gay, pan or bi 11 year old, it's another story!! To the person who claims no 11 year old could possibly know they are bi, I really hope for your kids sake none of them are lgbt, or if they are, that you have educated yourself by the time they're at the age when they want to confide in you!

I was 100% with you until you said pan… gender bollox and sexual preferences are not the same thing.

Wenfy · 20/07/2023 21:04

I knew I was bi at 5. It’s totally normal for an 11 yo to know. But bisexuality isn’t always an equal attractedness to both sexes (pan is that) - eg I’m Aro with women. I am attracted physically just not romantically which makes it complex so I find it easier just to not talk about it.

Mum2jenny · 20/07/2023 21:04

As a previous poster said I knew I liked both boys and girls from an early age. But no one put labels on it in the old days. It was what it was and we just got on with it.

YouJustDoYou · 20/07/2023 21:06

My sister knew by age 10. I still remember all those years ago bless her when she rang me up to tell me she had "told a secret" to her female friends and they had all made fun of her (this is 20plus years ago now). A few years later she came out to us all as gay, which is when I asked if that was what she had told her friends back when she was 10. Poor little mite went through so much.

I can't relate at all however as I've never felt a shred of anything for either sex so I have no idea HOW you would know, like, the mechanics of it? but then I guess it's the same as me NOT having feelings iyswim.

Spacemoon · 20/07/2023 21:06

Vinniepolis · 20/07/2023 21:01

I was 100% with you until you said pan… gender bollox and sexual preferences are not the same thing.

Show quote history

Pan literally just means attracted to people regardless of their gender. It means you are attracted to someone for who they are and what they have between their legs is irrelevant. It has nothing to do with gender bollox as you eloquently put it.

YouJustDoYou · 20/07/2023 21:08

Spacemoon · 20/07/2023 21:06

Pan literally just means attracted to people regardless of their gender. It means you are attracted to someone for who they are and what they have between their legs is irrelevant. It has nothing to do with gender bollox as you eloquently put it.

Show quote history

So bisexual then.

Spacemoon · 20/07/2023 21:13

YouJustDoYou · 20/07/2023 21:08

So bisexual then.

Show quote history

No. Not at all. I'm bi but I'm not attracted to people based on who they are alone and quite often what genitals they have plays a part in my attraction! A pan person wouldn't care. Bi people can have a strong preference to one particular gender. It's not 50/50 the majority of the time, whereas for pan people, the gender is completely irrelevant so it's just all about the person. Personally I find women more physically attractive, but men more emotionally and romantically attractive. Another bi person might be the opposite, or feel equal attraction. Whereas a pan person would look past the gender completely, it wouldn't even factor into their attraction. Hope that helps.

Vinniepolis · 20/07/2023 21:25

Spacemoon · 20/07/2023 21:06

Pan literally just means attracted to people regardless of their gender. It means you are attracted to someone for who they are and what they have between their legs is irrelevant. It has nothing to do with gender bollox as you eloquently put it.

Show quote history

Who has time for all that navel-gazing? It’s just preferences though, innit, like you might fancy blondes over brunettes, or want a ‘romantic attraction’ rather than banging hot meaningless sex? Why do you need to label it a ‘gender identity’? As I said, bolleaux!

ASoapImpressionOfHisWifeWhichHeAte · 20/07/2023 21:55

Well, I knew I was straight at 11. That was the age that I first started sort-of fumbley masturbating so I definitely had a sexuality and I was thinking about males for sure. Makes sense to me if you were gay/bi you'd be equally sure of who you were into.

RatouilleAndFeta · 21/07/2023 06:31

Wenfy · 20/07/2023 21:04

I knew I was bi at 5. It’s totally normal for an 11 yo to know. But bisexuality isn’t always an equal attractedness to both sexes (pan is that) - eg I’m Aro with women. I am attracted physically just not romantically which makes it complex so I find it easier just to not talk about it.

Hmmm maybe stop overthinking.

RatouilleAndFeta · 21/07/2023 06:31

Mum2jenny · 20/07/2023 21:04

As a previous poster said I knew I liked both boys and girls from an early age. But no one put labels on it in the old days. It was what it was and we just got on with it.

Exactly. It's really not that interesting!

RatouilleAndFeta · 21/07/2023 06:37

🙄
If you are female and find men romantically attractive but can just appreciate that some women are attractive then you're just straight love. It's ok to just be straight you know. It's also ok to be gay or bi. But completely obsessing about percentages is boring and rather self obsessed.

Clymene · 21/07/2023 06:46

Wenfy · 20/07/2023 21:04

I knew I was bi at 5. It’s totally normal for an 11 yo to know. But bisexuality isn’t always an equal attractedness to both sexes (pan is that) - eg I’m Aro with women. I am attracted physically just not romantically which makes it complex so I find it easier just to not talk about it.

Oh my god that's hilarious GrinGrinGrin

MerryMarigold · 21/07/2023 07:15

Spacemoon · 20/07/2023 20:56

As a bisexual woman...I knew I liked boys AND girls long before I even knew what the term Bi meant, I'm talking aged 4/5. By aged 10/11 when I learnt the term, I knew I was Bi. This was back in the 90s/00s so I didn't feel confident enough to 'come out' but I absolutely knew, and I'm so happy to see kids these days who are supported and confident enough to be open with their parents about their sexuality.

Nobody would bat an eyelid or question an 11 year old saying they were straight, but as soon as it's a gay, pan or bi 11 year old, it's another story!! To the person who claims no 11 year old could possibly know they are bi, I really hope for your kids sake none of them are lgbt, or if they are, that you have educated yourself by the time they're at the age when they want to confide in you!

Did I understand right? You were sexually attracted to others when you were 4/5? I'm not sure what you mean by 'bi' in the context of a 4/5 year old.

I work with this age, they have no idea! Some like girls and boys, some just like girls or just boys - but it's really based on who they get on with (personality), and what they like playing with (common interest) as it is with all children. Sorry, I don't think anyone is 'bi' at 4/5 unless they have been introduced to sexual activities which is extremely sad.

By 11, I do think they can feel 'bi' (attracted to both sexes) but the amount of change that goes on through the teen years, plus the pressure to be 'something'/ have a label, would put me off saying, "yes you are Bi." I'd probably say that I'm fine with whatever you are and wherever it takes you bit don't feel pressured to be something. Just enjoy being yourself.

TitoMojito · 21/07/2023 07:27

This. People never question if a child is straight. It’s only when the child itself says they aren’t straight that suddenly they aren’t old enough to know

Absolutely this. I remember telling a teacher at school that my friend was being bullied for being gay. Teacher said he wasn't old enough to know he was gay. He was 14. He’s now almost 30 and sure enough, still gay.

Spacemoon · 21/07/2023 07:51

RatouilleAndFeta · 21/07/2023 06:37

🙄
If you are female and find men romantically attractive but can just appreciate that some women are attractive then you're just straight love. It's ok to just be straight you know. It's also ok to be gay or bi. But completely obsessing about percentages is boring and rather self obsessed.

This is biphobia at its best. Being able to see that another woman is attractive and wanting to have sex with them are 2 very different things. Of course straight women can find other women attractive but if they are having sex with them or fantasising about having sex with them, newsflash, they aren't straight. You can be sexually and physically attracted to someone without wanted a romantic relationship with them. Bisexuality isn't the 50/50 sexuality you seem to think it is. People are saying their opinions and correcting you and others when they are wrong about a particular sexuality and how you seem to view it. Absolutely nobody is obsessing about anything, apart from you, who seems to be hellbent on proving that other people aren't the sexuality they say they are. How very weird.

Sarah2891 · 21/07/2023 07:59

There are some really ignorant comments in this thread.

But yes an 11 year old can know they are bisexual.

Clymene · 21/07/2023 08:04

Yes, just leave it and see where you end up. He may be bisexual. He may eventually decide he's gay or straight or remain bi. Either way, just keep the channels of communication open.