Trans Child

[kiwiwatermelonsugar]

I just need some advice and support on here.

My 15 year old daughter (I don't know if she's still that??) has literally just come out as trans this morning. Wants me to use He/They pronouns but I'm still struggling to come about how exactly I'm supposed to do that. I don't even get They pronouns at all. Or the idea of making pronouns seem like something huge anyway.

I'm just so confused because I thought I supported Trans people despite having some issues with women's voices being silenced over their rights but I'm just finding it so difficult when it's my own child. I never really expected it to be honest but I'm trying to sort myself out for when she comes home as she's currently revising with her friends.

She said she wants to start using a binder and wants to cut her hair and dress more masculine. I'm fine with the cutting of hair and dressing the way she likes but the binder thing worries me - surely that's dangerous, I mean kids have broken ribs and stuff if they're this young. Wants to start hormonal pills as well. 😥

I feel like she needs to wait till she's at least 18 because she's so young and decisions change so easily. But she wants to start now. She says she's been trans for about 3 months which is long enough to her but I don't think it is. I know it's selfish but I'm just mourning my little girl. I'm a single mum and I have 3 younger boys aged 9, 7 and 1 and there isn't really any family who can help me. I don't want to reveal to friends yet as I need time to process.

I think you're having very real and normal fears. Rest assured, medical professionals do not rush this process. Its a very long process to transition and there will be lots of counselling along the way. Maybe your child will change their mind in that time, maybe they won't. It's your job to love and support them.

@Sara1988 how do you know?

This isn’t true sadly. Cuts in services include everything. You’ll be lucky to get anything much. The other thing to be aware of is that if your child does get to see anyone, they will just affirm. That’s what they do.

Unfortunately, your assurance that there will be ‘lots of counselling along the way’ has been proven to be untrue. In the UK, GIDS has shown that they are under resourced and in the past, some children and adolescent patients did not receive lots of counselling.

Plus with the current affirming only treatment recommendations what does counselling even look like now?

Where your assurance really fails is that there are now private services where ‘lots of counselling’ has been shown to be the opposite to reality. Exposes about Gender GP have shown just how little care patients receive before they get access to hormones. I cannot imagine that other new private services are going to be reviewed and reported to even the low standard that GIDS was in the past.

I understand that you probably mean well, however, your assurances seem more ideologically driven than based on the reality of UK system.

Just support gosh darn it its not a choice and these comments don't get that >:(

also i fear your SON will abandon you if you keep that TERF mindset do your research please also only %8 of people detransition and its usually just because they aren't in a good place

Assuming that gender questioning children get a lot of holistic, exploratory therapy makes a lot of sense. It’s scandalous that the opposite is true and experimental medical interventions are offered in gender clinics as a first line of treatment, whilst real issues such as autism, ADHD, trauma or addiction are left unaddressed.

There's no reason to think mum is unsupportive. Mum's role is protect from harm, first and foremost. Sometimes this may lead to disagreement but that's not uncommon, particularly during teenage years.

Kamthelamb the OP's daughter lost interest in being trans in 2023 😂
If you're going to search up ancient zombie threads just to have a go at some terfy mumsnetters, at least read the OP's posts before you wade in.

oh I feel for you but for most being Trans is the new Goth or punk. It's teenage rebellion.
You are right not to get upset about what she wears or her hair but you need to put your foot down about potential permanent harm. Binding, hormones. etc
In your shoes I would refuse to change my language because it colludes with the fantasy. Remember you are the parent, assume the authority of one.

good luck

Hey there! I'm a trans young person, have known so for 4 years now, and hopefully I can be of some help.

Firstly, this probably seems like a big change/shock to you and even though it is a lot to get used to, your kid is probably also having a really tough time. Trying to work out your identity is scary and telling the people you love about it is even scarier.

I think it's really important for you to stay open minded throughout this. No matter what the outcome is, whether your child keeps the label of trans throughout their life or not, how you react and treat him now will impact your relationship forever, and that could be either positive or negative.

Wearing a binder can be dangerous, but not if it's done safely. If you don't support your kid in their decision to bind, he'll find a way to do it without your help and that will likely be much much worse for his health. Here is a guide for safe binding for young people: https://www.pointofpride.org/blog/a-parents-guide-to-buying-a-chest-binder-for-your-child. The key points are that your kid should get a binder that actually fits (if they're between sizes, go a size up), only wear it for max 8 hours at a time, not do sports in it, and only ever wear one binder (not stack them on top of each other).

Even though it can feel like you're mourning, it's so important to remember that your child is very much alive, and that's unfortunately not a given. For both of your sakes, your cooperation with their journey is gonna be so important. If you support his identity, it also means they're more likely to listen to your opinions on it (it's their body and their choice ultimately, so if you want him to trust you you'll have to earn it). If you think he's moving too quickly on certain aspects, he's much more likely to actually consider that opinion if you've been supportive of other areas.

Also, NHS waiting lists for gender referrals are appallingly long at the moment, most young people have to wait at least 6 years to even be seen by a doctor. Have honest conversations about this with your kid. A referral does not mean they will be prescribed hormones, it means he will have to spend a long time waiting to access healthcare that can be vital, and then will give them the opportunity to speak to specialists and exam their options. He will not be given treatment without serious consideration first.

Bump

Hello local young person, thanks for stopping by and taking the time to share your point of view. It is Detransitioner Awareness Day today, and I wonder what you think about the experience of the growing number of detransitioners, who regret their decision to present as the opposite gender and feel deeply traumatised by their transition? What can we learn from their experience?

Hi, so this was nearly two years ago and she decided against it after two months! I appreciate where you're coming from but after experiencing having a "trans" child myself, I don't agree with what you're saying.

If you don't provide them with a binder, they'll find a way to do it themselves?? Your child is your child and you're allowed to discipline them. If I'd let my daughter do that, it would've caused serious damage for her and it would've affected her in the future. She's grateful I didn't let her.

I would've loved my child unconditionally either way but she was actually seriously struggling back then and I think that played into her decisions back then. She's a much happier kid now and I'm grateful for it. 17 and thriving

Great to hear, OP!

Good to know OP.

I find the continued dismissal of the potential harms of binders concerning. I have also recently been watching interactions between some of the detransitioners who have told of their permanent damage due to wearing binders.

Not only that, considering exercise is a major benefit to a person's mental health, if a teenaged girl is restricted from exercising because they are binding, this contributes to the issue. The 'do it safely' narrative from some overly invested groups is, as I say, concerning.

When I uploaded that I hadn't realised how old the thread was. Safe binding does not have negative health effects and would not have done any damage to your daughter. You say that your child is yours to discipline, but as any child with strict parents knows, kids will find ways to get away with things behind their parents back, which is usually much more dangerous than just having open conversations with people and helping them to do things safely. And just because your daughter (and the child in OP's post) decided in the end she wasn't trans, doesn't mean that all trans children will make the same call. If she was trans and still identified that way, being denied a binder and a supportive household could have made her struggles then so much worse.

There's no such thing as "safe binding". Breasts aren't supposed to be crushed.

Not only is there no chance of ‘safe’ binding, but 80% of children and adolescence desist over time if I remember correctly.

The chances are high that children or teenagers will desist.

For anyone reading this thread who is under the illusion that binding is safe, maybe this study will help.

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13691058.2016.1191675

Here is the abstract

Abstract

Chest binding involves the compression of chest tissue for masculine gender expression among people assigned a female sex at birth, particularly transgender and gender non-conforming individuals. There are no peer-reviewed studies that directly assess the health impacts of chest binding, yet transgender community resources commonly discuss symptoms such as pain and scarring. A cross-sectional 32-item survey was administered online to an anonymous, non-random sample of adults who were assigned a female sex at birth and had had experience of binding (n = 1800). Multivariate regression models were used to identify practices associated with self-reported health outcomes. Of participants, 51.5% reported daily binding. Over 97% reported at least one of 28 negative outcomes attributed to binding. Frequency (days/week) was consistently associated with negative outcomes (22/28 outcomes). Compression methods associated with symptoms were commercial binders (20/28), elastic bandages (14/28) and duct tape or plastic wrap (13/28). Larger chest size was primarily associated with dermatological problems. Binding is a frequent activity for many transmasculine individuals, despite associated symptoms. Study findings offer evidence of how binding practices may enhance or reduce risk. Clinicians caring for transmasculine patients should assess binding practices and help patients manage risk.

From previous posts about this study, here are some snippets. I do remember reading more it once so I wonder if it was infront of the paywall at one stage.

Here are the negative effects in full:
rib fractures, back pain, chest pain, rib or spine changes, bad posture, shoulder pain, shoulder joint ‘popping’, muscle wasting, numbness, headache, overheating, fatigue, weakness, lightheadedness or dizziness, cough, respiratory infections, shortness of breath, heartburn, abdominal pain, digestive issues, breast changes, breast tenderness, scarring, swelling, acne, itch, skin changes and skin infections.

Now the paper recommends reduction in hours and days per week for ‘safety’. While also making statements about clinicians working with patients to make these reductions of negative side effects by referring the patient for a double mastectomy. These were adults in the study not children. However. It seems remarkably negligent considering the very permanent life limiting impacts of double mastectomies on female bodies. Yet the study recommends it as an alternative to binding.

So, I would be seriously sceptical of any poster who dismisses that potential harm of binders.

Get her to watch De-trans campaigner Sinead Watson's videos. If you google her, you'll find more. She talks a lot about trans regret and she's very articulate about it.

Find support elsewhere, MN is the WORSE place for trans support

*worst

Do you mean worst?
Also no one on this thread is looking for support. It’s an old thread and the child originally mentioned was going through a very short lived phase. Thankfully.

Mumsnet is the best place for support if your child is not actually trans, which 99% of "trans kids" aren't.