being religious with an LGBT child

[annierodgers1]

My DD recently came out as lesbian, me and DH are not sure what to do as it is strictly against our religion. Of course we support her in any way possible and do not want to make her feel uncomfortable but I do not feel it as something me and the whole family can agree on. We do not want DD to come out to mine or DH parents yet as they will not respect her views and we do not want DD to feel as she is not wanted or accepted by the grandparents.

Hi OP. How old is DD? And when you say it is strictly against your religion, can you elaborate?

What is your religion?

I don’t think it’s ok to dictate when or if your dc feels they want to come out, to anyone. And if you want to maintain a good relationship with your dc in future, you need to back them up to the Grandparents and be supportive, not allow people to make discriminatory remarks.

I'd be questioning my religion, how do you reconcile a way of life that could be so negative towards your child for living her life to the fullest.

That wouldn't help OP at this point. Her question is about her concerns about how the grandparents will treat her DD right now.

She can question hey own faith later.

There's nothing you can or need to "do". Just love her, that's your calling as her parents. Nothing beyond that in this situation.

Bear in mind she hasn't asked you to do anything. Maybe just sit with the information first. Depending on the religion there are usually theologians who find a way to talk about being gay positively, as it is so clearly part of being human - perhaps seek those thinkers out and read their perspective.

In your position, and with your DD's permission of course, I'd tell your parents yourself. And make it absolutely transparently clear, that you will not tolerate them giving get any grief, or treating her any differently from their other grandchildren.

That way you get the flack from their instant reaction and not her. And they can (hopefully) compose themselves and come to terms with her news and your demands, before they see her.

If they won't agree to treat her well, obviously you have a problem. But again, you can act as intermediary and give your daughter choices in a calmer and less intimidating environment.

Good luck.

All mainstream religions are meant to have unconditional love and free will at their core. I'd be questioning the religious dogma. Something very wrong in religion if its dictating how pass judgement on another's life choice.

Your church has a problem as do the grandparents. I hope you support your DD over the grandparents and challenge your church over their views.

Basically this.

Your child is your child, your love and the GP's love should be unconditional and not intertwined with religion.

Bit like the segregation of church and state.

Easy once you embrace it.

I can’t stand people that use their ‘religion’ as an excuse for their bigotry. The very worst type of hypocrites.

It's tough I'm sure, but if they ask what you think you just say, "We don't agree with all of your choices, but they are your choices and it's your life. We will always love you for being you, and we will say exactly that to anyone who gives any bother, including your grandparents."
It's just the same as if you had a grown up child who told 'harmless' lies a lot, or who shacked up in a heterosexual relationship before marriage (assuming your religion doesn't approve of that). These are also behaviours many religions see as bad but which don't hurt anyone apart from the participants themselves and potentially your god, so they are comparable.
You can quietly wish they'd chosen another path without ever needing to tell them that. And you just carry on loving them the same.

I am a (very rubbish ) Catholic but pretty sure that God says love our children (ffs). Don't use religion as an excuse to hate on your child and who they choose to love. At the end of the day, do you think God or whoever you worship would want you to reject your own child? That would be a really terrible thing to do!

So you think it is OK for your daughter to be potentially criticised or rejected by your family for potentially falling in love with someone who just happens to be another woman and therefore have to hide the fact that she is gay?

That is just the way she is. There is therefore nothing un-natural or shameful about it.

I would not follow a religion that dictates who people should or should not love.

If a relative can't accept your daughter as she is, that is their problem.

She should not have to hide that part of herself because of some bigoted religious doctrine.

@Greenfairydust
Exactly this.

It needs to be your child’s decision when to come out to the rest of the family. When that happens, she needs your support.

If they try to cling to prejudice in the name of religion, then it is your job to shield her from them. That may mean distancing your household from any family members that will not love a living breathing person just because of her sexual orientation.

if your religion is sending her a message that your own child is flawed, then you need to reconsider the role that religion plays in your own household.

I do not have a problem with my child being gay at all, it is her grandparents opinion I am worried about. They have supported her her whole life and I do not want them to look at my DD any other way. I have so much unconditional love for her.

I am afraid of what they may think, I do not want them to not accept my daughter for the way she is. I love her with all my heart and do not want her to think she is not accepted by her own family. I have no problem with her being gay at all.

Your daughter doesn't need those bigots in her life. Their love for her is conditional, isn't it?

What does your daughter want to do? It's up to her whether she tells her grandparents or not. Although if she's ever in a long term relationship they'll probably find out eventually.

To be fair, we doing know that yet. Their views might be quite academic. When it comes to it actually being real and affecting someone they love dearly, it might feel very differently. Just as seems to have happened to OP.

ohhhhhh man, I just typed a super long message and then the page refreshed and deleted it.

Long story short: I am bisexual, and I have a cousin who is gay. Our grandparents are devoutly Catholic. Like, super Catholic. But when my grandmother found out I was bisexual - I was outed without my knowledge by a spiteful family member - she didn’t say anything to me about it for years, but she thought deeply and prayed deeply and spoke to her priest and to devout close relatives. And she concluded that Jesus’ central message was of love, including love for that which you might not understand or which you might consider or have previously considered sinful.

When my gay cousin came out to her years later, she was calm and unfazed, and told him she loved him. She had had nearly a decade to ‘get over’ my being bisexual. And she assured him she loved him. She was worried for him - as a sheltered elderly lady she was worried about what she had heard of ‘the gay lifestyle’ and sad that he wouldn’t be able to get married in a Catholic Church. But she loved him.

You might be surprised.

Telling relatives needs to be on your daughter’s terms. Personally, I don’t see the need to ‘come out’ until there’s something or someone to ‘come out’ about - my cousin came out when it became his close
‘friend’ was a boyfriend and he wanted him to meet the family. I think it’s easier for people to grasp and understand something alien to them when you put a face and name to it and make it human. But it’s her choice.

Ps Jesus teaches that we should hate the sin, love the sinner. Their love for her should be unconditional.

(if you’re Christian - can’t advise on other religious texts!)

It doesn't matter whether the family agree or not.

This is who she is.

Just love her and keep your opinions to yourselves.

You said what I tried to say, but much more succinctly!