Trans Child

[kiwiwatermelonsugar]

I just need some advice and support on here.

My 15 year old daughter (I don't know if she's still that??) has literally just come out as trans this morning. Wants me to use He/They pronouns but I'm still struggling to come about how exactly I'm supposed to do that. I don't even get They pronouns at all. Or the idea of making pronouns seem like something huge anyway.

I'm just so confused because I thought I supported Trans people despite having some issues with women's voices being silenced over their rights but I'm just finding it so difficult when it's my own child. I never really expected it to be honest but I'm trying to sort myself out for when she comes home as she's currently revising with her friends.

She said she wants to start using a binder and wants to cut her hair and dress more masculine. I'm fine with the cutting of hair and dressing the way she likes but the binder thing worries me - surely that's dangerous, I mean kids have broken ribs and stuff if they're this young. Wants to start hormonal pills as well. 😥

I feel like she needs to wait till she's at least 18 because she's so young and decisions change so easily. But she wants to start now. She says she's been trans for about 3 months which is long enough to her but I don't think it is. I know it's selfish but I'm just mourning my little girl. I'm a single mum and I have 3 younger boys aged 9, 7 and 1 and there isn't really any family who can help me. I don't want to reveal to friends yet as I need time to process.

First of all, no child is ‘trans’ and it is far more likely to be social contagion and/or she might end up being a lesbian and be having worries about that. No to hormones and surgery.

Contact https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Also, don’t allow the school to affirm this and don’t try to #BeKind and do this yourself. It is not a neutral act.

Wrong sex hormones cause irreversible damage.

Firm words from TinyRebel, but nevertheless very solid advice.

Do have a look at this page in particular from Bayswater https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips/

It's the trendiest most fashionable thing right now to be "trans", you get to hold power over everyone around you by policing their use of pronouns and names etc. It's literally a rebellious teen-agers dream come true.

Just smile and nod. Don't get her a binder. Don't send her to a gender clinic.

Ask her why she's being so attention seeking.

I'd get her off social media ASAP in your shoes.

My god, there are some horrible people on here. Your poor children; once they grow up you won't see them for dust.

My goodness Sandylanes69, you can't be saying you'd go along with this willingly?

Gosh, you have more than enough on your plate.

Sibling-wise it would be good to free up some 1-1 time with her so that she could bring/take you on her journey to get/bring you up to speed.

Go for a walk, maybe, or do it through Whats-app if she doesn't like face to face.

You are on a journey, that you will need to understand what might be involved. You might support this, or caution against, but far be it from us to not suggest your route

Teenagers used to become goths or punks, in my day, but I do worry about the idea that synthetic hormones fix everything (why, on earth, is it okay to have teens go through this)?

Could you be more specific about what horrible things have been said and why you consider those saying them to be horrible?

You can be supportive of her feelings without affirming.
You understand feeling different, it's good not to be constrained by narrow gender stereotyping, your hair would look great short, what style are you thinking?

Avoid needing to refer to her in the third person and agree a nickname 'because it will take time to get used to '.

But permanent changes to the body will be considered in the same way as tattoos. She needs to be 18.

You have to find that sweet spot so it doesn't support the 'your mother is a terf, doesn't understand you, doesn't care for you ' divisive narrative online and not letting her do things she may regret.

Take her into the real world as much as possible. Encourage a part time job, preferably not somewhere too emeshed in all this

Thanks for the advice and the articles, really helpful. I'm just so worried as to whether I'm a horrible mum for thinking the idea of giving a teenager hormonal medicine/binders etc. is terrible.

@Sandylanes69 This is kind of the thing I'm worried about, I don't want her to consider me an awful mum because we genuinely have a really good relationship with each other. I'm willing to at least try and support her if she's trans but it just seems so bizarre to me. She's getting really annoyed at me for using the wrong pronouns and stuff and I'm honestly doing my best but it doesn't come straight away in one day to learn to start addressing your daughter of 15 years as a He!!!

Thank you so much, this is so helpful. ❤

We need to start creating more clarity about what it means to be 'trans'. It used to be short for transitioning, now it's just a way of signalling to the world that you don't feel comfortable with the arbitrary gender roles assigned to your sex. But come on, who the hell does?? Have you spoken to her about why she feels she's trans and why this means there needs to be such life altering actions linked to this?

Was there ever pressure on her to have long hair or dress feminine?

I really don't understand the whole "coming out" as trans, which is apparently ones true self, and then changing your fashion at that point. There's nothing stopping girls having short hair initially or being tomboys. I don't get it.

It would make more sense if a tomboy did it, in a kind of "this is why I've always been like this". But the big coming out and then changing things to me sounds like a choice being made, not a real internal thing.

This is a very interesting point.

The best advice I can give, as someone who has been there with a trans child (albeit under different circumstances and in a different time period) is not to give it much attention.

At the moment there are a lot of kids coming out as trans, they see it online, their friends encourage them, and there are quite a lot who love it when their parents push back because then they victimise themselves and get lots of attention, and that's when they can start doing things without your knowledge, especially at 15.

Let your child have a haircut, buy clothes your child likes, and it's really easy to not use pronouns or gendered language at all with your child, I wouldnt be using he/him, but i would definitely be neutral. Discuss the problems with binders, and suggest getting baggy tops and maybe sports bras or something comfortable but minimising.

When your child has nothing to push back against then hopefully it will just be a phase that's grown out of.

Meantime while you're being supportive of the way your child looks I would also recommend finding programmes and books and films with strong, female leads, engineering conversations about brilliant women, great women who look androgynous, there are also lots of videos online of women who felt like your child and began transition, then detransitioned, I think those videos should be an absolute must see for anyone even thinking about starting blockers or T as, quite often, blockers are touted as 'thinking time' and it's absolutely not true.

There's lots of support online for a 'watch and see' approach, as linked above.

I know others will disagree with aspects of my approach, but it's very easy to say "put your foot down and say no", it's not so easy actually living through it.

All the best op 💐

My dd was 13 and came out as into girls non-binary - name change & they / them pronouns- haircut too. Got a girlfriend. I acknowledged that that’s how she felt, told her I loved her no matter what & just said not to box herself in, that the way we feel about ourselves and our sexuality can change as we grow. To keep an open mind as she may start feeling more female or male, attracted to boys / girls and to be open to change. Accepted what she said she wanted, used new name & new pronouns just kept it low key. Did not allow binding.
2 years on she is back to she/her, original name & has a lovely boyfriend.
not saying this would happen for all or even many but I do believe not fighting her on it, accepting her, but always dripping in the idea that we change as we grow and not to box in meant she had didn’t dig herself into a hole and had a route out

Absolutely don't agree to her having male hormones. Explain it could prevent her having babies once she's older. I'd say no to a binder too. I'd talk to her and explain this is all new to her. Agree to clothing and short hair as that can easily be reversed. Tell her she can't make other decisions until she's 18. Also find stories of transmen who now bitterly regret actions taken when young. I was listening to one on the radio the other day whilst driving home. A girl had her breasts removed and took male hormones and at 23 she has realised she was happier as a girl. This girl is now blaming doctors at clinic for not making her wait.

I don’t under about the pronouns either. If you are addressing your daughter directly, you will call her ‘you’ . In English and most other languages , the second person singular ‘you’ doesn’t change with the sex or gender of the person addressed. You is all we’ve got.

so the only time you will be using a pronoun with reference to ‘her’ is when she is being referred to (when mainly she isn’t actually present.). Just practice using the name you have agreed on instead. Anyway, I expect your younger children won’t be able to stop calling her her, because children are quite sensible .

I hope this is just a fad for her, OP. This sort of physical trauma and mental distress is why we TERFs have been making so much fuss.

Just sharing these other resources for you OP.

This webinar offer advice to parents of gender-questioning teenagers

And here is the Sex Matters page on teenagers with the papers referenced in the webinar

sex-matters.org/advice/resources-for-parents/

Thank you so so much, this has been amazingly helpful and comforting. @JamNittyGritty This is super reassuring and I hope my daughter is the same to be honest. I think I will do what others have suggested and let her do what she wants with her physical look (although I wouldn't have stopped her before either) but say no to anything like binders. I'll explain why as well rather than just stating "No" I think.

I haven't yet spoken to her about why she wants to change her body, why she feels like this etc. but I will do it this evening and let you know how it goes.

Thanks for the help everyone 😊

Read the Hilary Cass report about Tavistock and read what Keira Bell has to say about the issue. The whole thing is frightening. Not doing nothing is not a neutral act. Be supportive but read up on the arguments. Medical evidence - according to Dr Cass - is that a child’s brain doesn’t stop developing until 25.

feel for you. It’s my worst nightmare.

@CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt your suggestions seems very helpful (I have a brother facing the same situation). Do you have specific recommendations for videos, movies, etc?

Also here for advice / company. My Autistic DD is going through this too. It seems especially prevalent in the non-NT community. She is gay but seems to think that fancying females means she must be a man? I'm in Scotland & School / GPS/ Govt policy here is terrifying.

If you have a look on YouTube and type 'detransitioner' in absolutely loads will come up. Have a look through and see which one will resonate most with your relative. There are some truly heartbreaking stories.

I told my child I was supportive, but that we needed to be realistic and look at all aspects of this. We spend lots of time going over every side effect, possible outcome etc. We even managed to find a video of the surgery somewhere online and watched that (not for the faint hearted).

I wasnt necessarily trying to talk them out of it, rather counteract all the "just do it, it's super easy" narrative online, and give a realistic view of what would happen.

For films we watched things like Alien, Erin Brokovich, Promising Young Woman, basically anything with a strong female lead (some of the new marvel films are also good). With PYW it gave us an opportunity to discuss how men treat women, and society in general, which led to some interesting views and discussions, and allowed my dc to talk about some fears and worries.

For music I showed my child to some of the 90s women like Skin from Skunk Anansie, Grace Jones, also people like Brandie Carlisle, Tracy Chapman, KD Lang. There are more nowadays thankfully.

It wasn't blatant that I was doing this, more drip feeding positive females into my kids life. Showing alternative looks/ways of living/relationships, and opening up the lines of communication to my child could express their fears, concerns, thoughts and feelings.

None of it is easy at all.

You've had excellent advice so far but just thought I'd tap in. I felt the same as your daughter at 15! I hated my changing body and got caught up in the social contagion of just becoming somebody else (like it's an easy thing to do). It was a very confusing, lonely time but 18 months later I started to feel like myself again. I'm now a straight 25 year old pregnant woman!

Open up lots of discussions about how she feels, challenge her views but allow her to express herself. Definitely no hormones or binders (damaged my breasts still to this day). Gender clinics are incredibly affirming and will take her down the medical route.

I hope she manages to sort through her identity and come out the other end.