11 year old bisexual?

[BipolarSunset]

Hi all,

Our 11 year DS has just told me that he's bisexual. Obviously I support whatever - who he fancies etc is none of my business as long as he's happy and I've told him that I support him no matter what.

My main concern is just how much does he understand? He's going through puberty and hormones are understandably all over the place. I did say whatever he's feeling at the moment doesn't need a label.

I'm trying to be as supportive as I possibly can but also trying to remember he's only 11 and I can't remember me and my peers being this 'in touch' with our sexuality's at this age?

Any advice? Am I encouraging it too much for his age? Should I leave it and see where we end up?

Any advice will be helpful 😊

My gay son definitely knew at that age and he says he knew as young as six. Not necessarily the sexual part but he knew he didn’t confirm to heteronormativity. He was too young to really understand how he felt then but in retrospect he can now understand what he felt then.

Read it again. I didn't say I was Bi at 4/5, I said I knew I liked both boys and girls. Nothing about being sexually attracted as I had no idea what sex was at that age. But I DID know I found them both pretty/cute, not just that I liked the same things as them, if that makes sense. I highly doubt you'd be questioning someone if they had said they only liked boys, but because I said I liked both at that age, you automatically thought I was talking sexually, which is odd. Of course it wasn't until I was older at 10/11 when I knew what sex was and had the 'ahh that makes sense' moment that I realised the term that fit me was Bi. I absolutely knew I was Bi at 11. Like with most 11 year olds I was experimenting (masturbating) and it was always thinking about both. To think 11 year olds don't know their sexuality is very naive. Every single gay or bi person I know has known since a very young age (same as straight people!) and haven't changed their mind. It's something you are born with, so as soon as you become sexually aware, you know! It baffles me why straight people are never questioned on this, yet for most straight people they are very aware of who they like at a very young age too.

And well done for the narcissists for derailing OPs thread and not proving any actual advice for her. Brava

OP, firstly it’s great your DC can speak to you about this. Well done for being a safe space they can share things. Keep doing what you’re doing in that regard. In terms of the bisexuality, he’s 11, going through adolescence, hormones etc and their brains tend to like identity forming at this age, so it could be just him “trying on a identity” but only time will tell.

Keep the dialog neutral and non judgemental. Ask open questions, and it might be a good time to have discussions around consent, only doing things he is comfortable with and not to make other people happy. Self reflection based questions could help him process this in his own head too.

@Spacemoon how very weird to obsess over labels all the time 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not obsessing over labels, but as someone who has been told by people like you all my life I'm not bi because of X Y or Z it is a really important topic to me and I am simply correcting your ignorance. People like OPs son are in for a tough ride because of people like you.

OP your son can absolutely be bi at 11. Be accepting and open. They will likely need your support in the coming years more than a straight child would do because of the stigma they will still face despite it being 2023, as this thread is evident, there are still far too many bigots. For some, sexuality is fluid, so be open to change too, but whatever you do, believe that your child knows their own mind, they will find their selves if they are allowed to feel free. Labels are comforting for some, in a scary world where they don't feel like they fit in, especially the younger generation, so if they want labels, let them have them and respect them. If someone tries to tell you or them that they cannot possibly know they are bi at 11, kindly remind them that straight people don't have to 'prove' their sexuality, so neither should they have to. Wishing you well with it all, I'm sure you'll be a wonderfully supportive parent to them ❤️

I knew who I fancied and didn't from about 7 or 8.
I didn't know all the terms but I knew my feelings.
These things can be fluid. Accept what he tells you as how he feels right now. And I'd feel happy he can come to you.

I had no idea about fancying people when I was 7 or 8, I'm amazed people say they did. I told my mum I was a lesbian at 10, I thought boys were pretty disgusting at that point. Had very different views at 17 and was married to a man for 25 years.

It's very trendy at the moment to be anything other than boring old straight at school so it could be that he's jumping on a bandwagon or it could be true. I wouldn't give it too much thought. Just keep telling him that you support him whatever. It's great that he feels he can talk to you.

I would just say 'Ok, my lamb, thanks for talking to me about it,' and leave it at that. Who doesn't have sexual feelings about peers of both sexes at that stage of life? He may or may not be persistently bisexual but, meh, truly what does it matter.
I would regard his words as having more to do with this horrible pressure to label oneself that children seem to feel at the moment.

I wouldn't try to do much to counter that need to label, since in the current social fashions it is a part of young people's self-exploration, which they have to do in their own way. But I would try and model a sense of continuing open-ness to self-exploration -- as a process not a one-off discovery

As an 11 year old boy I knew that I was Bi, hell I probably had an inkling at 8.

Not to be crude but males have a big old physical indicator when they find someone attractive, and at 11 it's on a hair trigger. A lot of boys have started masturbating by then, and know whether they're thinking about women or men when they do it.

I certainly knew that I was different, and that thinking about men like that was wrong and I shouldn't tell anyone about it, so it's good that your son feels he can tell you, things have definitely improved since the early 90s.

It turns out I was probably "more bisexual" at 11 than I am as an adult. At that age, you fancy a person, want to see them naked, maybe kiss them and that's about it. That was about even between men and women for me.

As an adult, it turns out I'm not actually that bothered about sex with men. So while I still appreciate an attractive man and get crushes on them, it would never go further because I wouldn't find the sex satisfying.

I'm bisexual and have climbed back into the closet because of attitudes like displayed on this thread. I am married to a man so people assume I'm straight and it's easier leaving it at that.

As has been said, bisexuals rarely feel exactly 50/50. I do have a strong preference for men but find women sexually attractive as well. I enjoy sex with women but have only met one or two women I would consider an actual romantic relationship with. The women were straight so I have only ever had romantic relationships with men. According to a lot of people that just makes me straight.

If you, like me, have sexual fantasies about women, get turned on by women and find pleasure in having sex with women but consider yourself straight then that's up to you but that doesn't sound straight to me.

I've also been told (by a gay man no less) that I am more likely to cheat and been asked how I can possibly have a relationship with a man without eventually cheating with a woman.

I've regularly been told I'm pretending for attention or to turn men on. I've been questioned in detail about my sexual history including how many women I've slept with and in what context. They ask so they can decide if I'm actually bisexual or not.

Biphobia is very real and I've often had it from the lesbian/gay community as well as straight.

"Obsessed with labels/percentages" is often thrown at us when we are trying to explain something that should be very simple but for some reason is difficult for some people to get their heads around.

Most people can get their head around some people fancying women and some people fancying men. I'm not sure why it gets trickier when it's both, especially when there's a preference there.

Imagine you have a preference for brunettes and most of the people you fancy are brunette. There are still some blondes you fancy, it's just rarer. Well it's like that.

11 is definitely not too young to know. Most of my peers were having their first boy/girlfriends and proper kisses at that age. Presumably they fancied those people.

You can fancy people before you're at the age you're ready to have sex with them. I remember fancying a boy in my class in my first year of secondary school. To me he was so attractive that when he walked in I remember stood there gawping at him. The thought of sex at that age was gross but when he spoke to me I got butterflies and I used to want to hold his hand and be his "girlfriend".

(As it happened, my friend told him I fancied him and when he asked me if it was true, I got scared and denied it. Alas! We will never know if the chance passed me by.)

Ignorant Attitudes like yours are exactly why i keep it to myself. Bisexuality is complex. And pig ignorants just don’t get it

Maybe you can stop being biphobic. My experience is quite common for bisexuals

I definitely knew I was bi by 11 - first year of secondary school. I had crushes on both female and male characters in Buffy!

I didn’t come out for a few years but I knew enough to have crushes, i wasn’t on the internet loads as I can remember. If he’s told you, that’s a good thing as shows he trusts you.

Great he trusts you. I wonder why now though? What has he seen/ read/ been told at school? Even books I buy my DD now about growing up seem to have sections based on labelling identity and sexuality. I always tell her she is who she is and not to feel she needs to fit into the options of boxes presented to her.

I would have said that was interesting and if you want to talk about anything we can do that any time. I certainly wouldn't pursue the subject.

@badchoir I'm asking this in an effort to understand not to be goady so hopefully it comes across as such.

You say you've gone back in the closet as a result of the attitudes demonstrated on this page (obviously not because of these posters but similar encounters in real life).

You also stated that you're married to a man. I'm assuming you are female but it's not actually relevant to be honest.

What I'm asking though is this. If you are in a committed relationship (marriage) what does the label matter? If I met you I would note that you were married - it genuinely wouldn't matter to me whether that was male/female male/male or female/female. You wouldn't become labelled beyond "married" in my thought process, so why on earth does it matter to anyone else that you're married and bisexual? I don't feel I need to know that, yet you obviously think it should matter if you refer to being in the closet?

I'm genuinely curious and trying to understand!

I would talk to him about good relationships. Not just attraction but how nice the person is. And to focus on relationships that could go longterm 😉

I am bisexual @Wenfy. I have been in sexual relationships with men and women. That's what bisexual means.

@Wenfy @badchoir @Spacemoon (sorry if I've missed any others) thanks so much for sharing how your orientation plays out. This thread has some really hostile comments on it but I for one feel like I've learned a lot from what you've told us. My teen DS is bi but I don't really want to quiz him about personal things too much so it's been very informative to hear how it all goes together, from adults.

Read it again. I didn't say I was Bi at 4/5, I said I knew I liked both boys and girls. Nothing about being sexually attracted as I had no idea what sex was at that age. But I DID know I found them both pretty/cute, not just that I liked the same things as them, if that makes sense

Everyone can appreciate someone being good looking at any age, especially a visual person. I do it all the time for males and females. It doesn't mean I'm sexually attracted to them or turned on by looking at them. Margot Robbie is gorgeous!! I'm sorry, I still don't understand how your experience at 4/5 meant you were Bi later. Were you quite a visual child and could appreciate attractiveness in both boys and girls?

Both my daughters told me around this age too. My eldest told me she was pansexual and still does feel that way at 15. My youngest is 11 and told me she is a lesbian. I supported both of them and said however you identify and feel I will always be there and listen.

They have always seen all relationships as normal, we live in a very open and accepting city and I've always taken them to pride events so when they told me it was never a big deal.

I have stated quite clearly, several times, that at 4/5 it obviously wasn't a sexual thing, but that I liked both sexes in more than just a 'oh we like the same toys and have the same interests' kind of way. I'm guessing it's very similar to my almost 5 year old girl now, who quite clearly has more in common with the girls in her class, but is like a moth to a flame to the boys and finds them interesting and says they're cute etc. When looking back on that time when I was 4/5 later on when it WAS a sexual thing at 10/11, my feelings at that very young age all made sense. If you can't understand that simple concept, l can't put it any clearer for you and obviously you were a very different child and haven't yet witnessed a child of that age showing a preference, so hey ho.

All this thread has done is highlight just how much misinformation there is around bisexuality - and sexuality in general!! I hope the OP takes some of the comments on board from those of us who have lived experience of this and hope that her son is well supported ❤️

Love this ❤️ Very lucky girls indeed to have such a supportive parent.

@margotsdevil Thank you for your question. Yes I am female and married to a male so people assume I am straight.

It's that I'd like to be able to mention it if the subject came up instead of actively hiding it.

To give examples, at work you wouldn't go around asking everyone about their medical conditions but you might know about Joan's diabetes because it came up in conversation. You wouldn't ask people their religion outright but when Linda tells you about going to church at the weekend, you find out about her religion through conversation.

I once was part of a conversation at work where someone's teenage son had come out as gay and they were worried about their son being bullied. One of the gay men spoke about his experience coming out and we all spoke generally about the change in attitudes and the different types of challenges people coming out might have nowadays.

If someone at work mentioned their child was bisexual and didn't really understand it, at one point in time I would happily have mentioned I am bisexual, what it means to me, and address misconceptions/answer questions. I wouldn't talk explicitly about my sex life or bring it up for no reason, but I would talk about being bisexual if it made sense to in that context and I wouldn't ever have actively hidden it. Nowadays I would not join in on that conversation and would not "out" myself as bisexual.

If I was in a group talking about early childhood crushes, first kisses, unrequited loves etc. I would purposely only speak about males.

I was once at a pride event where someone assumed I was straight and was there as an "ally" and I corrected them. I no longer think I would correct them.

So when I say I am "in the closet" I mean that I am choosing not to out myself in situations where I would otherwise mention it, if not for concern over people's reactions.

Homophobia still exists but it's at least (in my circles) socially unacceptable, which biphobia is not. I think part of the problem is that when people settle down with long term partners, let's say roughly half of bisexuals are going to be assumed straight and half assumed gay, because most people are in monogamous relationships. People probably aren't aware of how many bisexual people they know.

As for why it matters, it's never nice to feel like you have to hide a part of yourself because people have unkind and offensive ideas about a part of who you are. I don't feel any less bisexual because I'm married to a man, and so I am still offended by those views.

He might turn out to be bi, but he might be gay or straight. I knew I was straight since early primary school (not that we used those words then). My DD told me she was bi at 11, everyone was choosing a label for themselves in her class then. I of course said that's great!

Now at 15 she says she's straight and has a boyfriend. I think the labeling at 11 was something that her whole peer group did; I don't think she had had a crush yet at that point.